A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: For the past year my husband has been going to the bars with his friends about twice per month.He stays until the bar is closed. I was ill for a few months and never wanted to go out when he asked (not that I could, because we don't have a babysitter or family to help) I would love to go out now but we still do not have a sitter. when we are invited by his friends to go out I always have to stay home, he always go out. I am feeling very resentful! I do not have any friends. I just work and stay home with our girl. I do not feel it is fair. I think he should have to stay home if we both can not go out. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Curiouser  +, writes (31 October 2011):
Telling him to stay home all the time too would not solve your issues, it would only give him the same issues that you are facing for yourself.
Try and make your situation happier. Don't try and drag him down with you!
I think you need to focus on how you can go out/ socialise on occasions too. If your relationship is under strain it would be great if you could spend some quality time together. Talk to him about working on this, and on how you could find a babysitter so that you can go out together, or perhaps look to invite people round to your's or find places where you can go out and take your girl. If you could meet people when you're out with your girl then you might find some friends to go out with on an evening too.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2011):
 I think it's fine that he goes out with friends, but YOU ought to do the same. You can't rely on him to always entertain you. ( IMHO) You two should take turns going out, and at least once a month find a baby sitter so YOU TWO can go for dinner & a movie or whatnot.
I do agree that is you "demand" that he stays home because you can't find a babysitter he will resent it and after a while you will too.
With that said, HE can stay home too once in a while and YOU go out.
And you really need to consider trying to make some friends of your own. Seems like you are kinda resenting him for having friends, when you have none.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Why aren't you taking turns? He goes out one time, you go the next, and he stays at home with the children. What's fair is fair. If he can't agree to stay at home 50% of the time, then yeah, he shouldn't be going either unless you can also go.
You need to get out of the house more, leave him at home with the kids and go out and have some fun!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): You need to develop friendships with other mums, start a babysitting circle if you can.I got a sitter from the local college,a student on a childcare course,when mine were young. Get out by yourself also, even if its just an exercise class once a week.
Men go out, they like to relax with mates,in a bar or watching sport.Its not uncommon.If you cant get a sitter then invite people to yours for a meal or BBQ.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (30 October 2011):
No you are not wrong bit why don't you have friends of your own? It's important.
Try really hard to find a babysitter and go with him. Nothing good happens in a bar past 2am.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): Try to trade off now. Tell him that some nights he has to watch the child while YOU go out and have fun. it is only fair.also, work on finding a sitter of course! ask around with your friends to see if anyone has recommendations, or check sites like care.com which have local sitters along with their credentials, background checks, histories, etc. :)he's not being selfish, he just isn't a mind reader. he thinks that what he is doing is okay, so you need to tell him it isn't. tell him either you guys start trading off, going together, or he can't go at all and that it is only fair. most people don't think of the whole "is this fair?" thing if they think their SO is okay with it. communicate. and get some planning going so you can get out and enjoy yourself too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): I think it's unfair if it's always you who stays home while he goes out and has fun and never the other way round.
why don't you go out with your own friends and have him stay home with the kid, for once?
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A
female
reader, misztoria +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Men need to spend time with their friends and I think if you tell him he has to stay home he'll end up resenting you. You should talk to him and tell him you feel lonely and that you would like to go out with him once in awhile. First you need to find a sitter, try a babysitting website if you can't find one in your area. Then address your concerns to him and if he thinks it's not a good idea then tell him all you want is one night a month that way he can still spend time with his boys the 2nd night of the month. If this doesn't work, pick a night where you can go out with your girlfriends and make him stay home! Good luck =)
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