A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I desperately need help before I lose the plot! My boyfriend cheated on me, and when I say cheat I mean he had a full blown relationship with another woman. We broke up for ages talked and finally decided to get back together. But since this happened I am paranoid and annoying. I check his emails, phone and go through his computer! I hate him sometimes then I love him again. I am just all over the place. Its been a year since we got back together. Do you think we can fix this or maybe I should just tell him to drop dead? Part of me really hates him for what he did! Incident messed with my self esteem. I wonder if in a new relationship, i am still going to take these annoying habits of being paranoid and nosey the whole time. I also wonder if he can respect me after making me a fool for so long.... HELP PLEASE BE AS BRUTALLY HONEST AS POSSIBLE!!!!
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broke up, cheated on me, get back together, got back together, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Taking him back is giving him consent to treat you like this again. Forget your words, your actions are saying it's o.k. to treat you like that.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Hi Dear
I somehow can feel, what you feel. I also have the problem that I don't know, if I am really the ONE, or if my bf is still looking for someone better. But I know he didn't cheat, at least not physical, maybe in thought.
But what your bf did, was really, really wrong. So if you can not forgive him for what he did, you should move on. If you still can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. If he can not assure you, hat you are THE ONE, you deserve something better. But if you really love him, you should forgive and try to forget!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): I would end it. Your boyfriend will learn from his mistakes. He will learn how not to get caught. You will find it hard to trust your future boyfriends because of this guy. When you get cheated on you tend to blame yourself. You think you were a nightmare and drove them to it. This is nonsense. The truth is they could have broke up with you and then went with someone else. I believe all people have the capacity to cheat in the right circumstances. It's just that these circumstances are rare and so less likely to happen. The fact that your boyfriend had a whole relationship means he really knows how to lie to you and more importantly, get away with it.
Every relationship has its problems so this advice is based only on what has been posted.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Thank you Tellulah for the honesty. I appreciate the time you took to respond and the advice!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (29 September 2008):
 Hi,
God!! I really feel for you, it happened to me as well, apart from we were married and had kids.
Its just the worst feeling in the world, everyone knew except you. They make a right fool out of you dont they? Just remember though, he hasnt done himself a lot of favours has he. People must think he was an idiot even if they dont say it.
Back to you though sweetie, I thought I could forgive my husband, I tried, I really really tried. But in the end, I threw him out because all the trust had gone. I did the right thing because he was still cheating, and he did the same to her, and the next one.
But not everyone turns out like that. They say once a cheater always a cheater, but I do believe that people can change, and learn from their mistakes. It also takes a lot of hard work, to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself "Why did he cheat on you".
I know its taken me years to admit to myself that I was being a nightmare. I had just had our second child and suffered terrible from post natal depression (not my fault but still very hard to live with), as it turned out, like I say I did make the right decision by ending it, because he cant stay faithfull to anyone. But it has taught me a very valuable lesson, into looking at my behaviour as well as my partners. Also never to trust a man completely, but not make his life a misery either.
Its a very fine line, and I know there will be guys out there, that will say its sad not to trust your partner completely, and I would agree that it is sad, but I am afraid that I think all men (and women) are capable of cheating, its just that some dont actually do it.
By the way, you said would you take the problem with you. I think once your heart has been broken like that, its extremely hard to trust ever again. But not impossible if your shown enough love and respect.
So... Its up to you, but if he is making every effort to make it up to you, and you can try to forgive him (not forget though) and move on... maybe it could work in time and you will get more relaxed and not so paranoid. (who can blame you though).
Hope you find happiness, what ever you decide to do.
XXX
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A
male
reader, NeverGoodEnough +, writes (29 September 2008):
 Once something like this has happened once, it usually messes up all future relationships, your always gonna be suspicious and paranoid with your future boyfriends
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