A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering if I should move my fiance's disabled sister in with us. She is very sweet and respectful and high-functioning (considering her multiple disabilities, and she currently lives on her own. My fiance and I drive her to places she needs to go, and she also has a helper that is with her often, but she is very, very lonely and depressed.Her mother also does not treat her well. She recently told her that she did not want her to come visit for awhile, because she wants to be alone, even though she begs my fiance to visit more (we see her most weekends). Her mother also talks down to her and belittles her dreams. This breaks my heart.I love her very much, and I consider her to be my family. We are the most supportive people she has, and I know she would be thrilled to move in with us. My fiance is on board with it, but we both share the concern that it may become a huge burden. I want the best for her though, and I feel she would be happier and healthier living with us. Should she move in or not? Thanks :)
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 I must admit I admire you for this. However , this is not a short term situation and you will have to be completely committed, also if her condition deteriorates, can you manage?
Its a responsibility with all best intentions but its your ability to remain committed and accept there will be no privacy once she moves in.
Would you consider first having her over on weekends as a test run to be an option? Also this way there is no expectation nor breaking her heart if you realise its more than you can cope with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): You are very kind and caring, and she is so lucky to have you as family. well, from her standpoint, moving in with you and your fiancee also represents a loss of privacy and freedom to her too. She's no longer free to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, like watch TV or cook whatever she wants etc. So she may need to also think more about whether she wants this or not. Also you're not just moving her in, but also her caregiver(s) so that's an extra person in your living space as well. how about if you all do a trial run where she moves in with you for, say, a month first and while still keeping her old apartment and most of her stuff there. That way you can all get a better feel for whether this would be a good idea longer-term and if not it's no big deal she can easily move back into her old place. Also, having the opportunity to move back into her old place easily at any time, takes the burden off if any of you decide it's better she not move in long-term.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (23 January 2013):
IF you’re both theoretically keen that she should move in with you, and it’s what she wants (I assume from this post she is capable of making that choice), then why not? The important thing will be to plan this carefully and not to rush it: you’ll need to look at the care she’ll need and who can assist you in providing that. You’ll need help, structured around not just her care needs but also that need you identified not to be taking on a huge burden, because there’s no getting away from the fact that being a carer can be a burden. You all need to feel comfortable that she has a support plan tailored to your requirements as a household so speak to the social services or support groups that can help. It’s a case of doing your research and thinking this out. And make sure she’s involved in that conversation: she’ll not want to burden you either so don’t feel like it’s not something you can raise with her.
I wish you all the very best.
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