A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 2 years and have been together for 4 years in total. One year into the relationship we knew we were going to get married and started having sex with each other. We were both virgins, and it was special knowing she had saved herself as did I. Our sex life has been good and I have no complaints. However i recently discovered that she may not have in fact been a virgin. I know she dated other people, as did I, and she recently told me that one of her ex boyfriends tried to have sex with her. When I pressed for details, she explained that during a make out session, they ended up nude together and he tried to penetrate her. He actually got it in a little bit and started to push before she told him to stop because she was not ready. The way she tells it, is he got just past the head in for sure, and a little more and started feeling pain. After hearing this, I told her that counts as sex, and she was not considered a virgin anymore. I have read other questions and the consensus is it counts. To be honest, I am a little bit upset, but it's nothing that's going to hurt the marriage, we will go on... But my questions are, should she have been more honest, and was she a virgin for me?? , I do feel that she should also be honest with herself and accept that her ex devirginized her and not me.
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both virgins, her ex, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): If she had been raped before you got together then would that count as losing her virginity too?
It depends on whether you consider her virginity to be a state of mind, or a state of hymen.
A
male
reader, popeye78  +, writes (7 February 2010):
If you really do love her, then I wouldn't let this get in the way of your relationship. You should however be honest in telling her that it did bother you. Tell her that you would have valued the truth before. However she does not deaseave to be judged badly for this.. ok maybe she should have told you but she was probably very ashamed of what happened and thought you would think badly of her if she said anything. Ok she may have been penetrated briefly but she it didnt feel right for her. It felt right eith you though, that is what matters. In my eyes when she had sex with you, she was still a virgin. You can get over this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): There is an episode of a TV show that I think you would benefit from watching, it is Season 2, Episode 12 of How I Met Your Mother. The episode is titled: First Time in New York. You can stream the video from numerous websites online and it will answer your question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): Hello dear !
Its my experience that virginity is different thing and sincereity , honesty is different thing.my friend ex left her becouse she was not virgin.he married with a virgin girl and unfortunatilly his life is hill now.i was also not virgin before marriage but i love my husband more then my life.please dont disturb your life with stupid things.i am sure she loves you thats why she is with you.
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A
female
reader, jc82  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Have you gone into explicit details with her about every single sexual experience you have ever had? If so, I have to say I think that is a bad idea. No one wants those mental pictures. I don't think she "should" have been more honest, she wasn't obligated to spell out her past kiss-by-kiss for you, and it sounds like once the subject came up, she disclosed everything, which is the best any of us can do. Technically, if you want to get graphic about it, as long as her hymen was intact, she was still a virgin when you got to her. And if only the head went in, it was likely still intact.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Why does this make her less special to you? You've had sex thousands of times now, why aren't you thinking about all those wonderful times instead?
The guy got the head in, she felt pain and then they stopped. He probably didn't penetrate very far, didn't break her hymen, and so therefore technically she was still a virgin when she married you. I hope that put's her back on your "purity" pedestal, and makes her clean and specially again and good enough for you to respect and love.
Men..... ppfff.. not good enough to have a woman that loves you, no, a little piece of skin makes her an angel or a whore. Absolutely disgusting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): Whatever happened it obviously wasnt special otherwise she would have gone ahead with it. She wouldnt want to class herself as losing her virginity to him, especially because she stopped it. Who really cares if it went in 1 inch, 2 inch, 17, just be grateful that she was honest and told you. Its a good sign that she's got nothing to hide, especially since she has nothing to gain from telling you other than drama and doubt. Let it go, she wouldnt enjoy talking about it just as much as you wouldnt enjoy hearing it. Dont cheapen the experience that you guys had, she'd be classed as a virgin in my opinion. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): Well its a tough call.
It seems you are making a choice for her, so is her first time, a very uncomfortable and unhappy time with her ex or is it her first loving and enjoyable time with the man she will spend the rest of her life with?
She has already chosen, so you sould accept it and let it go.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 February 2010):
Virginity is not as simple as a broken hymen any more.
If she ever rode a horse, fell out of a tree, or put a tampon in a little roughly, you could also say that she was no longer a virgin.
She got intimate with her ex and there was something LIKE sex, but whether you count it as sex or not is opinion. It's a very grey area.
YOU think it counts, SHE did not.
This is opinion and yours differs from your wife's.
She WAS honest about her belief that she was a virgin and just because you draw the line a little differently, does not mean she's in the wrong.
Either way you need to just leave this in the past and forget about it. You have to decide that you are either not going to get over it and leave her, or forgive her and not bring it up again. You can't keep this hanging over her forever, it's just not fair.
Good Luck!! xx
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