A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My mom has long run a busy household which was always full.All my life my mom only ever let me Hoover or dust and that was when I asked to do it. If you ever offered to do dishes or washing she would tell you " you won't do it properly" No it's only in the last year or so that she has eased up on this but she is still fast to point out if the job isn't up to her standard( she was a fully qualified chef so they are high standards) As we have all lived a life of her refusing our help it has become a habit to let her do it even though me and my boyfriend do try and help out. On one occasion she wen mad because she asked me to Hoover (which I did) but as I didn't realise that Hoover also meant tidy the house I was yelled at.Now I would happily help out is i was given a job that was mine I would get into the habit of doing it and then it would come naturally. Problem is my mom thinks you should just know what she wants you to do and gets mad if he has to tell you. I told her recently that she needs to ask for help, she suffers from high blood pressure as well as other things. Now my dad works a 12 hour shift so my mom feels he can't lift a finger ever.Our two foster placements sit around after school and all weekend and get away with it. And get dinner on demand.I work full time as an ict technician and I am expected to do evertything for everyone when I get home. Now don't get me wrong i will help out but at 13 I could Hoover so why can't our foster placement Hoover at the weekend or once a fortnight or even fit I would happy cook dinner a couple times a week and wash but my mom seems to insist that I have to be the one to do her jobs and no one else can help.I see she may feel she did it so why can't I but she made herself ill in the process.Is there anyway that I could get her to understand that we all need to help her not just me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hi. High blood pressure which is untreated - because she doesn't like taking tablets - is potentially a life threatening situation.
Stroke being one of those consequences.
Possibly also heart attack and kidney problems.
Perhaps she isn't aware that this is the risk she takes by refusing medication.
I'm glad she finally did decide to see the doctor, once she started seeing spots before her eyes. It can be a symptom of blood pressure problems.
I believe that your mother is under a lot of stress, and because your father works long 12 hour shifts, as you mentioned earlier, well then she tries to do everything herself.
Eventually if she's not mindful of this, it could lead to a total physical collapse, which ends up with her in hospital.
I'm sure she doesn't want that.
A total physical collapse, is simply extreme exhaustion.
And if it does come to that, well then she will have no choice but to cut back on how much she does, otherwise it will keep on happening. The collapse, that is.
Some people refuse to accept the truth, until they become terminally ill.
Or else if not that, until they have a heart attack or a stroke.
I really don't want that to happen to your mother.
So the round the table family conference would be a really good idea, to get other family members' ideas on what each could do, and people offering to do this and to do that.
It will at least get some kind of plan into place, and this is what is needed the most.
And before the family meeting, you need to speak to your mother - just the two of you - and tell her what you just told me, that you have been having fainting spells, due to stress.
And that it's not the first time it has happened.
And if up until now you haven't told her this, well then I really suggest you tell her now, so she knows.
I'm sure she doesn't want you to get sick either, so when you tell her how much if affects you, it could be the catylist to her changing how she does things around the house and allowing herself to delegate works tasks for others as well as yourself.
When you all live there together, each should do some things to help.
Whether it's cooking a meal once or twice a week - different people cooking on different nights.
And then things like washing up while another person wipes the dishes.
Someone else takes a turn at vacuuming the whole house.
Each takes a turn at vacuuming, one person one week, another person the next week. That's usually only about once a week for the vacuuming needing to be done.
Each person takes turns in putting out the trash cans to be emptied each week.
One person could puts the bins out, and another brings them in once emptied.
If you have any lawns to be mowed, if not your father, well then maybe if there's another man in the house - he could do it.
Mowing lawns is only once a fortnight in the warmer months, and less often in the cooler seasons.
Things also, like each making their own beds once they get up in the mornings.
Keeping bedrooms tidy and things put away.
Keeping surface clutter in all rooms to an absolute minimum.
Each putting their dirty laundry straight into the laundry basket ready for washing.
Then perhaps one person could do a load or two of washing, once a week.
Then another person on another day, and different people doing the laundry washing on different days of the week.
But basically if you wash each day, well then a different person does it each day of the week.
Then hangs it out.
So it's not the same person doing it every single day.
Or perhaps your mother might want to do some of that herself, I'm sure.
Then there's the ironing and folding of the clothes that come off the clothes line.
Each of you could share in some of those duties as well.
As you can see, there is so much to keeping a house neat and tidy and everything getting done in a timely manner.
So there are certainly a lot of duties you and the other family members could help share responsibility for.
Your mother definitely needs some help, that's for sure, so it's just a case of doing whatever you can - each of you - whenever you can.
It's really that simple.
Some things you each could do without even consulting your mother to ask, just do it and then it's done.
So what I am really saying here, is taking some initiative, and don't wait to be asked.
I think your mother might really appreciate that.
She might get picky with how you or others do things, because she feels somewhat overwhelmed, and yet still wants things to be done to a certain standard.
You could change all that.
Even if you have to ARGUE the point with her.
You know, a lot of things can be settled through a confrontation, because often, it's the only time people really say what's bugging them - and being completely honest, when they do!
So don't be afraid to do this, should you see no other option.
It would certainly break the ice!
I have no doubt about that whatsoever.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for that response that's helpful. My mom refuses to go on the medication as she has an aversion to tablets and has avoided up until now sharing the doctor (she went over a year ago was asked to return with blood pressure reading for a week but never did) She recently started seeing specks in her eye so it has taken until now for her to actually go to the doctor. My only concern is that even after explaining all this too her she will think that I should be able to do it. Which It would be great if I could but I myself spent a year fainting due to stress and recently the symptoms have come back and I feel it's to do with the pressure she is trying to put on me. I will try a family discussion to see if I can get her to understand a bit better that its not healthy for anyone.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hi there. This is the problem with being a perfectionist - your mother, I mean.
She believes no-one else can do as good a job as she can, with everything that needs to be done.
Unfortunately, with this way of thinking, it just makes more work for that person.
And as you have said, it has made her ill - I assume you are talking about the problem with high blood pressure, that she has.
And that is potentially, a very dangerous situation.
Even with medication, which I am guessing she is taking, she still needs to make some lifestyle changes to remove any stress, so as not to counteract the BP meds she is on, and cause it to keep going up.
And she doesn't want that to happen, surely.
I think what needs to happen here, is that you, your mother, your boyfriend and your other siblings and foster children, all need to have a round the table conference about each of you doing your fair share of household duties, and working out some kind of roster.
It's really the only way.
You all need to be in the same room at the same time - EVERYONE needs to be present.
And there is no use in having the meeting without your mother being present.
You will need to organise this well, so it happens as soon as possible.
When a person chooses to want to do EVERYTHING themselves because they don't trust that anyone else can do it as well, it just places unneccessary pressure on that one person to do it all.
Even before the meeting of all people who live in your house, you could also try and get your mother to see just how much pressure she is putting on herself to be perfect.
And it also needs to be pointed out to her the consequences of this need of hers, for things to be perfect.
And I am talking about her high blood pressure, probably caused by this situation, for sure.
She needs to realize that just as long as the domestic duties get done, is it really that important that they are NOT perfect?
And when it comes to washing dishes, her main concern with perfection there, is that there is NO FOOD left on the dishes once they are scrubbed clean.
She obviously looks for tiny little dots that you can feel but may not be able to see straight away.
So sometimes, it's just a case of turning the plate sideways so the light shines on the flat surface, and then you CAN see anything that is irregular in the flatness of the surface. Which will be a tiny food particle that just needs a little more scouring.
And I guess when it comes to clean eating utensils - plates, cutlery, glasses and cups - we are really talking about hygiene, aren't we?
And good hygiene equates to good health.
And one can't go too far wrong when vacuuming up dust and particles.
So all you need to do is clarify this for your mother, and encourage her to allow others to help her.
It doesn't mean that she isn't good enough.
It's a way of letting others show her their appreciation for all that she does for them.
You can help her to see that.
She may not have looked upon it in that way before now, and believes that a mother should do everything.
This isn't true though.
A mother needs to let others give to her, also.
Your mother ought to let others pamper her for a change, and tell her this also.
And don't forget to tell her how much you love her, and that it's because you love her so much, that you want to do whatever you can to help, and to show her your appreciation.
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