A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My gf is exhausting me. I'm fully convinced that she could argue for hours with a person who believes the grass is green and tell them no it isn't - it's blue. And then immediately turn right around and tell someone who believes the grass is blue that she thinks it's green and argue them to the point they just can't take it anymore. I'm convinced that she doesn't actually have any real thoughts of her own so much as that she only knows that whatever I or anyone else says at any given moment, she's just going to feel the exact opposite. It's not even like playing devil's advocate really. It's more like she always just has to find a way to to discredit everything you say no matter what. Almost like some weird compulsion. She never actually states what her true feelings on any matter actually are. I genuinely couldn't tell you her actual thoughts on anything. She will just argue you for hours (and I mean hours, relentlessly), to try to prove that YOU are wrong. Even if that topic is that the sky is blue.It's genuinely maddening. It's not always been like this. I have known her to have tendencies like this but it's gotten to a point where it's all the time now. We can't even have a 10 or 15 minute conversation without her finding something useless to pick a fight with me about. It can be big or small. And then afterwards, when I've been sufficiently driven to the brink of my sanity, she laughs about it and says it's not a big deal and to drop it and calm down. But it is a big deal to me because she's just spent an hour or more intentionally working me up, it seems. I'd think maybe it was just me if she hadn't also done it to my roommate, as well. It's crazy making. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. It's driving me to the brink of my sanity. I know it's kind of a strange question and a strange situation in general, and I've never really dealt with anything like it, but I just don't know what the hell to do to make it stop. Why would somebody do this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2017): I think that is some people's style of conversation, as in they like philosophically debating things. It does come about from wanting to look at every side of an issue and every perspective. And yes, it is similar to playing devil's advocate.
If it is really as extreme as you make it sound then that does seem excessive.
What YOU may view as arguing though may just be a line of conversation in her eyes.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2017):
 It can be so many things going on.
1. She might feel intellectually inferior and thus HAS to argue and "win" to prove she isn't.
2. She might feel intellectually superior and thus wants to constantly SHOW off. But again, the need to show off is more likely to be out of insecurity than overconfidence.
3. She likes to make others feel annoyed, angry or frustrated because she gets ATTENTION. She doesn't care if it is positive or negative attention.
4. She does it to avoid intimacy. Not just sex but snuggling up on the couch watching Netflix or other intimate situation. By creating a semi-hostile environment where she alienates YOU (and others) she knows that YOU aren't really looking to snuggle up with her on the couch as you are annoyed and exhausted.
5. Gaslighting, like Denizen, suggested. To make YOU feel like you are going a little nuts. She "laughs" it off after HOURS to make it seem like it's no big deal when it fact it IS.
6. Deflection. It's a "smoke and mirror" behavior that makes you focus on these fights and not on the REAL issue(s).
My advice? Wish her well and end it. She isn't going to stop this behavior. this isn't healthy. Not for you and certainly not healthy behavior on her behalf. You are wasting your time hoping she will stop this and be who you want her to be or who yo think she USED to be. This is who she is now. Are you willing to deal with this for months, years even? It sounds stressful.
My question to you, OP - WHY the heck are you engaging in HOURS of this crap? While I have NO problem with people having a different opinion than me - even if it is a stupid ass opinion... I will NOT debate for hours to change their minds or let other try and change mind. I will LISTEN to a good argument/stance and I will gladly concede that it has merits. A GOOD conversation is accepting that other CAN and WILL have a different opinion but your GF is arguing to argue. There is a different motivation there. I'd look closer at when this behavior started and what happened around that time.
Mostly, I'd consider ending it. It sounds toxic.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (17 November 2017):
 I think it is called Gaslighting. You can Google it. It is an infuriating control technique. There may not be a way to halt this in this person. It depends where on the spectrum she appears. It is often learned from a parent.
You might not be able to continue with this person long term. It is too exhausting, and frankly exasperating, to be with someone who adopts this as a control method. Do not get drawn into an argument with her on these terms. You won't win. If you do provide irrefutable proof that you are right they will laugh it off as them having a joke. You won't win.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2017): Hey there,
Sorry to be blunt, but if things are as you describe, please let her go and find yourself another girlfriend.
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