A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need to know this answer, please don't judge me as I am already aware that I am shallow and I'm sure i'm not the only person who does this. But I don't want to make a big mistake so please advice!!I met this guy, he's almost too perfect in personality wise. He's very ambitious, great job and hard working, really sweet and so nice. He's hilarious, I find that we bounce off each others jokes so easily that our conversations flow perfectly, no trouble or strain for conversation we can just talk for hours and get along so well. I have noticed that I can be honest with him about anything, things I wouldn't want to tell a guy normally or them to know I tell him and I don't worry about his reaction or what he'll say. Something about him makes me want to talk to him, or be around him longer. So I am aware that I like him and he has made it very clear how he feels about me and things are going great we've only been on three dates but they have been three of the best I've been on.But here's the shallow part..He's not great looking, he's okay but without sounding obnoxious I'm use to dating very attractive guys, but something about this guy made me want to give it a chance, he was very persuasive so I thought why not. My friends said to me that he's too good to pass and over time he'll start to look better to me and I'll become more attracted looks wise. But it's just I don't know if it's a good idea to get involved with someone who you aren't attracted to looks wise when surely looks is a big part too.. does it work?I don't want to throw away something that could be so great because of my stupid shallow side getting in the way. So what I am asking is, has anybody ever dated a guy that they haven't been attracted to looks wise and how did that turn out? Can it work, are my friends right that over time he may look better or that I'll not even take notice of it..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Cerberus is right about this one - it depends if you feel any degree of repulsion or whether he can grow on you. There's a massive difference. I have a lovely, lovely male friend who recently admitted he had feelings for me, for well over two years, but the truth is as much as it would make complete sense on paper for me to start a relationship with him, I literally could not have sex with him if we were the last two people on earth and needed to kick start the populace. It's not that he is 'ugly' - I'm very much a 'case by case' person and don't usually go for stereotypically attractive men. There's just something about him that makes my skin crawl, although as a friend I love him dearly. It will never change and there's no point in my trying.On the other hand, my ex partner was not, initially, a stereotypical 'good looking' guy - just average by most people's standards but amazing person. He was very young when we met - 19 - but we stayed together for nearly two decades and, in that time, his features just matured and many women became attracted to him. To me he was always somehow the most beautiful thing on earth, even from the beginning. It may sound corny but it was like his personality just shone through the surface and made it all magical somehow. It must just be animal instinct or something operating at an unconscious level.Are you able to tell what you feel?
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 February 2014):
 that's a tough one. and it doesn't make you shallow.
there's a trend i've observed about the differences between men and women. women will tend to date men they don't necessarily find physically attractive because emotionally, they have such a great connection, that they begin to find them physically attractive due to that emotional connection.
men, on the other hand, seem to be more in tune to physical attraction. if they aren't attracted to you initially, it most likely won't go any further. they seem to base more importance on looks.
of course, that's just a generalization, not true for everyone.
for me, looks really do matter. and i don't believe i'm shallow for that at all.i've tried dating a person i wasn't attracted to physically. we were completely compatible in so many ways emotionally. it was by far the best relationship i'd ever had, as far as compatibility was concerned. but something was missing. and it never grew or changed, no matter how much i tried and tried. and it killed me because i wanted it to change so badly because this person was wonderful; everything i could have hoped for.
i don't think that makes me shallow. i think that makes me human. when we select a partner that we want to settle down with, sure, we absolutely need to be with someone who we get along with and truly enjoy. someone who we can't wait to spend time with. but i also love spending time with my best friend and can't wait to hang out with her. so what would be the difference between my best friend and my partner without that attraction? THAT'S the difference. without that attraction, you're merely just best friends. that was what happened to me. i felt like a crucial part of my relationship was missing. and it was. i eventually had to end it, much to my dismay, because it just wasn't right for me. so i suppose i'm one of those girls who don't fall into my own observations.
if you want to give it a try, go for it. on the other hand, i wasted six months of my exes life trying to make attraction grow, only in the end to wind up having to leave. i hated doing that. if you give it a try, i wouldn't spend as much time waiting as i did.
good luck. i hope it can grow for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): There's nothing shallow about it, attraction is important.
It depends though how much or how little there is. I mean is he someone you feel you could have sex with or is he just too ugly?
OP if there's nothing about his looks you find endearing or feel could grow on you then maybe you shouldn't continue. Just be careful your standards aren't too lofty.
Pardon my crudeness but as long as he's fuckable I'd give it a shot. You can grow to love a face your heart doesn't skip a beat to but he can't be ugly either.
The question you need to ask yourself is "are his looks so bad that I can't see him again"? If the answer is no, then you have no reason to stop seeing him and see what happens.
You've dated the uber-handsome guys, now try the beautiful personality type.
My wife was the same at your age, bald and fat wasn't her thing at all. But she grew to love my face and has told me she can't imagine ever finding another as beautiful to her. It worked for her, maybe it'll happen the same way for you especially after you start being intimate, you may click amazingly that way.
I don't see any reason not to have a few more fun dates. If it really is a deal breaker for you then you'll know 100%, at least give yourself and him the chance to find out whether it's something you can get past. You really don't want to end up in a situation a few months down the line seeing him after letting him go only to wonder how you could be so stupid.
You're not shallow though, OP, attraction matters, don't let anyone convince you it doesn't. This guy has been great enough so far to at least deserve a shot though, dating him is fun so why not?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 And for all you know he might not think you're up to his expectations either. What if he secretly thinks you are underwhelming(I know,hard to believe,right)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): my last boyfriend wasn't very good looking...not my type per say.. blading and short.. but he had a great personality..nobody made me laugh like he did..we had a great time together and I fell in love with him..sometimes a good personality makes someone so attractive..and sometimes a good looking guy is boring..id rather have the good personality part..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 At 18-21, looks are often very important.
The problem is that by 30, your looks will change and by 35-40 they start to fade and age... sags, weight gain, bad backs, graying hair... all will happen when you are stunning or not...
yes good genes help but they aren't everything.
If you have a guy who's personality you LOVE, I would say give it a shot for a while and see if feelings develop.
But don't force it... if you aren't "into him" in a dating sort of way after a bit, then do not drag it out in hopes your feelings will change... be honest with him. Good guys deserve it.
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