A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have known each other many years, as friends for the most part. I recently decided to be open with her, about something I kept from her 3 years ago, when we were just friends. Naturally, this made her lose trust in me, as if I had been lying to her for 3 years.Because I was honest and told her, she knows she CAN trust me over time, but she cannot right now. Understandably.Because of her lack of trust in me, I cannot make her feel good about herself, i.e. telling her she is beautiful, as she doesn't know if I mean it to be true etc.She has M.E., and part of this condition is what can only be described as "brain fog" - if you asked her what she is thinking, she couldn't tell you - she knows it is there, but there is just so much stuff in front of that thought blocking it that she can't get to it. If that makes sense lol.She knows she has been in love with me, for years, but has recently had an M.E. relapse, and so her brain fog is very bad at the minute, and she is out 75% sure she loves me, but she isn't sure for certain. Naturally we both want to know. She thinks a break would help, so she wouldn't have relationship worries on her mind for a while, so er brain fog could clear a little, and make it easier to see her feelings for me.To make matters more complicated, she has a crush on another guy. Naturally, people do have crushes, even in relationships, but they pass after a while. She has a crush on her friend, but is sure it will pass. She went to the cinema with him, and he kissed her. She did not kiss him back, as she would never cheat on anybody. But she does have a crush on him.If we do go on a break, it is very likely that she will kiss the other guy. She has promised me that it would never be anything more than a kiss, which i trust her on. Kissing him would make her feel wanted, which I cannot do, because of her trust issues in me at the moment.I know a break would help us, because she could clear her brain fog about her feelings for me, but it just hurts that she would probably kiss another guy on that break.What should I do?
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a break, crush, kissing Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno we;ve been on the break for 2 months now.
the thing with that guy happened 2 months ago as well.
we're just trying to sort things out now, and hopefully come off the break soon
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Yes i was meaning this guy featured a couple of months ago, and you're back to the stage where you're being asked for a break.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno no no. i mean 2 months after I orginally posted it. I posted it on the 21st May, the guy drove round to hers on the 23rd lol.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (31 July 2008):
Hi again
And this has taken 2 months to happen? Doesn't sound like she's too happy with the relationship does it. Not a lot you can do about the fact she wants a break, but if someone else is involved i would be careful. She might well want back yet again, But how many breaks will she want in the future when someone else shows an interest?
C xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, here's what's happened in the past couple of months.
The guy went round to see 2 days after I posted this.
She text him when he was on his way there saying she couldn't do it, she couldn't see him. She told me she felt guilty about it because she knew something woud probably happen, and she didn;t want to risk "us".
We are on a break now, and I'm trying to give her space, but it's hard. She has said she won't do anything with anyone else in this time. We're trying to work things out but end up arguin a lot of the time. But we are still together, but on a break, and she has told me that once she has had the space and time she needs she will be back with me properly :)
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 May 2008):
Hi
Ive never known M.E to cause that so i dont know, but if someone i was dating was crushing on someone else, had been to the cinema with them and kissed them, i would say good bye. Maybe i'm missing something here though?
If she wants a break, but says she will be kissing this other guy, basically she wants a break to try the other guy out doesn't she. Thats not rocket science? Or maybe, as i said, i am missing something here.
I was going to say look at a previous question today, for some answers
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-made-some-mistakes-which-made-him-break.html
But i'm not sure now if the situation is all that similar?
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 You're pretty mature for a guy of your age.
I suggest taking the break, set a limit on how long it should go on for, and make sure you set the parameters clearly (i.e. do you still talk on the break? or is it a clean break? are you both allowed to date? kiss? sleep with others?). You lied to her for a long time and it will take a long time for the trust to be rebuilt. Once trust is gone, the relationship is doomed unless both parties put in some serious work.
So my suggestion to you is this: take a short break, let her do her thing to sort herself out. And try not to see anyone else on the break. If you go off and diddle a bunch of other women, or kiss them, etc. that will do nothing for the bond you have with your gf... it will make her doubt your commitment and how trustworthy you are.
If you are serious about the relationship, then the best thing for you to do is to make a sacrifice- leave her alone to clear her head, tell her to get back to you in a couple of weeks so you can both discuss it clearly. And try to keep it in your pants in the interim. She'll appreciate it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I would say focus on the positives of time apart...you will be able to think over things you know you will not want to do to hurt your relationship wants it starts blooming again. Try not to focus on if she kisses someone else...you know, 'what you don't know won't hurt you' is probably not appropriate in your situation, seeing as how your confession sort of brought you both to the point you are at now. Try to focus less on who she could be with and more on the things to do to strengthen your relationship once it is back and strong.
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