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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi there apologies if this is a little long winded I just really need the help right now and thanks in advance for any help I do receive, it will mean a lot. I've been with my fiance for three years now and we have two children (19 months and 4 months). Since the second pregnancy our relationship has really started to go downhill. During the pregnancy we were up and down but we'd had a few up and downs during the first pregnancy and we just put it down to raging pregnancy hormones, we thought it would get better once she'd arrived. After the birth we were fine for the first couple of weeks but then it started to deteriorate all over again. We started to have major fights and they would be over the stupidest of things, I really can't remember one reason for any of them. But we would both get really irate and angry with each other. In the past four months since our daughter was born we've probably had three-four in depth conversations about whether we should end the relationship or not and it always boils down to us saying "we'll try our best to work at it but if it doesn't work this time its over for good" only for us to "work at it" for a couple of weeks and then find ourselves having the same conversation all over again. We go round and round in circles. When we have decided its probably best if we go our separate ways we realise we can't do it right now because my partner is the bread winner and without him i'd have no money/he doesn't have anyone he could stay with and we don't have the money for hotels. So it does feel like we're still together for financial reasons. We've really tried our hardest to make it work and it will go fine for a few days but then something will happen, one of us will say something in the wrong way and it will all kick off again. We're at each others throats pretty much all of the time and recently its started getting violent which is scaring me. I'm not naturally an angry person, I'm very passive. However when we have had a fight I leave the room to try and cool off but he will follow me and will keep nagging at me, he won't just let it drop. Like today for instance we were having one of our shouting matches and I decided to go upstairs away from him but he immediately followed me and carried the argument on. He kept repeating "I don't understand why you got so angry over that" over and over and I kept saying "leave me alone, leave me alone" but he just wouldn't leave. Eventually I got so angry at his constant nagging that I jumped up and tried to push him down the stairs. The other week I was trying to leave the house to cool off for a bit and have some space but he wouldn't let me leave. He was restraining me and I was kicking him trying to get away. Its starting to get really bad and I don't understand it. I've never been an angry person before but something about him really makes me irate. I also know that this isn't the sort of environment I want for my children. I would rather they grew up happy with separated parents than unhappy with parents that fought none stop.I question all the time whether I should still be with him and picture what life would be like without him. Its not even the children causing the arguments either. I could understand if we were exhausted because we'd been up all night with them but they're really good sleepers and really relaxed children. I always wonder if things will just stay like this or if its going to get any better... I also think part of me is staying with him because I don't want the stigma that is attached to single mothers. After today's argument we're not talking. He's downstairs and i'm upstairs and he's sleeping in the spare room tonight. Also before I finish wanted to say how we've tried working at it. We started to have a once a month date night. I know its supposed to be once a week but I find it tough leaving the children with my mother, or with anyone for that matter because I feel they're my responsibility and don't want to feel like i'm shafting them on to someone else (even though my mum is more than happy to look after them), plus I miss them and worry about them. We just thought having one night to ourselves to go out for a meal or to the cinemas would be nice. We did it twice but then finances got in the way (lead up to Christmas mainly). We also then decided that during an argument one of us would leave the room to cool off or we would both take deep breaths and realise we were being a bit silly and stop. That lasted for a fortnight before we slunk back into old ways. We can't afford a therapist so it rules that out. Just looking for a little advice really. Does it sound as though we should split?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): You are both so young to have the children, but show a great maturity towards the relationship, you have tried to sort it,tried to make it work.The fact your both getting aggressive shows you need a break,a breather from this situation.
Can he move in with his family for a few weeks, just visit the children... you need some space before you make the big descision about splitting up or staying together.
The pressure of the responsibilities you have when so young is great, 2 childrens well being, bills,rent etc...and you've only been together 3 years, let your mum help - have the kids odd times, she's offered, it will give you and your partner some alone time just to sit and talk without distractions.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 can you move in with your mother? I don't think inherently that you two are a violent couple that could never work out but he NEEDS to understand that you need time to think through things that upset you and that his coming at you is creating a particularly unhealthy and dangerous environment and if he can't understand that you have to get out of there.
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