A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should my boyfriend be watching porn?I've been with my boyfriend over 4 years and we live together. I am so happy apart from the fact that he watches porn. I cant accept it and it makes me feel very insecure. Why does he have to get turned on by other women when he is in a relationship with me? To make it worse, he lies about it. He promises me that he won't watch it again and then carries on behind my back. He downloads it on our computer in our home and it makes me feel sick!!! I really don't know what to do??? It's either live with him and porn or without him??? I love him so much and would be scared of living without him! I dont know what to do! He never tries to talk about it and thinks I'm overreacting!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): I understand that most replies from women here are from a negative perspective, since I went through the same. I've lived with my bf for 4 years now, and though we were already together for 4 years, he was like a stranger to me. The first time I caught him watching porn it was totally new to me, and too much for me to bear. After many battles, and highs and lows in our sex life, it took much time for me to regroup. I pushed my personal emotions aside and decided to analyze this from an objective point of view.What I came to realize after lots of reading online and advice from both men and women, it's all a matter of biology. I know it sounds like an easy excuse, but it really is that simple. First off, it's not that men are "hard wired" to watch porn-that's just silly. No human is born with a desire to watch porn. It is merely a learned behavior. Porn is acceptable erotica in today's society, so it's only a matter of time until young men reaching puberty discover the world of sex- and ultimately porn. Most young men start out "learning" everything about sex by watching porn at a young age. In fact I've known lots of guy friends who admit they draw inspiration on being a good lover by replicating what they see in porn. Not that it helps them in bed, lol, but that's another story. My point is, it's out of your control. Even before you ever met your guy chances are he was already into porn. I'm sure the same applies to most guys, if not all. Secondly, it's helpful to see this from the motive. Why do guys watch porn anyway? Its not merely for entertainment, obviously. It's for stimulation, which sets the mood for self-pleasure. Masturbation is natural, regardless of your relationship status. When it comes to men, they are horny a lot. Remember they are equipped with frank and beans, lol. They need to release, it is actually unhealthy for a man not to ejaculate periodically. Porn is by far the best visual stimulant a man can dream of without having to do very much or even pay for- porn is free, very effortless and boy is it EVERYWHERE! Think of it as an efficient means to get off, so long as theres a healthy balance this is ok. if its substituting for the real sex life thats a problem and requires intervention. But Again, you can't prevent or control men from engaging in self-pleasure, might as well join it or accept it.Thirdly, and most importantly because this helped me a lot, never forget your sex appeal. Women are, after all, the stars of porn! It's why men flock to it because there are sluts who will act out any fantasy they want to explore. Most women in this predicament are so overwhelmed with their emotions that they forget that they too are sexy. And then forget to use their best assets. Use lingerie, dress up, play roles- remind your man why he desires you. Also, using porn to spice things up can be very fun! give it a try.Every woman has a secret fantasy. Although most porn is tailored for men, there is something for every fantasy. Explore your own and you may find porn to be a useful private outlet. I understand my bf now, after 4 years of coming to accept his secret habit, and realize I also need a release every now and then. he's not always there when I'm in the mood, and vice versa. I have my own porn stash now, and he knows it. In fact, and this was surprising...the more I let him be and explored my own needs in my private time, even he started to feel left out! Especially after I bought a nice vibrator, he was like "well hey i wanna have fun too!" Men have insecurities too, And do have issues with the whole "can-I-satisfy-my-woman" deal. Call it an ego thing, but it's true! It's not flattering to a guy when we have to masturbate to get pleasure, speaks to their abilities (or inability) to please us. Lesson learned: men love sex, and by extension, porn. And women, well, we are the reason men watch porn. Use it wisely; you're pretty much your man's personal 'porn star'. No offense to all you porn haters out there. But if you want to get his attention, don't fight it, join it. There's nothing more irresistible to a man than female seduction a'la porn starlet. Have fun and don't be afraid to explore together!
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female
reader, doppleganger +, writes (3 April 2012):
All men watch porn = FACT
If he says he will never watch it again , he's lying, don't even consider accepting that, cause he'll only be putting himself up for failure.
You personally need to understand that you are gorgeous, there is some guy thinking about you that way right now.
However knowing that it bothers you, he should respect you enough to talk it through properly. Maybe be a bit more discreet about it, and compensate by making you feel more special in other ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): I think we all have a story about our bf's watching porn and it's not just one... Men just don't understand how it makes us females feel . It's not a good feeling . It's like being called fat ! But not to our faces . :p.. I understand that men have their needs and all that bs women do too ! And it does not mean we are going to be hiding in the bathroom banging ... Porn is just the beginning then comes the sex websites .... Porn just makes you men seem desperate .. If ur watching porn behind our backs I don't even want to imagine what else you do ....
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reader, sbuxton3 +, writes (20 October 2011):
Amazing....after I catch him watching porn, he talks to ME like an idiot, as if I'm over reacting and behaving like a control freak and then he dumps ME! Because I get up, dust myself off and keep busy just getting on with my life, thanking myself for my lucky stars that I had a lucky escape... he starts to pursue me again, and he called me the control freak! Men always want what they can't have - just like porn. Porn is a fantasy, a lie - which can become just as destructive and as dangerous as an alcohol or drug addiction, the user is at risk of becoming more and more addicted and the type of porn they view can become more explicit - which often is images of women being over powered and dominated by men in degrading and painful ways - if men get turned on by this, what is there to be said about his character and the respect he has for women! Just like drink and drugs, Porn can negatively affect the lives of others associated with the person viewing it! If you think porn is OK - You try attending a Sex Addicts Anoymous meeting, a meeting for victims of sexual abuse or victims of domestic violence and listen to their stories! If any of you have any brains - the acadamic research on this topic is out there!
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reader, sbuxton3 +, writes (19 October 2011):
I arrived at my partners house with my 4 year daugther the other day to prepare dinner while he travelled home from work only to discover an xxx rated porno in his DVD player. I didn't say anything to him about it when it he arrived home because my child was present. But while I continued as normal making dinner in the kitchen he went into his living and removed the film from his DVD player and hid it! The following night while making love he couldn't maintain an erection, this is has been an on going problem since we've been together (1 year). The only time he doesn't seem to have a problem maintaining an erection is when the sex we have becomes aggressive, he has become more and more attracted to my anual area with his hands - an area which I get no pleasure from what so ever with him touching! After learning about him owning an xxx rated dvd and reflecting on our sexual contact I feel as if he's slowing trying to wean me into taking part in sexual acts I don't feel comfort with doing.Later that night after an unsuccessful attempt to make love, I confronted him about the porno. He said he put it once during the week to titilate a wank, that he didn't enjoy it, he didn't finish his wank and that it made him feel distusted with him self, that he's had it for ages, it's the only one he owns and he wished he'd thrown it in the bin ages ago. So I replied if it makes you feel distusted, why did you still drawn your curtains, set up the extention lead to your DVD Player, put the porno (which you still own) into your DVD Player and press play? If you needed a frill why didn't you just contact me, I often call upon him in times of sexual need! He couldn't answer clearly!I also told him that this has really upset and confused me, that its made me feel insercure about myself as a women with regards to being able to satisfy him sexually, I asked him was I wrong for feeling uncomfortable about it?He got all embrassed and apologised, he tried to play the situation down as if it was OK. Over the passed 3 months we had been planning to live together, we have 5 children between us and I stated that what would have happened if one our children stumbled across this film, what would they think of us, of him? He told me that I was a control freak and that I should go and find myself some boring wit who I could bully and mould into a dildo just for me!We are no longer together!
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reader, scarlet teufel  +, writes (15 July 2011):
There's really nothing wrong with it as far as I can see. He's watching someone else on a screen. It doesn't make him any less attracted to you. Men look at other women. It's true. It doesn't mean they love you any less. If you feel uncomfortable with it talk calmlu about it. Negotiate things. You can't just cut it off cold. You could even try watching it with him and seeing it from his stand point. I did that with my boyfriend and it's actually a bonding expreience. Good day to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): my boyfriend is really bad we have been together for a year now and we live together we hve a good sex life but he has a very bad porn addiction he leaves me at his mums house takes the laptop and goes away into the bathroom to watch it he also leaves me sitting in his mums room to go away and masterbate ... there has been alot of times whare we have just had sex and an hour later hes away masterbateing agien. i feel really low about this because i keep thinking im not good enough and i cant pleasure him and he keeps telling me everytime i mention it that im overeacting and its not like hes cheating on me because hes only looking but it doesnt feel like that ... i think the worst part of it is that he lies about it when the evidence is clearly there and thats just crushing my sex drive im gettin to the point where i dont like him seeing me naked anymore ... i dont know what to do can anyone help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I am so sick of hearing people say that men are just 'wired' that way! do u really think thats true?! I mean come on now! for those people who believ in God.. do u really think he made them like that! seriously! and for those who don't.. dr. Phil said it himself that this is untrue! so stop it!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): The reality ladies, that even if you prevent a man from watching porn - he has an imagination.
You have to realize we are just programmed differently, from a biological standpoint.
You as females, have hormones that make you want to hold onto a mate. We as males have hormones that makes us want to mate with as many females as possible.
Now, biology aside....culturally we accept monogamy as the appropriate way to function. Men are capable of doing that.
But understand what that means...it means that we will be faithful to one woman, that we will engage in sex with only one woman. It doesn't mean we will never look at other woman, fantasize about other woman or anything else of the sort.
It sounds like you are upset, not because of porn, but because of this idea that your man should only be attracted to you. That is just hollywood nonsense. The world does not work that way - you can't buy into all the narratives that hollywood puts out. The idea that a man will only find one woman sexual attractive is as insane as the idea that good always triumphs over evil in action films. Its a story. Stop buying into it and look at reality. The two genders are biologically different in a way that was necessary for the success of our species. Woman try to hold onto mates to procure the success of their young, and successful males try to procreate with as many females as possible.
Even if you got your man to stop looking at porn, it just means that when he masturbates, he will make up the porn in his own head.
The simple fact is that men can be faithful.
They can and a lot are - myself included.
But the reality is there is nothing you can do to stop your man from being attracted to other woman.
What you need to take solace in - if it is in fact the case - is that your man, despite his natural urges to 'sex everything that moves' loves you enough to be and stay with you. That he cares about you more than he cares about his base instincts. That he is willing to stay faithful despite temptation.
You will never find a male that will have 'eyes' for only you. Its a Hollywood and biological absurdity. People and relationships work because of bonds that are far more important than sex. If your relationship has those bonds, and if monogamy is important to you - and your mate stays faithful - his porn habits and basic nature, should be irrelevant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I am in the exact position. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and we are really really close. two nights ago, however, I caught him watching porn after I fell asleep. I am really disgusted by it. I don't necessarily believe that porn is a necessity for men. I don't believe in marriage but my boyfriend and I have made the same commitment to each other if we were to be married. So I believe that by making that commitment we are committed to eachother ONLY. Which means arousal by anyone or anything other than your partner is wrong. We have a pretty healthy sex life but after seeing the porn he was watching... I'm not sure if I can be aroused because I can't help but think about who is really on his mind. When I caught him, I didn't yell at him or try to start a fight.. I just went for a drive by myself and didn't talk to him. He sincerely apologized to me and asked me to forgive him. He said he understood that he betrayed me so I have every right to be upset. I believe in second chances but if it became an obsession, I would leave him. By being in a serious relationship, your boyfriend needs to prove his love and commitment to you.. which means giving up his other sex life (porn!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I understand all your thoughts mine is a little different. I didn't mind my boyfriend watching porn until He had it every where. On his computer laptop and phone. It started getting to much when he would talk to other guys about it and started taking his phone to the toilet with him. But we stayed together and has slowly been cutting back. Now he has a job he can't have a laptop or phone with him, it has made it easier for him not to do it any longer. But the trust has been broken he hasn't done anything for 4months in front of me but not sure what he dose behind my back
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reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Looking at porn is a man being selfish and satisfying HIS needs. Some women are ok with it and some aren't. When he does it behind your back and tells you you're overreacting, he is being insensitive. If he said he would stop but he's still doing it I am sorry to say it but he will most likely never stop. You have to decide how you want to handle this. I would talk to him about it again, don't be mean though ok? Don't yell or act out, just talk. If he wants to turn it into an argument, tell him the discussion is over. He is already showing that your feelings aren't as important as his so don't let him make you feel worse. If you have to, walk away form the relationship. You should be number one in your life right now, no matter how much you love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): hey girl i noe what u mean ive been going thought that with my man and i drives me insain he promest me he would stop watchen it then a couple moths later he told me last night that he has been watchen it the hole time i dkn what to do ne more i feel like i am nothing to him and its hurst cuz he dont even wanna try and work it out cuz he this theres nothing wrong with it but i makes me feel like i should just leave him cuz it seems he love the porn more then his oun girlfriend
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): i completely agree with you. i, too, am having this same problem. porn is unhealthy in a relationship & should not be watched. if your guy really cares for you, then he'll stop upon request. but if you have to ask more than once but yet he feels the need to continue to watch it, then scare him. that is the approach i am trying with my man, now. i love him to death but i am not accepting that filth in our relationship so i told him we cant talk anymore until he figures out what is important in is life - porn or being with me. & if we're meant to be, we will be. also , we have a baby on the way and i refuse to have that around my child when he / she gets here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): You women disgust me. MEN DO NOT NEED PORN. What you are all saying is that you are okay that your boyfriends and husbands love porn more than you. If you asked them to stop they would rather divorce you than give it up.
Men are selfish and you all are enablers. If you want your guy to have eyes only for you, then tell him that. If he sneaks around and lies about it after you were honest with him then that is more proof that he doesn't really care about honesty and trust. He's going to do it anyway even when he knows it will destroy the relationship.
If women across the country would just make a stand (and advertise to other women) to sign a petition to ban pornography then we won't have to feel like this. We could make it so that men are loyal to their women, and women are loyal their their men. If we keep letting them watch other women then women really are just tools.
My advice to you is to tell your guy that you feel like he's cheating because he's choosing other women over you. Tell him that if he's cheating you're going to cheat and he's not going to like it. You could even tell him that you're going to make pornos because you want somebody to want you, even if he doesn't. Give him a chance to think it over. Chances are he will feel jealous and when he does you can tell him matter of factly, "Now you finally know how I feel!!!!"
Make your man respect you. You're obviously not comfortable with porn like many women. Porn is boring next to loving your partner. If you only want him because you're in love then he should respect that devotion and try to rise up and be devoted to you as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I think every woman in a relationship with a man is confronted with this at some point. I understand all that stuff how men and women are different, and he likes to do it because of fantasies or whatever. I get that, we all have fantasies. Personally, my issue with my boyfriend watching porn is a little different than having feelings of jealosy or feeling insecure about myself; I mean, the chicks in the porn aren't always that cute. She's having sex for money. As is the man she's screwing. My issue has to do with it being a turnoff for me. I love sex, especially with my boyfriend, but to watch people doing it, it's not always that hot of a scene for me. And sometimes its even kind of funny. So, when the occasion arises, I myself will indulge in porn, sometimes with my man, sometimes without, but if I accidentally walk in on him watching porn, my mental picture has him holding himself, in the background I hear bad porn music and fake moans, its just not sexy! It's the opposite of sexy. That's where men and women different. My boyfriend told me if he caught me watching porn, he'd jump in.
Try to get over it, girl. In most cases men watching porn is not that serious to cause jealosy or insecurities in you; they are the sexual freaks. To me, a guy who doesn't watch porn is more weird than a guy who does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): The problem is everyone is comparing men to women... Lol we're sooo different. It's true all men watch porn at some level and I mean all men. Wheather it be a picture or video. There's nothing wrong with them watching it NOTHING as long as is doesn't effect your sex life in a negative light. I dated a guy for 5 years he would watch it on the side hide it from me very very well, but I knew something was up with him he'd always want to do all this werid stuff and demoralize me with sex. He was my first boyfriend and first sexual experience, so I knew no better. I had a buddy of mine who was a computer programer and he roughy me how to search my then boyfriends computer. What I found was very alarming women getting raped and forced sex all the porn included women being smacked around. Those are the porns that I think you should draw concern from, but not regular porn. Yes women don't act out an orgasim in them, but I know they have them the idea of these porns is for it to be centerd around the man, because it's for a MAN lol there are so many this way, because it's alot of men buy it supply and demand.
It took me a while year of dating the guy I'm dating now to understand why am I punishing him lol His porn was great just normal porn. It's normal for men to have these fantasies it's their nature. Yes I wish men and women where the same, but it's just not the case. Don't let the porn hurt your feeling, unless it's directly affecting the way you have sex with one another. Back in the day men would just get a hooker and pound them to meet their needs I'm so thankful porn is somthing that's private and doesn't take another women to please the desire. We are lucky that men have found a new way to get out these feeling or we'd be alot sadder trust me. Like one of the other ladies wrote they all do it, so if you really love him accept him for all that he is. I've never never met a man that doesn't watch it a little on the side. My mom said it dies down when they get older anyway men are so full of raging hormones it's in their DNA to have multiple partner and to get their seed out as much as they can. Just human nature. I'm thankful men have come as far as they have in have one partner when there brain fights it lol if you don't like it make your own video. I do a new video every month for him switch it up I take about 20 pictures every week and email him them. After all we are what's real what they get to touch just make sex his fantacy and the porn useage will go down. It's always going to be there with every funtioning man. Takes time just learn to make it work for you I have. I'll watch the porn with him and it make me feel less hurt when he then uses it later on for his own time. I know it hard for us women to accept, but it not bad we have great men at home don't be to hard on him. If you don't like it then ask him to be better about keeping it pit of your sight, but trust me since I've come to turms I feel way better about it.
I'm a hairdresser, so I have some male clients that I've trusted enough to have these issue come up and they all say the same thing. It has nothing to do with me! They all admit to porn all of them all different ages, some married some dating and so on. Basically what I'm trying to say is if the girls aren't being demoralized then don't worry;) I think to myself I'll worry if the videos are unhealthy desires like kids, rape, hitting and animals. If not indulge when you like.
Trust me he doesn't love you less men are just very very visual and when they have sex they don't see it like they can on video. Don't take it personal it's just a quick gradification and nothing more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): So I have also caught my dude watching porn, when I'm sleeping. Everyone in his family is pro porn. I was not raised that way!!! It is very hard to just say ok. I mean I have already told him if he can get me a boob job that he can do whatever he wants. Same as going to the stripclub. Why must he feel he needs to go? this makes me want to become a dirty person so I guess I could get revenge. I'm not an ugly person, I am very attractive, I would like to try being a stripper some time. I just feel very insecure. He tells me I'm good the way I look that I don't need to get surgery. But tell me why he can't stop drueling when girls with larger breasts come on. He even waits until I go to work to watch movies with a lot of nudity. And then when I come home he wants to have sex. It is so annoying you would think he wouldn't have to watch things like that to turn him on. That does not make me feel SEXY. Sometimes I want to leave him for someone that will respect my "no porn" policy. I mean we have a daughter and a baby on the way. I don't want my kids around that stuff!!!
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reader, caution_i_bite99  +, writes (24 January 2010):
I experienced this for the third time this morning and i had had enough. It makes me feel exactly how you described, it nice to know im not the only one out there that feels like this. I packed my bags and tried to leave but my boyfriend begged me to stay. It took alot for me to stay with him, after he had promised me (the second time i court him) that he would never do it again. It felt like a betrayal of my trust. He has promised to allow me to put a password on his cellphone so he cannot access the internet and i will set up a programme on the computer where he cannot access porn websites without the password. I feel you should do this, even without his permission, if he asks why is there a password, you will know that he has been trying to get on porn websites and its not right. If he loves you, he should respect what it means to you. Im also thinking about taking some 'sexual' photos of myself so he can look at them, if needed. You may not be comfortable with doing that but its just an idea! Good luck
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reader, xthawunnonlyx +, writes (2 November 2009):
I am currently going through this. I found this sight by typing into google, how to get your boyfriend to stop looking at porn. We've been dateing 8 months and 5 of the 8 months hes been lieing to me about it. He swore he wouldn't look at it. Like so many other girls I cryed my eyes out and told him how i felt. Men are pigs. There are women on here saying this is normal. Well it's not, any women with self respect can see that. My dad never disrepected my mother in this way and I don't diserve it. it is a form of cheating and is hurtful. I am not insacure in the least and know there are pleanty of men begging to sleep with me. yes i masterbate but it's to the thought of my other half. That's all I'm asking for in return. I love him to pieces and am starting a family with him very soon. I find it silly that instead of focusing on our family and his reponsiblities he's buisy sneeking behing my back and touching himself to sluts. Last week he barely touched me and usually its a constant fight to get his hands off of me. That thursday I whent through his computer and saw atleast 12 porn sighnts when I asked him about it he got quit and said he didn't understand why that was there. It took everything in me not to beat the living shit out of him. I was hurt and this was not the very first time. He had said that porn was not that important to him and he would stop that I meant everything to him and it wasn't worth loseing me over. when i saw what was in that screan it made me sick to my stomach. i didn't want him to touch me or to even be near me. to know that he thought that little of me. A few days earlier he asked me if I would ever let him cum in my face. I said no, thats slutty and the type of things you see in pornos. I Love my boyfriend verymuch and have given up alot just to be with with him. But i would never compromise my morals for a man. With him I basically have no choice were haveing a baby in 3 months and he has put up with alot of my shit, I will admitt. I stayed with him even though my head was sreaming at me not too, I'm litterly heart broken, I fall asleep crying and awake crying. It's all I can think about. i fell I am the only one that should please him in that way. He's very jeliouse of other men because I get apporached all the time, even at 6 months into my pregnancy. I'm at a loss of what to do so I took his laptop, we don't live together yet, but the day i catch him doing this shit to me again, he will be out on his ass, all by himself and I hope he gets used to the thought of me being with another man, cas I don't diserve this. I am a princess and should be trated like one. As for an answere, I don't have one,had it not been for him saveing me 8 months ago I wouldnt be who i am. But i was prepared to live withought him cas theres no way in hell i'm going to compete ith a computer screan. Do what you think is right.
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reader, SeriouslyStephanie +, writes (9 August 2009):
 Seriously, you women need to chill out. I am a female and I am in a long term relationship with a lovely man and we have a great sex life. However, sometimes men need to watch porn - its just a fact they all do it and it does NOT MEAN THEY ARE BEING UNFAITHFUL. People can look at other women and have thoughts as long as they are not touching them. Watching women have sex is NOT CHEATING it is simply watching them act. Just like if you have ever masturbated and dont tell me you dont do it because the majority of women who masturbate will at one point in their life, be it even subconscioiusly, thought about something that isnt to do with there other half. So IT IS NOT BEING UNFAITHFUL TO WATCH A BIT OF PORN it is just human nature and fantasy. Men like to be perverts, its in there nature there not abnormal so give them a brake!!
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female
reader, ladii_cash +, writes (19 July 2009):
I know how you feel. I was going through the exact same thing.
I did live with my other half too and loved him more than anything but what makes it worse is that he used to use the the sky box to wach porn and my mum has to pay for it coz it was her house...
Anyway what id say to do is if you are really feeling so bad change the passwords on the t.v if thats how he is waching it. But try to talk to him tell him how it makes you feel. If he seems like he doesn't care then throw him out. I did. I feel better for it now.
good luck
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female
reader, heatherallen2 +, writes (14 February 2009):
Well first off I want to say I completely understand where you are coming from and feeling. Me and my boyfriend were having these issues for the past few months. I had just had my 3rd son and was feeling very self-concious. We had had a conversation about porn bothering me a few months back and he said he understood and would not do it anymore. So, I trusted him and well lets just say about a week ago or so, I logged onto the computer and he forgot to exit out of the site and left it on lol... I confronted him when he got home and he denied denied denied even when I had PROOF! lol... the next day, he denied again like 45 times and it wasn't even the fact that it was the porn factor more less the that he had to lie to me behind my back. I tried to explain how much it hurt me and he said well if you don't like it then move out. So,, the stubborn, hardheaded person that I am I packed all of my stuff, my boys' stuff... I mean EVERYTHING and moved out within 2 hours before he got home from work just to prove to him how much that it hurt that not only did he get turned on by other women but how much it hurt that he LIED to me!!!! So, I broke up with him thinking that I could neverrrrrrr deal with this issue and that I didn't want to feel like I wasn't good enough anymore. After a few days, we started talking again about things and he started to do some thinking and said he was sorry and blah blah blah which I had heard for the 344 time! I ended up thinking about why he lied to me and it came clear to me that it wasn't because he wanted to but he didn't want to hurt me. I let him know that I understood and I told him that I thought we could come to a understanding.... which was, he watches other women and gets off from it then I am going to watch other men and women and get off by it. Eye for an Eye. Lets just say that giving him the idea of me watching porn and getting off by watching someone else sank in finally. He then told me that he didn't want to have porn in his life anymore. lol... how convenient huh???? after I told him I was going to watch it without him hmmmmmmmm....... to make a long story short, he doesn't want me to watch it without him so in turn he don't watch it without him. After coming to a realization that I was being a selfish you know what I then told him that after doing some research and thinking that I realized that it is human nature and EVERY guy does it and most percent of women also. I don't want to be the "pot calling the kettle black" I enjoy watching women on women, men on women and even watching women alone. This does not make me a lesbian but just a human that has fantasies and desires. Like any other human being! So now, me and him agreed that since he knows that I am going to watch it also, me or him can't get mad at each other over this stupid childish stuff anymore. He has fantasies, I have fantasies, and EVERYONE in the entire world has fantasies wether they want to admit it or not they DO. Now me and him have started all over again and fell in love all over again because we both understand each others needs. He needs porn for his fantasies, and he wants to learn ways to please me also and I have the same reasons for watching porn. Even though I still have a bit of a problem with the jealousy part... I learned that I have to work on loving myself and not being self concious anymore and when I overcome that, we both know that our love lives will be better every day! Try doing this with your man, it might work it might not but most likely he will get a taste of his own medicine and you will start to get a point across to him and then you can start to work on understanding him and loving yourself. Just remember... if you love this guy don't let porn destroy your relationship because the next guy and the next and the next will have the same problems... all men watch porn and you WILL be back to square one and you will have already burnt your bridges with which could be the best thing that will ever happen to you. I know that its hard to let this not bother you but try watching porn yourself its kinda is relaxing and it does let off steem when needed. I use to think it was because he wasn't into me or I wasn't doing my job but I came to understand that it has nothing to do with me in his eyes it was just me not loving myself and being self consious. Good luck and make sure that you try to look at both sides of this issue before making a decision that could determine the rest of your life. Best of LuckHA
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reader, Lyne +, writes (12 January 2009):
Hi,
I had exactly the same problem. My boyfriend who live with would watch porn and try and hide it, but sometimes I would see things saved that he forgot to delete in my documents or whatever so I would see it and it would make me feel so sick to imagine him masturbating over it. I was really depressed for ages but tried to hide it from him so he wouldn't leave me. I told him how it made me feel but he didn't understand/didn't want to, so when he did it he wouldn't feel bad.
To upset him I tried pretending to him (when it was appropriate)that I looked at pictures of other guys and touched myself, and said other stuff about thinking about other men, and that seemed to hit home a little, and he kind of understood my pain a little. (I would recommend what the guy posted on 20th sept if all else fails!! - I would do that!)
After talking about it some more, he came to realise finally that him having orgasms over other women and wanting them etc was like cheating. This only came about after I explained to him those feelings related to him going to a strip club and then how it was almost the same as the porn. Anyway, he did go to the strip club briefly, lied about it, watched porn some more, but this time he felt really bad about it.
When I found out I was really upset, and told him how it makes me feel he is unfaithful, and that it makes me not want him and defiantly not want him physically. I felt like it was me being weird but he knew I was right and he should be faithful to me and he wouldn't like me to do the same to him.
I didn't trust him at all, as he had promised not to do it and then would, knowing it would hurt me so much and that I cry myself to sleep etc. I believe that he hasn't done it since, and I think he doesn't want to and is trying to be strong.
Once you can get to this stage, you just need to really believe him and try to gain trust for him, even if he breaks it again. You need to put the past behind you and forget about it. I am prepared for it to happen again, but I can't just worry and be miserable all the time, I just have to love how I want to and be happy that things will be fine. He knows that if he does I will make him feel the pain I feel because it will hurt me so much and break my trust, and that I will watch porn for girls/cheat on him, to let him no exactly how it feels as I just won't care anymore.
I think I am still upset about it really, sometimes I just can't get it out of my head, but usually I am totally fine. You just have to try and hold it together and in time it fades, maybe tell him when you are thinking about it sometimes.
Even though my boyfriend loves me for who I am, I look in the mirror and I feel fat and ugly even though I'm not I'm just normal, and I want to be skinny and like the girls he is so attracted and masturbates over online. I think he knows that he has messed me up, and that I have horrible images and am insecure, as I used to be pretty confident, and it has taken that much for him to stop.
So if you are prepared to be hurt stick with it and it will get better, if not, find someone nice who you can have a proper relationship with.
Anyway hope that helps, I think just show him how upset/cheated on you feel and make him understand how it would feel if you were unfaithful to him, and that it’s not just that you are jealous or whatever.
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reader, Lyne +, writes (12 January 2009):
Hi,
I had exactly the same problem. My boyfriend who live with would watch porn and try and hide it, but sometimes I would see things saved that he forgot to delete in my documents or whatever so I would see it and it would make me feel so sick to immagine him masturbating over it. I was really depressed for ages but tried to hide it from him so he wouldn't leave me. I told him how it made me feel but he didn't understand/didn't want to, so when he did it he wouldn't feel bad.
To upset him I tried pretending to him (when it was appropriate)that I looked at pictures of other guys and touched myself, and said other stuff about thinking about other men, and that seemed to hit home a little, and he kind of understood my pain a little. (I would reccomend what the guy posted on 20th sept if all else fails!! - I would do that!)
After talking about it some more, he came to realise finally that him having orgasms over other women and wanting them etc was like cheating. This only came about after I explained to him those feelings related to him going to a strip club and then how it was almost the same as the porn. Anyway, he did go to the strip club breifly, lied about it, watched porn some more, but this time he felt really bad about it.
When I found out I was really upset, and told him how it makes me feel he is unfaithful, and that it makes me not want him and definatly not want him pysically. I felt like it was me being wierd but he knew I was right and he should be faithful to me and he wouldn't like me to do the same to him.
I didn't trust him at all, as he had promised not to do it and then would, knowing it would hurt me so much and that I cry myself to sleep etc. I beleive that he hasn't done it since, and I think he doesn't want to and is trying to be strong.
Once you can get to this stage, you just need to really beleive him and try to gain trust for him, even if he breaks it again. You need to put the past behind you and forget about it. I am prepared for it to happen again, but I can't just worry and be miserable all the time, I just have to love how I want to and be happy that things will be fine. He knows that if he does I will make him feel the pain I feel because it will hurt me so much and break my trust, and that I will watch porn for girls/cheat on him, to let him no exactly how it feels as I just won't care anymore.
I think I am still upset about it really, somtimes I just can't get it out of my head, but usually I am totally fine. You just have to try and hold it together and in time it fades, maybe tell him when you are thinking about it sometimes.
Even though my boyfreind loves me for who I am, I look in the mirror and I feel fat and ugly even though I'm not I'm just normal, and I want to be skinny and like the girls he is so attracted and masturbates over online. I think he knows that he has messed me up, and that I have horrible images and am insecure, as I used to be pretty confident, and it has taken that much for him to stop.
So if you are prepared to be hurt stick with it and it will get better, if not, find someone nice who you can have a proper relationship with.
Anyway hope that helps, I think just show him how upset/cheated on you feel and make him understand how it would feel if you were unfaithful to him, and that its not just that you are jelous or whatever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): OH MY GOD--- our life is exactly the same. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and living together for 1 year and he does the same exact thing.... I feel sick everytime hes on the computer. Please let me know if you have any advise because i am scarred for our relationship--- i dont know how much longer i can live like this.
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reader, IGetIt +, writes (21 November 2008):
Wow. I can't believe all the anger hiding behind so-called logical responses here that are not helping the original poster. And how so many of you assume that if a woman is hurt by her partner's porn, then she's the one with the problem--she's insecure, feels bad about herself, etc. As if her guy repeatedly being turned on and having orgasms to other women is something she could possibly feel neutral about. And there's an awful lot of hounding about controlling women. Look, of course men and women can state what they can and can't take in a relationship. Of course, secrecy is wrong. And, yes, people make judgements all the time--it's normal when you feel a violation of your values.The point is the poster is in a lot of pain, and she is for a reason. This pain is so ubiquitous and so deep, you just can't intellectualize your way out of it.To the original poster, you say you are scared of living without him. Please, please see a counselor. You're way too young to be afraid of living without someone. Please deal with these feelings, as well as to your pain over his porn usage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Sorry, that was long, I do talk-talk a lot, but I suppose you hit a nerve on a subject that is close to my heart.. Sorry everyone...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Damn, I nearly missed your response there...
OK, so you didn't understand me, so I will write more clearly and dump all the jargon. The two quotes I used are more than interesting they are at the very heart of the study of sociology. You claim that you can study things from a neutral viewpoint and use it as evidence to back up what you say. This is not true. If you are studying "gender" then you have already made some type of choice, you have identified gender as something real and tangible rather than something agreed and negotiated by society. Gender is social construct, biology is not. (baring transsexuals, transvestites and hamaphrodites)
"Like medicine and other 'scientific' areas sociology is a science based discipline. The quotes provided in response to what I have written do not make sense in the context of what I was writing." Ms anonymous studying gender.....
If you didn't understand these classic quotes from the early days of sociology then you have no idea about what Sociology or Gender studies means as a "science based discipline".... You need to become more familiar with Karl Marx and Max Weber who discussed what Sociology as a science really means.
Sociology can not claim to be totally objective, because it is the study of humans in society by other humans. Social scientist have no laboratory and find it difficult to remove themselves from the taint of "researcher bias". There are many feminist studies that acknowledge this, and therefore many women sociologist admit that they are biased and throw away the "scientific tag". The fact that you narrow down your study to gender and look at the role of women's oppression shows that your agenda is very narrow, and it is not society you are studying, but an imbalance of power that you wish to put right. In this case you are not using Sociology as a science, you are using it as a political tool, a way to change society in the way that you prefer. All this is basic Sociological stuff that you should have learnt in the first year of school.
Of course gender studies have been brilliant at highlighting some of the issues and oppressions that women face. They have also highlighted the problem with male studies including "womankind" but always talking about "mankind". But again I suggest that time has now moved on. Gender studies is a 1970's construct and was most popular during the high point of the feminist movement. We no longer ask questions about why girls don't do well at school, because they do and in the UK are rapidly overtaking boys. The question has now turned to why certain boys don't do well at school, and class, culture or race is now a valid point of analysis rather than just than gender.
Gender is a social construct in many, many ways. A woman used to be thought of as delicate and useless, not a term we use now in the 20th century since women politicians like Margaret Thatcher (UK), Hilary Clinton (USA), Pratibha Patil (India), Benazir Bhutto (Pakistan) amongst others have all managed to gain and maintain power.
"The problem for this women is that her boyfriend continues to watch pornography despite her apparent objection to it."
Aren't we all born equal, man and woman both. Is it fair for one partner in a relationship to make demands over what another partner dose with his hands and eyes. If the situation were reversed and it was the man asking a woman to stop doing something, would you not shout out oppression and say that he should not control what a woman dose. Why should a woman feel inadequate by what a man is thinking, isn't this a dependency on men. Why do women still need to look to men to feel validated in society. Wasn't the feminist movement supposed to stop all of this. Why are we still feeling hurt and upset over another woman's beauty, are we all sisters under the skin. Don't we women wish to be valued for more than our body or our beauty.
To tell the truth it would hurt me more if a man called me stupid than if a man called me ugly, because I recognize that beauty is skin deep and will eventually age and shrivel. You say that the pro-pornography feminist are in the minority, well maybe so, or maybe not. Pornography is very difficult to study because it remains an area like most sexual studies that is private and hidden. However I know for a fact that pornography is becoming more mainstream in the UK, and women are at the forefront of this, opening sex shops and selling objects to satisfy women rather than men.
"the point is that the sexuality portrayed in porn and popular culture pertaining to women (femininity) is male centered"
This statement is very true, but I have no idea why women put the emphasis on the problem of porn when women's magazines do the same thing. Fashion magazines are made for women by women, so why is every single model inside them slim and beautiful. Men don't look at women's magazines, but yet they use the "ideal type of beauty" that men enjoy. Why criticize pornography, whilst ignoring the dangers of women's literature and magazines. Why are all the models slim when the average woman is triple their size. Is your gender studies truly scientific or is it there just to make a political point.
If you are with a partner and you don't like his habits, then leave him and stay single or find someone else you prefer. To me this is true female liberation, not trying to change people or force them to be what you want. Marriage was once seen as a prison for women, why do I get the feeling that increasingly it is becoming a prison for men. Perhaps that is why there are so many single women in the UK, Italy and other European countries dying to get married to men who are quiet happily single and see no benefits to marriage or relationships at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Sociology is the study of society at a basic level. Sociologists are therefore interested in all areas pertaining to any given society; for decades it was dominated by men and for this reason feminist sociologists have provided (at times) an alternative way of looking at the way in which society functions and what it might mean. Like medicine and other 'scientific' areas sociology is a science based discipline. The quotes provided in response to what I have written do not make sense in the context of what I was writing. Though they were very interesting.The problem for this women is that her boyfriend continues to watch pornography despite her apparent objection to it. The viewing of pornography when one is in a relationship can be a very serious issue particularly for women (as women tend to watch less porn than men). If this man is not going to stop watching something that is clearly in most respects degrading to women and in her in her personal situation hurtful to her then frankly he does not deserve her. At the end of the day however he is more than just his porn viewing so I guess she needs to decide how big a deal this is when she compares it to all of the other loving and not so loving things that he does.In regards to the feminists who support current depictions of porn quite frankly they have a very weak arguement. No one is suggesting that women should not explore and indeed celebrate their sexuality however the point is that the sexuality portrayed in porn and popular culture pertaining to women (femininity) is male centered. In other words it is a sexuality aimed at pleasing men. This is why it is not worthy of being viewed as something that is liberating towards women. As I said women's liberation is partly contingent on more diversity of women's lives (not just sexuality) in our society.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Sorry poster, Fade is right. This intellectual discussion has taken us off the point and doesn't really help you with your problem. The thing is for your guy, it's you that has the problem and not him, he can't see that anything is wrong with him.
"That it does come down to morals, standards, beliefs about what a loving, giving, sharing dynamic entails"
Do not compromise your beliefs, do not stay in a relationship that hurts. If you can't accept his pornography use, and he won't give up. The only other option is to leave him and find somebody else. You can't change others, you can only change yourself. Many other women have taken this important step, and they have found guys who do not feel the need to look at pornography at all.. There are guys who dislike or can safely ignore pornography. Explain this to your guy, and if he can't or won't give up, then you must leave him and find somebody more suitable for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): * that should be "vehicle" ... sorry if my spelling makes it difficult to understand me..
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): In response to Ms anonymous 24th October....
"women's studies are required to restore the gender in balance within the sociological field." Ms anonymous
Very intresting comment honeypie.. reminds me of my Max... Is sociology a science or is it a vechile to transform society.. Basic sociolgogical question, you must agree. Two very intresting positions on this, which have never been better outlined than in the classic texts.
"The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways. The point, however, is to change it."... "Theses on Feuerbach" Karl Marx(1845)
"But the true teacher will beware of imposing from the platform any political position upon the student, whether it is expressed or suggested." Science as a vocation, Max Weber (1918)
However, I'm sure you have much more up to date knowledge than me, I'm still stuck in the classics, and I haven't updated myself on the local fashions that sociology has twisted itself into. Gender studies are important area, and the examination of the purpose and role of Gender studies is also historically contingent and worthy of study too. Feminist thought is a flowing and changing thing.. as far as I know, in this post modernist world we have moved on from the simply dichotomy of woman good, man is bad....
"he obviously has very little respect for you and women in general" Ms anonymous
Babes.. be very carefully about judging less ye be judged. I may not have your current knowledge but I still know a value, morally driven statement when I see one... Nothing as clear cut and "obvious" as you want to make it....
However, I totally agree with your overall argument... We need better pornography and erotica, the industry needs a complete overhaul, what we have now is a reflection of the society in which we live. Pornography at the moment lets down everyone, the people who find it entertaining and the people who are working in it. There is sometimes little erotica about it, the industry has definitely degraded since it's golden period in the 1970's, when there were plans to turn it into a mainstream art form and give it a more dignified place in society... We can definitely agree on that.
From what I have read recently there are a whole bunch of feminist who are supportive and pro-pornography. Their position is similar to mine. Women's sexuality has been repressed for centuries, the anti-porn movement would put us backwards in time to a place where sexuality meant fun only for men. This is my own personal opinion however, and I know it may be controversial to many of both sexes....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): I think people are missing the point here in regards to pornography. I don't personally have an objection to consenting adults having sex. However the problem I have with pornography is that it doesn't show the variety of sexualities that exist in our society but rather it portrays women as objects of male desire.
The person who is studying sociology displays a lack of understanding for the subject. Gender as most sociologists would agree is a critical area of study for sociologists and certainly women's studies are required to restore the gender in balance within the sociological field.
Porn including main stream porn displays women in various sexual positions gratifying men's sexual desires. There is an over abundance of men ejaculating and in fact this 'money shot' is an important ingredient to pornography. In contrast women rarely orgasm in pornography. If you don't agree a recent study by two Australian academics actually found that in the top fifty pornographic movies watched women orgasmed less than 10% of the time. Secondly and not necessarily related to this particular book ('The Porn Report') the images of women in these movies are unrealistic. For the most part women in the industry are not treated well, are often abused and looked down upon.
Men and women for that matter who view pornography are exposed to unrealistic and often degrading images and it is for this reason that I have an issue with it.
If your boyfriend continues to watch pornography despite these arguments being made to him I can only say that he obviously has very little respect for you and women in general. Someone who respects women in all their shapes, forms, abilities etc wouldn't watch this sort of stuff.
And for those who may think I'm talking censorship; think again; I say what we need is MORE porn not less. More porn that shows women and men enjoying themselves and breaks those stupid degrading stereotypes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): hi i just wanna say i feel exactly the same way as the writeer of this... i recently broke up with my bf coz i couldnt handle the porn and lieing about it anymore. i was releived to read so many people feel the same way as us as my ex bf says i am over reacting and no other girl would be like this and i am too naiive and its just a guy thing and i just wanna say thankyou for writing this as i feel exactly the same way and thought i was stupid to feel like this... I know that it is not physically cheating but porn is basically cheating in ur head and i think if you are no happy with this you shouldnt have to put up with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Diovan, it is Traci Lords who you are referring to who lied about her age to get into porn and she was one of the leading actresses in porn in her day.
I see that the female anon continues to spread her hateful, exaggerated and lying propaganda against porn. Show us where it is documented that porn has destroyed the lives of millions of men. Perhaps the lives of hundreds of thousands of men have been destroyed – not by porn, but by hateful, propaganda spreading and controlling women like the ever-present female anon and her insecure brigade.
Unlike the female anon, DiovanLestat takes an open minded and intelligent attitude toward the feelings and problems encountered in life. She has her opinions and is willing to change them if someone makes an intelligent argument to the contrary. I have seen this in what she has written on this board and in some of my discussions with her. She is well informed, not by lies and one-sided propaganda, but by the best and most accurate information that she can find. She doesn’t purposely look for agenda driven articles and supposed facts to make her point, but by a consensus of opinions and interpretations of the facts available. This is what reasonable and intelligent people do, not spending their life looking for agenda driven books or articles to make their one point. She answers questions on a multitude of problems posted on this board, with great thought being given to each one. She is not afraid to show her identity, as you are Ms. Anon, even though all of us are anonymous to an extent. People who continue to stay anonymous, even though they have been present for many months normally do so because they are ashamed and insecure and are afraid to admit their shortcomings and faults.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): PS: If you studied the history of the modern pornography industry you would know that a very famous case made the whole industry clean up it's act regarding it's underage stars. In that case the young girl entered the industry of her own accord, faked her id and lied about her age. There was no compulsion, no force and no definitely no encouragement to enter the industry. It was only many years later when she was already a big superstar that the whole story came out, and if I remember many people within the industry had to face the courts.... Since that time there are very strict rules and regulations around age limits, disease preventions and a pile of other things. If I remember the name of the actress of course I will post it here... In Britain, and in many other places in the world, like other industries the sex industry has strict employment laws and has been unionised. It's the underground stuff (driven there by the anti-porn brigade) that is the most dangerous thing of all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I can't believe the silly response by the anonymous female to DiovanLestat's answer!
I'd like to know how millions of men have had their lives ruined by porn. I'd like to know in which way this ruination took place. I don't think my life has been ruined for a start! I'd like to know where she gets these 'statistics' about 95% of porn actresses being abused in their formative years. Of course, they never do it for the money do they? NOT!! (they DO get paid significantly more than the men, by the way). I guess anonymous has never watched the Jerry Springer show, and I certainly doubt she's looked at any porn films - especially the out-takes. If those women aren't having some fun then my cock's a kipper.
As for her statement: 'I know this because I have studied gender issues and understand that porn is not just about sex , it is about gender, power imbalances, abuse and dehumanisation...' One word - 'claptrap' - apart from the 'gender' bit. It's all about gender isn't it?
Figures plucked out of thin air don't make statistics.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Ms anonymous you still don't get it do you. It's not the porn that spoils men's lives, it's women who try to control and browbeat men and insult them and try to take over their lives. You don't like porn, well that's good for you. But your not God, you have no right to tell people what to do. Get over yourself, leave people to enjoy a hobby that is legal, entertaining and fun.
If your sexuality and your self esteem issues are wrapped up in somebody else, you have much bigger problems than porn. What if your guy dies, what if he runs away with someone else, will you stop having sex and curl up and die. That's somebody who is too dependent on other people and needs a good dose of learning about how to love and respect themselves. Men don't damage self-esteem, porn doesn’t damage self-esteem, but women do that all on their own. Haven't you heard of the "feminist revolution" baby? It's the 21st century, your allowed to love yourself, your allowed to be proud of yourself, why are you so dependent on a man to give you validation in life. Work on your issues, stop trying to change people and start trying to change yourself and the negative self-image you have.
There are very valid reason to find porn disgusting, or to hate it and the exploitation that it sometimes carries within the industry. But "I hate porn because it makes me feel bad" is no reason at all. I hate people with more money than brains, shall I also feel insecure... NO way honeypie, I've got better things to do with my time.
Unless you work within the sex industry my dear, you are quoting hearsay.. I'd quote back at you the same evidence that points to how many doctors, policemen or military men find their lives ruined by their jobs.... blah, blah, blah... I don't get the impression you care about the workers in the sex industry, cause if you did, you wouldn't continue your mission to make them all unemployed... Yes they have problems, just like the rest of us. But they don't sit around complaining about it. They get themself a perfectly respectful and legal job, which gives pleasure and education to millions of people all over the world... What are you doing to help people, except to control what they look at and what they read?
You call me silly, well that I find offensive, so coming right back at you... You are stupid if you think your campaign to remove porn from the world will ever work.
Babes, I have done research and continue to research all the information around all areas of sexuality. I concur with understanding prevalent in many European countries. Porn is better than making people feel guilty about sex. People have sexual interests and desires, and we live in a much better times than the "golden past" where women were told to “lie back and think of England", when rape was common in marriage and divorce or independent living without a man was forbidden. I think I'll stick to the 21st century porn filled world if you don't mind.
Millions of men are ruined not through a lack of self-esteem, but a bloody women's spending habits, shoes and clothes shopping to increase a woman's self-esteem is far more expensive than porn. Far more marriages fail due to money problems than to having a problem with looking at porn.
You've studied gender issues, well woppie so have I.. actually my major subject is sociology, covers a greater area, rather than narrowing things down and leaving some people out.. You quote research.. Well let's not get into that. But if you’re a social scientist, you should know all about self selection, interview bias, and value freedom... Yes there is exploitation in the industry, but how do you become part of the solution for these girls who have been abused. Take your head out the books, go and take a walk, read what sex workers actually say, find out how they see their life. You make them into victims, what about trying to empower women for a change. Prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world, but people like you want to degrade it and make these girls feel ashamed. Pornography, erotica are as old as the hills, and it's a woman dominated industry. Start thinking about helping these women to gain respect in their communities and stop trying to tear them down....
"Most women know that porn is INSTINCTIVELY WRONG"..(moral judgement without any evidence).... Get off your high horse and go and tell that to people living in Sweden, the Netherlands or Amsterdam who have a much more healthy understanding about sexuality and porn and therefore have a lower incidence of teenage pregnancies, and better child support for mothers across the board. Look at their societies and see how often they come top of the class in international scores, then come back and tell me that millions of women in their society who enjoy watching porn with their partners are wrong...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I realise that many pro porn people may feel its all about sex but read the article below....do these women deserve nothing????no empathy??? is it right for us to be a part of this industry????I honestly dont see how anyone could find it exciting to see these women make such sad choices....
https://againstpornography.org/justaprude_.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I cant believe the silly response below comparing porn to women shopping or whatever....the day that diovonlester shows me how shopping or reading romance novels has destroyed the lives of millions of men then Ill believe there is a comparison....the day that diovonl shows the many many posts from men whos self esteem , and sexuality is affected by their wives shopping for shoes or wathcing a chick flick...Ill beleieve it...
I know many porn users would like to believe the lies of the porn industry that their actresses are making informed decisions but in reality that is SOOO false
Many (and I really do mean many ) of the "women " in porn have made the decision to be in porn after a childhood of sexual abuse...the stats are there ...over 95% were abused...this is NOT the case with male porn stars....these women, most of whom were abused (and lets face it many cannot be garanteed to even be legally adults....no man really knows that every one of them is over 18)make a decision to be in porn from a place where healthy decsions are unlikely to be made......and porn users exploit those sad and tragic decision...I know this because I have studied gender issues and understand that porn is not just about sex , it is about gender, power imbalances, abuse and dehumanisation...'
With all respect Diovonlester I really feel ypou should research the full issue of porn and learn that it has a LOT of implications.
Most women instinctively know that porn 'feels' wrong but cannot articulate why....add that to the fact that we live in a society where judging women based on their measurements is almost a national sport and many women suppress their instincts and accept porn ...
Sure it may be arousing for you diovonlester, but not everything that feels good, is right!!!! your advise sends women back to the days when we were not 'allowed' to vote
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): You present as aged 22-25 and currently living in the UK. You must really decide what is important to you. Do you love this guy, dose he treat you right, do you have fun together?
Have you ever seen any porn, do you masturbate, do you fantasise?
The problem is that many, many men enjoy looking at porn. Not all men like it, some are actually disgusted by it, and some are bored by it. But most (not all) men will have a look at porn sometimes in their life. Please look at the on this board for the many, many question about pornography, this issue has been debated time and time again.
Men use porn as sex relief. They look at it because it's sexy or they use it to get an education on how to be a better lover. There are very few guys that actually prefer the women in porn to the woman they have at home. They don't compare you to the women they see on the videos. It doesn't make them love you any less, and it definitely is not an indication that they will cheat. There are many different types of porn. Sometimes they look at things that they would hate in real life, sometimes they look at things that they like but are afraid to ask.
I am pro-porn, I have looked and enjoyed it and I have used it in relationships. I have also encouraged other women to look at porn too. Remember it's not just women in the video's there are men there as well. As you know in Britain we have naked women on the television and in the newspapers. Millions of men look at them and it doesn't turn them funny and they don't run off and leave their girlfriends. Porn is men's equivalent to a good woman's movie, a day shopping for new shoes, a soap opera, or a glossy woman magazine. Something they do to relax, and since many men like sex, that's what they find relaxing.
Please don't ever feel inadequate, your partner will not understand why it hurts you so much. Getting upset over porn is like getting upset with a man for looking a rainbows or butterfly's. To many men, it just doesn't make any sense. He still finds you beautiful, he still wants to make love to you, a 4year relationship should not be damaged by women in video's or magazines. It's pure fantasy babe, it is nothing you should be frightened about.
"Why does he have to get turned on by other women when he is in a relationship with me?"
This is why I get confused when women get upset about porn. A man has eyes, a relationship doesn't make him blind and it doesn't make you blind. You are together because you love each other and you want to be together. Of course other people are still attractive, and yes other people will turn and him on. Don't you watch movies, don't you fancy any famous celebrities or rock stars. Have they become ugly just because your in a relationship? I call this the "Hollywood lie". People don't fall in love and go blind, we don't all of a sudden become blind to other people's beauty. No! People fall in love and choose to be faithful, they choose to be together. Reality is not the movies babes, there are no Prince Charming's that are struck deaf, dumb and blind by just one woman's beauty.
Reality babes is that people are attracted to many people, but they choose to love and stay faithful to only one. Your partner lies, because you make a big noise over what he chooses to do with his hands and his eyes. To please you he lies, and then you get upset So he lies to you again.
Leave this guy if you want to. If you hate porn so much, leave him and find another guy who doesn't like porn or stay alone and be by yourself. But I always tell women two things. Firstly, I have never found a way to FORCE a man to give up porn, so I can't tell you how to stop him from looking at naked women. You could try communicate your feelings, tell him how inadequate you feel. Tell him you want to be the only woman he is attracted to. Ask him never, ever to look at a naked woman again.
Secondly, most (not all) like to look at porn. Give up this guy if you can't stand porn, but what happens if the next guy lies and says he hates porn and then you find that he actually likes it and looks at it all the time. You'll be back to square one again.
Read the posts on this board, see what men and women have said about this subject and see how people have tried to tackle it, or failed to tackle it. Maybe you will find a solution that will help you and your partner to come to a compromise that you both will feel happy with.
You have a guy you love, you've been together for 4years. Dump him if you wish. But you might not be able to find another guy who doesn't like porn and even if you do, there is no guarantee you will love him like this one or he will make you as happy as you are right now. There are more important things to worry about than video's and magazines...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-it-mean-he-doesnt-love-me-if.html
And just to show you that your not alone, here is one question that has many women that feel like you and are totally anti-porn and they feel just has hurt as you do.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-men-need-porn.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Get some women only mags. Male pin ups etc. Full nude, no women. Ogle. Buy a vibrator if you havent got one, make sure he finds it next to mag. You'll soon have him tasting his own medicine, then you can sit down and negotiate.
Good luck
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