A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for 5 months now. He's lovely and we get on really well. Thing is, after 5 months together there's still been no intimacy. He'll give me a kiss (peck on the lips) straight away when we meet, then the same again when we leave but there is no spontaneity from him to kiss, hug or passionately kiss me unless I initiate it but even then I've had 2 (can we call them) bigger kisses in the whole 5 months we've been together. When I questioned him about this he just said he wanted to take things slow.This weekend we were attending a function and stayed overnight at a hotel. This was our chance for any intimacy to take place. Function finished at 1am and we sat and watch TV till almost 3am with him lying on top of the bed, feet at pillow end (as I was lying the opposite way.) Evenually when I undressed and got into bed he followed 10 minutes later. We sat up and chatted like friends!!! Eventually he wanted to put the light off, gave me a kiss and turned round to go to sleep!!!! No holding me, kissing me or touching me, in fact NO PASSION whatsoever! I asked him to kiss me passionately and he pecked me on the mouth saying I told you it might happen, then again it might not, now let's leave it okay? I was really hurt about this and told him so the next morning. HE is the one that fears intimacy, not me. I mean what red blooded male who has been going with a woman for 5 months wouldn't take advantage of this situation!! He was married for over 20 years (although many of these years they lived in separate bedrooms) and has been divorced for the past 6.Incidentally, he loves to go to "retreats" a few times a year. By this I mean a week out to "chill" in a monastery which I find strange to say the least.What do I do about this? I've told him what exists between us is a friendship and not a relationship. What are your thoughts? Is there something he's witholding from me?????
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 October 2011):
 well, now you've added those other pointers ... yes, he sure sounds totally and completely gay to me. and the biggest giveaway is awkward hugs. jeez. he is so gay i think. sorry - that's just my opinion.
and if he is ... ok. tough for you. tougher probably for him in some ways. so i guess you will just have to be friends. (without benefits ...)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Definitely suss to me too. I think you may have found the real reason.
I think if I were in your shoes, it would be time to thank him for the nice times you've spent together, and move on. He's not going to give you the level of intimacy you are seeking.
Good luck out there in dating-land!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Are there any other pointers that indicate to you he's gay, apart from the best friend?"
Whenever anything to do with gays is mentioned he's over the top saying "eugggh that's horrible". He goes on these "retreats" with other guys. He says he only goes on them a couple of times a year but later this month will be the 3rd time in 5 months he's been away.
He's also into the Rocky Horror stuff and finds it fascinating. And he always goes on about how "macho" he is because he wears leathers (biker) and because he's 6foot tall. He's always discussing with me too about household things. (Last thing he asked me was how do I keep my dishcloths white.)
First time I went to his house, after dinner he came onto the sofa to sit with me and said "is this the bit where I'm meant to put my arm around you!" As if it was a chore, more than being spontaneous... and when he does, he's so rigid, as if it's a spider he's holding. He's not comfortable in any way when I'm close to him. It's almost as if having a woman near him is abhorent to him.
No snogs, no tongues and no sex. I dunno, it just all sounds a bit suss to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): 'it will be interesting! I would plump for him being gayyyy!!! What do you think?' -
Are there any other pointers that indicate to you he's gay, apart from the best friend?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 October 2011):
If he was gay, why when he was finally free of his marriage, would he hook up with another woman and sleep in the same bed as her?
I don't think he's gay. I think he has some kind of problem - be it emotional or physical. Will be interesting to find out, but I feel pretty sorry for him, actually. He isn't able to live normally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe next morning we did discuss it. I told him what we have is a friendship and NOT a relationship and a relationship is what I want. I told him I had been thinking about the way he's been acting for weeks now. If he comes over to my house he even puts on his crash helmet before leaving the house so it's just a peck on the lips. (Saves him from snogging me doesn't it?) I've told him that the way he's acting isn't normal and have ran what could be causing it over in my mind.1. Something possibly happened to him in his childhool2. He's been in a bad relationship previously3. He's a regressed gay (his best friend is gay btw)4. He possibly has erectile difficulties (but that's remote as that wouldn't stop a man being tactile.)The relationship is over as far as I'm concerned. I just feel sorry for the guy and would be happy to listen and help him if I can. Incidentally, we were meant to be meeting up as usual this Wednesday but he's just emailed me (couldn't even call) to say he can't as he has "other things to do". He has been thinking of nothing else and will let me know by the weekend what's going on in his mind.So yeah, it will be interesting! I would plump for him being gayyyy!!! What do you think?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 October 2011):
He obviously has some massive hang-up/problem and is very strange. And is very controlling, and keeps everything absolutely under compartmentalised and separate.
I really don't think you will get anywhere with him. Tell him that you need passion, and without that you are not going to see him any more. See if he decides to open up then. If not, seriously , run a mile from him ... it will be so so miserable and frustrating and lonely for you being with him in the long run.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 October 2011):
 I think the operative phrase in your question is this one:
"....what red blooded male who has been going with a woman for 5 months wouldn't take advantage of this situation!!..."
The answer, of course, is: Any one (red-blooded American man) who wouldn't seek to get you to put out HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!!!!
Good luck.... (you're going to need it!)
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Yes, there is something he is withholding from you.The affection you crave to feel wanted, desired and attended to.The two of you do not run at the same speeds. You have been going together 5 mos and the most he has ever given you is a simple smootch?However, you have a bigger problem than not being closer physically...if you can not talk about being sexual with him, then he can not get closer emotionally either.You asked for more passion and he told you to drop it. He is keeping you on a "wait and see" pattern. Maybe he has a problem with his sex drive. You will not know the real reason until you talk to him about what each of you expect in the physical department. Now, brace yourself for answers you might not like. Get some answers and decide how patient you are willing to be.
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