A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok, so i have this boyfriend, i have been with him since 1st May this year but have known him since last mid-october, we are long distance(about 300m/5 hrs apart) things have been going really well, we have the odd tiff now and then but who doesnt, the only problem is i get really jealous when he goes out with friends and expect to talk to him over the phone or by text for at least half the night thus spoiling his night, but, dear of him, he doesnt really seem to mind and always assures me he is not going to be unfaithful, also when i go out he leaves me to it, yet i end up on the phone to him or texting him most of the time im out, partly to prove im not up to anything, partly to make sure he isnt, but mainly because i start to miss him and want to talk to him.i have always been like this, ever since i got hurt in a couple of relationships that got quite serious at school, but mainly ever since my last most serious relationship i was in - i was with the guy for 2 and a half years, he had about 3 or 4 kids all with different women which he never told me about, and he was cheating on me throughout the entire relationship. i understand that my boyfriend has been hurt also, and he despises the girl that hurt him most with a passion, but i still worry he will go out at some point, bump into her, and just jump into bed with her, because up until recently, almost every conversation we had, he always brought up her name .. "lorraine this, lorraine that" it makes me think that even though he said that he hates her and does not love her anymore, but misses her because of what they went through(she almost made him a dad) - as i miss but hate the aforementioned guy who hurt me - it makes me think that he does in fact still have a thing for her, it was 2 years ago they went out with each other for petes sake! they have never really spoke since, she has moved on, got another guy with which she has a baby boy now, from what i have heard and seen, and he has slept with about 6 other girls since(including me), and this is another thing that makes me worry more, because most of them were just sex, no relationships or feelings being exchanged.my main question though is: should i worry about him cheating on me? he hasnt yet as far as i can tell, and he seems readily available 98% of the time when i call or text, and the times he isnt available, he will pick up, but tell me he is busy helping his mum, which i have witnessed, and if there is no answer i only have to try again then he will answer and say he was asleep, which is believable. his family all seem to like me and ask him if im ok when he talks to them.there are enough pros as there are cons to make it neutral enough for me to be unable to know .. help!
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I think you would benefit greatly from counseling. You are still struggling with issues of self esteem and even old childhood wounds that were brought up by being betrayed in your long term relationship.One symptom of this is you have chosen a long distance relationship to be in that has failure built into it already, that way when it ends you will not feel it was your fault or anything to do with you, but in fact the distance and the propensity to cheat when you don't spend time together.Your relationship is not healthy and is quite childish, sorry, but all that constant texting, I mean, seriously!Any way, this isn't going to work out between the two of you, you don't trust him, his past relationship pattern was one that was all about sex. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In fact guys have a name for LDR relationships, it's called a long distance booty call....and you can try to build a fence around him through the phone, but you aren't really going to know if some skank isn't sitting right there with him laughing about the girl who is the long distance booty call. There are women out there like that, that see other women as competition and men as a prize even when they themselves are the ones being used.Get the counseling, break it off with this guy, try being single for awhile and getting your identity and self confidence secure first and then start to date SEVERAL men and keep you focus on you, not what they are doing or aren't doing. Let a real relationship build over time with a guy who will live up to your expectations.
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