A
female
age
36-40,
*rissy27blue
writes:Long story short:dated this guy John who was a good guyfriend and it did not work out so we broke up,We are on non-speaking terms,I tried to be friendly and asked him to coffee but he turned me down. We were enagaged for 13 hours after he turned me down for coffee and the following day realized that it was too fast. Anyways here is what happened: last semester in November I found out that I was 6-7 weeks pregnant and I knew it was his.His uncle passed away so I did not say anything at all.I had no idea what was wrong with my body prior to me finding out that I was pregnant: throwing up,running out of lecture during class and throwing up,the smell of certain foods making me nauseated,eating carbs but not meat.I thought that I had too much meat to eat which if I do then I do not eat meat in large quantities for a while.I thought that stress was causing me to throw up as it has done in the past. Anyways so I had an ultrasound and then a couple of days found out that I had a miscariage.My then bf now ex John never found out about any of these things since he was dealing with his own grief.For 3 weeks my ex,friends and family took care of me-I would barelty call friends back,hit rock bottom,was behind in my classes and had some explaining to do to my teachers on my behaviors such as crying out of the blue or throwing up so much.They found out about my situation(all 3 of them-I am in college).So my ex thought that I broke up with him since I would not answer his calls for 3 weeks yet I was depressed which was normal after the miscariage. My ex bf,the guy that I dated before this guy JOhn, for 4 yrs helped me and paid for doctor's visits,etc. Here is my question: my ex and I are on non speaking terms and he is pretending as though I do not exist in his life even though he has been in love with me since 2008 or so. I was thinking about writing a letter about what happened last semester in order to have closure and give it to him then walk away. The letter explaining everything including why I could not be by his side when his uncle passed away because I was sick and pregnant.Is this a good idea?I know that he would be in shock though so I would write it by hand then give it to a friend of mine to give it to him.That way he never has to see or hear from me and it would be an easier thing.I do think that he has the right to know on why I was the way I was last semester since he made me to be this non -caring person as one of the reasons for the break up which is not true.I was not there because I could not and had to see doctors and was nauseated and missed more than my share of classes which I bombed in the end.
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female
reader, crissy27blue +, writes (20 April 2010):
crissy27blue is verified as being by the original poster of the question So I called him tonight and I know that he did not want to talk with me.I asked him if he could come by the library at our university and he said no,he asked why and I told him to trust me that it is important.I finally ended up telling him that I was 6-7 weeks pregnant,he asked who was the father and I told him that he was,he asked me what happened and I told him that I had a miscarriage 4 days after I found out that I was pregnant.He asked me if I had anything else to tell him and I said no.He asked me if I was okay and I said yes.I told him that my whole family knows and that I was blessed with having a good doctor.I told him that I did not tell him at the time because of his uncle's passing away and then he told me that he had to go.He said that he had a lot of stress and so forth and I told him that I was sorry for bringing this upon him.I feel a lot better for telling him even if it was via cell.I know that he was somewhat in shock from how he asked me the questions he did but he said he would call me which I doubt.At least the truth comes out.
A
female
reader, crissy27blue +, writes (19 April 2010):
crissy27blue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are on non-speaking terms though which makes it harder for me to go and talk with him.I have no idea how I would do that even if I tried because he would just walk away which is my best bet or would not want anything to do with me.This guy has been in love with me sinc 2008 yet now pretends or says that he is over me in 2 months after the break up and that he does not care which is killing me so much!If I told him face to face he would have a panic or anxiety attack which I would have no idea how to deal with that also.After all would be said and done I would just walk away from his life once and for all since I am applying for jobs away from where both of us are going to school now(I am getting my BA in August)and closer to my parents which is 1 hr away from the university we attend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): why write..? it sounds like u guys actually did had a good relationship.. just go confronted him.. tell him in the face of the situation u were in..
i know miscarriage was hard and depressing, if he loves u, he would understand. if he doesn't, then it is his loss..
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A
female
reader, crissy27blue +, writes (19 April 2010):
crissy27blue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is nothing fishy about this.Last semester I had a seizure,then another one this semester which has made everyone scared of my health as I am epileptic.I had to deal with school,almost being dropped from one class,falling to pieces and hitting depression all during one semester.When the pregnancy happened I was going to tell my parents so we could go and talk with the doctor but after the miscariage I found it hard to tell anyone about why I was this different person. I was barely talking with my family for 2 weeks after the whole incident and they found out in December/January about my miscariage which brought my sister and mom to tears.Until then I did not have the courage to tell them what has happened.As for why I did not tell him it is because he was dealing with too much stuff and me telling him would only add more stress to a hectic life he as as a college Graduate Student(working on his MA,a son whose father is diagnosed with lung cancer and how his dad's cancer is spreading as well as how his father lost his job and his a state of depression.Helping his family financially,his grandmother who is old and needs supervision,working 40 hrs a week and everything else that he has to deal with.I honestly believed that if I did not tell him he would have one less thing to worry.I did not expect us to break up even though we had a dysfunctional relationship for a week or so and when we did and we lost contact with each other I felt that it was my shot not to tell him.The more I thought about it the more I thought that I wanted closure and letting him know.
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A
female
reader, Isa123 +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Sweetie, this is huge. It could explain so, so much to him.
Being pregnant then having a miscarriage is a huge deal. You must let your ex know what happened. Sure, it's a huge thing, but it'll ease his mind (somewhat) and settle things down between the both of you.
Good luck sweetie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): yes, you should explain. I dont quite understand why you couldnt have gotten him a message. I have miscarried before, and it was difficult but i was able to reason and communicate. Something doesnt ring true about this...
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