A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i wanted to ask this question on behalf of one of my good friends. we were talking earlier today and i gave her some advice and wanted to know if people had differing perspectives.her and her boyfriend got together about a year ago. they were just casually dating for the first few months because she wasn't ready to put a title on the relationship because she was seeing other people, but she didn't tell him that. he just thought she wanted to take things slowly. crappy of her, i know. she claims that she just didn't know if she really cared about him enough or not yet to commit herself to him fully, but also didn't want to lose him. anyway, that's just her ridiculous justification. well during this span of time that she was seeing other people and hadn't yet committed to him, she wound up sleeping with two of his close friends, which to this day, he still knows nothing about. fast forward a little while later and she realizes she really does care about this guy and finally commits to him and has never cheated or faltered since they officially got together. well she knows he is planning to propose very soon and i told her she needs to tell him the truth about what happened before they got together before he proposes. i told her that he deserves to know the truth. but her and those crappy friends of his swore to secrecy and vowed never to tell him what happened. she is afraid to ruin their friendship over it and break the promise they made to each other. and she also is afraid to lose the love of her life because of her awful decision making before they were committed.i'm not justifying her behavior whatsoever. she knows, as well as i know, that she was a really humongous asshole for what she did to him. she will be the first to admit it. but she admits that she never really thought she would wind up caring so much about him down the road. that at the time she did it, she didn't see them going anywhere.anyway, advice please. i feel certain this guy will leave her if she tells him the truth. who wouldn't?? but it's just the right thing to do, in my opinion. can't start a marriage off like that. thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): I don't understand why YOU feel the urgency in her coming clean with HER man, hmm?
Look what she did was wrong, but telling him now when she has never cheated on him since becoming a couple, seems fruitless..
Leave them both alone, it's her choice to tell him, and I'm sorry to say not YOURS...
Gee she doesn't need an enemy when she got you, eh!!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 November 2012):
 Normally I'd say don't tell. But given this is two of his close friends there is a very good chance he'll wind up finding out from one of them at some point in the future. Perhaps 10 years from now they'll be drunk and one will just let it slip. It happens. A lot.
In that scenario he'll feel he's been lied to for 10 years. The problems coming from that will be much worse than him knowing now.
So, given he's likely to find out at some point, it's better to know sooner rather than later. That would be my advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): The right to keep sexual secrets from your past stops applying when those people are still around in the present. These guys are not long gone strangers that she once screwed in Cancun, these are her man's friends today.
Besides, its already messed up that the guy's friends let him date this girl slowly & seriously while they casually fucked her on the side without ever telling him.
This poor guy has a fiance and two friends that have all screwed around on him behind his back. Somebody needs to tell him so he can dump her (for her deceit, not her having a past sex life) and stop trusting those "friends" too.
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A
male
reader, lost cartographer +, writes (6 November 2012):
Reverse the situation. Imagine a guy is seeing a girl. He doesn't know if he really wants a future with her so he goes off and sleeps with 2 of her close friends. Anyway they stay with together for a year or so and develop a relationship.
The poor girl. If this was the scenario there would be bloggers baying for blood.
Reverse it back. I hate to say this but if my girlfriend did this I wouldnt want to marry them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2012):
 Honestly, I don't think she OWES him a record of whom she slept with before dating him, but if she feels like she HAS to tell him, I would ASK him if he wants to know how many guys she's slept with and if he would want to know who she slept with before they were an item.
BUT I think it's for HER to share with him, NOT you.
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (6 November 2012):
 as much as I'd like to say its okay because she didn't think it would go anywhere its not. " she claims that she just didn't know if she really cared about him enough or not yet to commit herself to him fully, but also didn't want to lose him. anyway, that's just her ridiculous justification"there is something to this tho.... on the other side of the coin... whats the point in telling him? I mean if this was all before they got together? there are some things that just don't need to be said. example... I know for a fact that almost every young couple when angry at each other has dipped back and talked to an ex... (basically used them) then when things worked out with the lover... well the ex was put in the past again... do they tell each other they have done that? NO. my advise... if she decides to tell him she must be sure this is what she wants... and be tactful ... and realize this may damage what she has now. (i don't see much of an issue with what she did) aside from not keying him on she was seeing others ... dating around and not committing is fine. I personally wouldn't tell him... to be honest im not even sure if its his business ... i mean where they sleeping together?? (did he feel they were a couple at that time)?? i don't think they would be starting a marriage on a bad note... cause they were not really together when she did it... if my boyfriend new all the things i had done while making up my mind to date him.. i guarantee we wouldn't be dating either.. (i don't even want to think of what hes done)bottom line... she needs to weigh her options... is it worth telling him ?worth loosing him?only these questions can be answered by her. good luck to you both. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): If she doesn't tell him chances are he will find out. If he leaves her because she did something prior to being in a actual relationship with him, then he isn't the one.
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