A
male
age
41-50,
*ober
writes:i'm 34 and she's 21. We're married for 15 months. we're fated, have everything in common. however, a few weeks back i asked her which friend she talks to most about stuff. she said no one really, and certainly would never spill details about me or us. not believing that garbage, i inquired to a few mutual friends. turns out, she's a liar. now her past comes into focus. she's openly admitted to having at least 20 sexual partners, and her last relationship was with 2 guys, (living and sleeping together) ended with her cheating on them......with me. my suspicions are high. i love her so much, but admittedly her past along with her new dishonest present? just plain frightens me. any input or advice would be much appreciated. i'm more than grateful. thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): "borderline personality and bi-polar disorder"
You don't get diagnosed with these two diagnoses without some real serious shit coming down.
For all your criticism you have received, borderline personality disorder people are very unusual.
Read this, it may help you understand.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml
Key issue, "Researchers believe that BPD results from a combination of individual vulnerability to environmental stress, neglect or abuse as young children, and a series of events that trigger the onset of the disorder as young adults. Adults with BPD are also considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes. This may result from both harmful environments as well as impulsivity and poor judgement in choosing partners and lifestyles."
You can't trust her without a lot of help and she will require that help with counseling, individual as well as couples if you stay with her, for many years.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Lying to loved ones is a big red flag, past or present.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): You have to learn to pick better women. Especially if you are going to marry them.
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A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (19 March 2011):
SUPER RED FLAG!!! This woman definitely sounds like a player, a nymphomaniac. You married this woman?If a girl cheated on someone for me, I would not date her. My male friend had a girl cheat on someone with him, and now they are dating. I warned him, and he says he will be careful, but I would not have even given her a chance.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (19 March 2011):
 "We're married for 15 months.we're fated, have everything in common. however, a few weeks back i asked her which friend she talks to most about stuff.""not believing that garbage, i inquired to a few mutual friends."None of us know her side of the story; maybe she really is a nightmare and a liar. But still, I would not want to be married to you. How can you have so little faith in your wife? How can you, based on nothing other than a hunch, call your wife's version of the truth 'garbage' and then interrogate her friends for the 'truth'? That is unbelievably disrespectful. It doesn't sound like either of you possess the maturity necessary for marriage. If you don't trust your wife, you shouldn't be married to her. I can't even tell from this post if you even love her... What exactly are you doing with her???
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (19 March 2011):
I don't get how you two got married without knowing each other better.Of course I don't think a marriage in this conditions could work. But I don't know how much of this is your responsibility. Maybe you would like to add information here about how did you meet and got married.
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A
female
reader, shiori +, writes (19 March 2011):
you should just see what happens in the future. don't bring up her past. you may cause issues. just wait. what if she is trying to change? you never know.
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A
female
reader, goldensunnystar +, writes (19 March 2011):
Facts of the past should have been discussed before making a legal contract in the eyes of the law, your families. At this point I would just be like the past is the past, I don’t want to talk about previous encounters/boyfriends and not air dirty \ laundry at this point. You're married, she is all yours and the past is the past at this point. Digging into her past of old lovers is bound to bring more negativity then anything else. Now the past may be more hurtful or shocking.I never discuss with whoever I date the number of men I have been with or talk much about the “others”. I am a jealous lover and prefer not to hear the details of past lovers either. My focus is on my current relationship. If I got married I would disclose some facts but there is not point in getting into explicit details.Ummm most women have some outlet to express themselves. Most people can't keep quite let alone keep many secrets at one time. You should set rules and boundaries about telling people certain details of your relationships.
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A
male
reader, Tober +, writes (19 March 2011):
Tober is verified as being by the original poster of the question it also seems prudent to add that she has borderline personality and bi-polar disorder. not only are her emotions on an almost constant wax and wane cycle, she becomes an absolute nightmare on a regular basis. so considering the aforementioned factuals, what's the word. not sure, but emotional unpredictability combined with dishonesty; and a checkered past, looks quite hopeless indeed.
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