A
female
age
36-40,
*amie911
writes:My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. We are both very affectionate, our sex life is great, we stimulate each other mentally and physically and we both have outside interests, we're also very well matched in our interests, our sense of humour etc and we have never had a fight. Basically we have what I would class as an excellent bond and are very well matched. Unfortunately, he seems to need something else from an ex of his. He regularly texts this girl from his past, he has told me that she is an old friend but I know she is an ex. He always seems to initiate the contact and says things to her that in my opinion you should only say to your other half, in the past he has said to her "i wish i was there with you", "i'd love to be keeping you company...", "is it wrong that i still feel the way i do about you?". She brings me up in these kind of conversations in a manner like she is trying to remind him that he has a girlfriend which really really upsets me but she is also not innocent. She says things to him that you shouldn't say to someone you know has an other half. She tells him she misses him and misses their time together and other stuff like that. He also always lies about talking to her which makes me paranoid. We have talked about her in the past and he has lied about her and the conversations and their past. I don't understand this.I don't check his computer or anything like that but he is always signed into google and his homepage is his google page so when his computer is on he always has this page open. She is nearly always online but never initiates a conversation with him and it has made me lose some respect for him that he kind of runs to her in this way because I can see with my own eyes that she never initiates a conversation with him.This mistrust that I have about the "friendship" he has with this woman has crept into our relationship. Whereas before when he looked at other girls or commented on them it never bothered me in the slightest, he is not subtle and it's just the way he is, his dad and brother are the exact same. But now, I feel like shit when he does it because the way he talks to this woman makes me feel like he would go further and talk to any woman like this. Last night, for instance, he was out of the room and I was getting my phone charger from beside his computer and his phone beeped. It was a message from that woman. He came back into the room and checked his phone and started acting shifty, like he was trying to make it look like he hadn't checked his phone and he has been keeping an eye on it all night. When he doesn't text her back or message her back immediately she always gets an explanation and an apology as soon as, he doesn't even respond to my e-mails or texts but this has never bothered me until I found out about the way he speaks to this girl. Just by way of explanation he also doesn't respond to any of his friends' e-mails but always answers their texts.I felt really angry last night and I know he picked up that something was wrong and was wondering. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I eventually got to sleep at about 5am. In the past, I have asked him to change the way he speaks to her and maybe speak to her a little less and he has said he would but this hasn't happened.What can I do? What advice do you all have?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I won't make a habit of posting a reply to another Agony Aunt/Uncle, as it's not appropriate, but in this case, I want to ensure CERBERUS and the OP know, I was NOT suggesting you demand your boyfriend makes a choice, as quite rightly he has already done that, NOR was I suggesting you 'make him CHOOSE' as again we all know he has done that too. My suggestion, advice in 'Telling him that he either STOPS all contact with her or you leave' Was really to impart some CONTROL for the OP, to help her take control of her own life.
I don't believe one should just vanish from a relationship, unless violence is involved, then it's cut and dried. Therefore she has to say something before she packs her bags and leaves, this is for her, NOT him, for her to gain some closure, and just leaving him, will not do that for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Sorry OP but the other posters are right. This is a full blown emotional affair and make no mistake they're as bad if not worse than a physical one.
Jilly makes some excellent points but I have to differ on how you should go about this. Personally I think you need to treat this as the full blown affair that it is because he is cheating on you emotionally, seriously that's just as bad as the sexual version and worse because it's not just a physical attraction that has led to sex, he actually loves her.
I also have to differ on what you should do next, Jilly and Honey think you should make him choose but he's already chosen OP, he's already chosen to lie and completely betray you. He's already chosen to keep the flame burning with her and he's still in love with her and keeping the relationship with her going. Both in front of you and behind your back.
To me there is only one option and that is to walk away. Because if you want my honest opinion I think it's already too late and if he can do this with her then he will do it again with someone else because I hate to break it to you but his love for you (if he even does) wasn't strong enough to stop him fostering a relationship with this girl and it won't be strong enough to hold you together should he find another girl to fall for.
Now the girls think you need to put your foot down and demand he choose but be honest with yourself OP you really shouldn't have to should you? He should have always chosen you first and never gotten that close to her in the first place. So even if he were to choose you, then that would be a Pyrrhic victory, it would be hollow because it's not his choice it was something forced on him. Put simply he has already chosen her, he's already chosen to put your relationship to the side and build one with her. He's chosen to lie, cheat and betray you, he's treating her like his girlfriend and treating you like his worthless bit on the side.
The girls are also right that you let this continue for far too long, at the first sign of trouble you should have been up in arms, they're also right that enough is enough. If he wants to take the mick and continue this crap then you have to walk. So it's time to make this stop OP, one way or another one of you has to go, so while I think you should just go I have a feeling your love for him is going to make you take the choosing option. It's not a bad option either OP, and honestly OP I hope he chooses her, I know that's not what you want to hear and maybe you think I'm a gowl for saying that but I think you'd be better moving on because you simply cannot trust this guy and I think you'd actually stay with him if he chose you and try and forgive him because you love him so deeply. Frankly I think that would be a horrible mistake and you will only get very hurt in the future.
This is not good OP, I've never seen any couple ever get past an emotional affair, never. Sexual ones, one night stands I've seen people overcome. But emotional cheating is step beyond that and it means he has the potential to love someone else as much if not more than you and that's not good at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Not sure how you reached the decision " You have an excellent bond and are very well matched "
Your boyfriend not only is NOT subtle if and when he notices someone of the opposite sex he feel is worth commenting on, to texting his ex-girlfriend in an intimate way, whilst still getting into your bed. Oh yes, and that he has 'lied' about his contact with her.
Is that what you see as an excellent bond, match?
If there isn't trust, OR if one of a couple is texting a former lover/partner then that would be alarm bells for me, as it shows he is not over her, and is not completely sold on what he has with you. The problem is, YOU are allowing it!
This is a horrible and painful situation for you, and one you need to address with him - you don't ask, you've done that, and he's ignored you, as obviously he feels he has you right where he wants, whilst he interacts with an ex.
Take control, tell him he either stops communicating with this girl, or you will be gone. STICK to it, you can't say anything you are not prepared to live out, because if you did, you would become more of a doormat. This is harsh, but like so many females who are so keen to keep a guy, they lose sight of themselves, lose self-confidence, and as you say you didn't sleep last night. I assure you, if you don't nip this in the bud, even if it doesn't have the outcome your heart desires, this guy will walk over you. And instead of one sleepless night, it will be several whilst you ask yourself why he has treated you like this.
Because you make excuses for him, because you allow him to behave like a spoilt, inconsiderate, insensitive jerk!
Please, you deserve someone to love you fully, not act as though you're an insurance policy..
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Sorry but it sounds like your bf is having an emotional affair with his ex.
There is only space for 2 people in a relationship - you and him. You must decide whether you are willing to accept a 3 person [the ex] in your relationship.
If the answer is no, tell him in no uncertain terms that what he is doing is making you uncomfortable and get him to agree to cut all contact with this girl.
If he doesnt want to cut all contact with her, then surely he has made his choice - he wants her and not you.
Sorry to be so harsh but this guy wants the best of both worlds.
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