A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, my gf's ex bf emailed me today, something thats kinda irratated me, i dont approve of my gf's actions regarding her ex on this one, well not alot of her actions with him i really like...i havent talked to her about it because shes accused me of not trusting her, because i ask so many questions, im a bit frightened that this would just add to the strain im sensing in our relationship...I wannna know if texting your bf and your ex late at night asking for help sleeping is acceptable and then cut contact with your bf over text and phone your ex....it came to my attention when her mum ratted her out a little while ago and i asked her at the time and she changed the topic....is this acceptable? Im feeling a bit hard done by, but there really is no clear line with regards to this? Is it ok to get emo support or talk to another man who better deals with certain emotional situations than your sig other??Also my gf says im too serious and her ex is more fun than me, and that my lack of trust in her worries her, shes also said that she is unhappy with her life and she is constantly stressed, she dosent like to talk to me about her problems anymore, i worry when she says she is unhappy with her life...should i worry that im gonna get dropped soon? And what do i do about getting her to open up and rely on me more for emotional support instead of her ex? Even if its nothing to do with me, like her work giving her jip, shouldnt she be talking to me about it? Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Hi, OP herethank you for your replies,I often make her smile, tell her little jokes, tickle her and treat her like a princess in the whole of things. she tells me off because i shouldnt be spending my money on her, but a box of chocolates or some flowers every-now and then does not hurt?the reason why she thinks i lack trust is because i ask so many questions, i havent really noticed it, as its normally my personality and pretty much who i am, i do not like not knowing. i dont really beleive anything sexual is going on, its just emotional, shes slowly dis-connected her emotions from me and has been talking more about other guys she talks to online. she dosent really invest much emotionally into our relationship anymore, like talking about problems etc, iv called her out on it and she says that its because she beleives people have their own problems and dont wanna hear hers... she seemed offended i bought it up aswell.i beleive she is overthinking her belief that i dont trust her and she says trust shoud be instant if its a gf. she is already answering questions that i havent asked directly or implied, for example i say goodnight to her on msn and sign out, about half hour later i text her saying "just incase u werent by your computer? i have said goodnight and sweet-dreams" she comes back with "i was downstairs" very straight to the point, yes or no answers or just ok most of the time. I have spoken to her regarding her seeing her ex and the fact that he does e-mail me. the whole issue of respect was bought up, she came up with a compromise, which was see him once a month instead of every tuesday and thursday (the days when i dont see her), she wants to help him become a better person because she misses who he used to be and has potential to become a nice person, i feel its the same as just missing him, but i let it drop cause she gets uptight. iv asked her to get him to stop bothering me, but he still pesters me, sometimes gloats that shes gone to him for emotional support, and he teases me telling me peices of information i havent been told about things in her life atm. I do block him, but he just makes a new e-mail accound or uses someone elses. he also phoned her last-night and she went up to her room to talk to him. i was sat in her living room for an hour and a half patiently waiting with her parents, who then said i should go home as it looks like shes going to be busy. they dont like her ex either.I am re-assured that i am the boyfriend, what has been unsettling me is the lack of emotional investment and respect on her half, she says shes unhappy alot recently, shes taken a week off this week to find out where she wants to go and what to do in life and shes shut herself off from everyone....should i just stick it out and give her space, wait for her to come to me?she also still talks to a boy who she kissed some-way into our relationship at a club, she tried to keep it from me, but she got ratted out by her family, i know she has a big crush on him and shut herself off for a week when he got a new girlfriend. she plans to meet him when hes back from iraq and she wants to go out to a club with im....im strictly not invited. i ask her if shes spoken to him every-so-often and she jumps down my throat saying that "oh i dont trust her" when im only asking out of interest. To be honest i dont know whats going on with this girl. would ike to see what happens when she comes out from this week of solitude and "thinking"....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Wow. I'm sorry but I couldn't live like that. I had this same problem though. I fell for my girlfriend hard and fast but it took her a while to realize it.
She would also call/text her ex when we were dating as bf/gf. At first I was ok with it but once I fell for her I told her it made me uncomfortable and thought it was a lack of respect for me in a way. I didn't speak to any of my ex's out of respect for her...
Her and her ex grew up together as friends. She is from a really small town. So she said she would lessen the contact but not cut him off completely since they had been friends before and after they dated. I was ok with it. But the contact never did lessen. I just got a bad vibe. Not so much jealousy but like she was keeping a part of herself for him.
I stayed with her hoping she would get the hint. It caused some fights. She would tell me it was all innocent and i was being too serious about it. She never told me he was more fun than me though. Later on I find out she was really hurt by him. She thought she would marry him and he broke up with her for no apparent reason. I think that's what made it worse. She always kept wondering what she did wrong, etc., so he never really let go. I found out she would still send him message she loved him etc a few months before she met me.
He's the type that would tell her she would always have a special place in his heart, and he'd always remember the love they shared, etc...all that would keep her from moving on.
Eventually, after lots of fights, I told her she needed to stop or I was gone. She accepted but resented me for it. I found out she did it in secret anyway.
She met him for lunch without me knowing and when I found out I left her for about a week. She then realized it I guess. Cried, begged, pleaded for about 4 weeks. I took her back. But only because I am %100 percent sure she didn't cheat on me.
She did a 180 and was completely loving now. She admitted he still had a piece of her heart. And until I broke up with her she realized what she was losing.
We are now engaged and living together. But I know she kept doing it because she knew I would never leave her.
Don't be mean, or disrespectful. Just tell her, "I love you so much. You are my world; but you don't respect me. I understand you feel your contact with your ex is harmless but it isn't. It makes me feel underappreciated and uncomfortable. My love for you is true and lasting, and you know with your ex it didn't work but you are willing to risk that and I would never risk you. Ever. I love you but I can't keep doing this."
if she loves you she will stop. Plain and simple. If she doesn't, then you are better off because you found out now and not later when you wasted more time.
You seem like a nice guy. Like me. Don't let yourself get taken advantage of. If you're like me it tortures you that she's doing this. It won't get better.
What did that guy email you?
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A
female
reader, GardenGrove8273  +, writes (25 January 2010):
As her bf, you should be the one she comes to talk to.. especially since you're always showing how much you care about her.
She's not going to drop you; she seems like she wants/needs the support from the both of you. (You for the emotional and him for the fun). It's up to you whether or not you're cool with that.
Personally, I would lay off for a tad. If you're "bugging" her and not trusting her, etc, then give her space so she realizes she's taking you for granted.
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A
male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 If she wants fun, she'll go to her ex, if she wants love, she'll come to you. Let her make the choice. Let her know you'll love her truly (if you really will) and let her make the choice once and for all because what happens now is not healthy and will only evolve into worse situations. Don't be clingy because it won't help, be a man and be true to yourself and if she really wants to be with you enough, she'll come. If not, at least you know and you're able to go from there. My ex wanted a lot of fun too and even though I did give it to her plenty, she took advantage of it the wrong way and got the idea she could manage getting it from me and another guy in shifts. I was clingy and was a fool in love and lots more and it ended badly until I put my foot down too late and broke our relationship. She really did love me because she wanted me back for a year after but my own heart was too broken and I could not handle it anymore. All because we let it go too far and we were both not grown up enough. So my advice to you: Don't let it go too far and stand up for yourself, love blinds you in some aspects but always keep in mind you've got a lot more to life than her, even if you haven't found it yet. Love can be true, only if you're both true, once it goes wrong it's time to be a man/woman and deal with it the right way. It couldn't hurt to really make her smile a little more often too :)
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