A
female
age
41-50,
*eganJJ
writes:My Fiancé is a very inspiring person: born very poor single mother who had troubles with "the drink" (one Christmas he told me all he got was a black eye). Yet, he's now finishing a medical residency and has put everything behind him from his past, so I thought. I love him deeply, and we've been dating for about 2 years. He's handsome, kind, very smart, respectful, knows his way around a bedroom, etc. He really is prince charming. The other night however, I woke up and he wasn't there...I walked out into the living room to find him sitting on the floor, with is back towards me, starring at the wall -- odd place to be at 2am. I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned to me and while he wasn't crying, his eyes were very red and watery. After excuse after excuse, he finally told me the truth. He had a three year relationship with a girl he met in his chemistry lab in second year...he was in love with her, etc. etc. She went on a hike with her father and brother after exams in her fourth years...and she passed away due to a blood clot. It was apparently due to a rare (but treatable) blood disease that was undiagnosed in her. The clot went to her brain and she just died more or less instantly. My Fiancé was devastated and, in his own words, "I just wanted to die...I felt like I had been punched in the stomach." He took a break year before medical school, where he lived, alone, in his family cottage, which is 80km to the nearest gas station, let alone nearest town.This was about 8 years ago, and he still thinks of her. He said he loved me, is in love with me, and that I was in no way a replacement (which I asked if I was). I believe him; it was said in a very honestly, genuine way. That night I found him was the anniversary of her death...I found a photo of her today in one of his old photo albums which he doesn't open anymore...she was breathtakingly beautiful, one of the best looking people I've ever seen (far prettier than me) and had been accepted to Columbia University for graduate studies before she died (so very smart too)... she makes me feel like a step down...and I have a Master's Degree and use to beat droves of boys off with sticks in college.I'm at a loss as to what I should feel/think right now. Should this change how I feel about my husband-to-be?
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Nothing should change the way you feel about the man the love now. Things that happened in the past, and relationships that he has had before have shaped his life and made him the way he is.
My own partner experienced love, violence, and death from a former boyfriend who she clearly loved in the past. She has the odd picture of him, a certain song takes her back to their relationship, (she always cries) and he even raped her, before he died in a car crash. This was over 20 years ago, and I believe she cries, wondering about the life that MIGHT have been.
All this happened before she met me, and all I can say is that she was a different person back then. It affected her immensely, but helped to bring us together.
This does not affect the way I feel about her now and hopefully never will, and I am wondering why you would have any doubts regarding your fiance.
What happened in the past has made him the man he is, the man you love. I am sure that you have past men that made you wish time could stand still. I am sure there are men that you think of every day. I am sure that there are certain men whose photos you wish you still had.
You cant compare different relationships. Every one is unique in its dynamics. So no need to get down on yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I understand you feel your worth and love is at question due to the fact he hid this from you, the history, the past.There should be no such secrets in a relationship.I understand that the 'secret' of the relationship and his current feelings are what make you feel the way you do.How do you trust in someone when he is in mourning over someone he did once love grealy. I get that. So talk it out with him. Get reassurance. You get to tell him why you are hurt and when you will feel reassured.Its not the time now. Just mention what you are struggling with.Now, comfort him. Be at his side as he struggles to let her go. He may also have attached meaning to her other than romantic and he is mourning that as well. Also due to his past; his abandonment triggers are going off so it makes it seem, he lost the Love of a Lifetime but hasn't.He's with you. You and Him get to work through this and move forward.Focus on healing.He should be in an addictions program for life-its what addicts need to do as they will always be Addicts and he may be in recovery but he needs to keep vigilant. Especially after this recent stressful event.He should also be in counselling to address his past so he can better deal with stress, loss, and strengthen his resolve to remain sober.I think you'll be fine so long as he and you keep the communication open and honest and work together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): Women suddenly finding out their man has been in love before. IMHO this affects women the way it affects men to hear their supposedly virgin woman has had sex before. It damages their picture-perfect view of the person and they can't get it out of their mind that they will never really get the person "all to themselves" again.
Like men having to deal with non-virgin women, you must deal with the fact that your man has been involved that way with someone else before. It does not mean he cannot love you as much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I can understand why it would bother you a little. I think I'd have a little Retroactive Jealousy myself. However, I think you can still trust him and believe in him.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 February 2012):
 "I have a Master's Degree and use to beat droves of boys off with sticks in college." - And she is cold and dead and lying in her grave. I think your the one who is better off at this moment. If it was a close friend that died young and unexpectedly, he'd probably be grieving in the same way, on the anniversary of their death. Anniversaries always cause us to remember past events. You probably haven't had anyone close to you die yet, when you do you will understand more about his feelings. At the moment, just give him lots of hugs and kisses, and be there to listen if he feels he needs to talk. I don't suggest you spend time worrying about yourself, or pandering to your vanity and jealousy, he's the one who needs the support at the moment. Doesn't matter who she was or what she looked like, she aint around at the moment and never will be. Take a leaf out of his book, and show him some kindness right now, like you say he has done for you.He needs you right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): Absolutely not, it just shows what a compassionate man he is (in my opinion). When you lose somebody you love, suddenly, when young, its devastating,you expect everyone to grow old..You don't ever forget them do you. But they are gone.
It doesn't mean he loves you less, or even compares you,so why should you compare yourself to her.He loves you,he's with you.He took moments to remember the girl who died,from his past.But life goes on and his is with you now.
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