A
female
age
30-35,
*tuzza
writes:I have been seeing this guy for a few months, he is lovely and everything is going great. But!!! he has a two year old son I have never met him as we both decided until we are ready to commit to each other, I won't meet him. I love kids and I'm not scared of meeting him I just not sure how I'm going to cope helping out with a 2 year old he has him most weekend and a day in the week. He's his world but I don't know how I can cope having my life to revolve around him. I'm scared if I commit it will all become complicated as won't be spending much alone time together as his kid will be there more (yes I'm selfish but I'm young and unlike most 20yr olds I don't want to have kids early and not enjoy being young) so shall I tell him how I feel about how I feel? Or do I just walk away? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): OP if you can't handle it then walk. The kid is nothing to do with you, your life won't revolve around it in any way because it's not yours. You can still party and do what you like when you want.
The only difference it makes is the amount of free time he will have will be limited and he has a child as part of the package.
It sounds to me though that there are already early signs of a bit of jealousy in you that he has a love greater than you and always will.
Probably best if you walk now and not use the guy as some kind of experiment to see whether you can handle it or not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Hi OP
I'd end the relationship now if I were you, a relationship with a parent can be complicated and you have to be dedicated to both the parent and the child, if the bloke is decent he will put his child first and things like weekends and Christmas, halloween, bonfire night won't be you snuggling up it will all about the child (and rightly so) then there's the other parent, the mum can sometimes be jealous (even if they don't want the man) of another lady in the child's life.
At 20 you should be living life to the max, travelling, whooping, shagging lots, sleeping in, discovering yourself not being a step parent!
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A
female
reader, Stuzza +, writes (26 June 2014):
Stuzza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, where I live tho the teenage pregnancy rate is stupidly high and pretty much all my friends have kids, it's difficult to find someone that doesn't seen to have kids or want them before there 25
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 Most 20 years old want to have children early ?? ..then most 20 years old do not get what they want, since the average age for first childbirth is 30 in UK !
Anyway, no I do not think you are wrong either. I think, in fact, you are pretty open minded, when I was 20 I would not have taken a single dad of a two y.o child for all the tea of China.
I think it's and appropriate normal if you, at 20 you want to date, not to take on a ready made family. You want to have fun, romantic times- you want to go out for dinner, drinks and dancing... or stay home for cozy movie nights cuddling on the sofa and whispering sweet ( or naughty ) nothings in each other 's ear. You don't want, I suppose , help him changing diapers or spending your weekend at the petting zoo or watching Teletubbies. If you wanted to do that, ... you'd make your own child I guess.
It is also very normal, in fact commendable, in fact vital, that HIS life should revolve around his son. That's why it should be. He SHOULD build his schedule around his child 's naps and meals and playtime, anytime he has the kid :
but should you ? ....
Tbh, I don't see why. Unless maybe you are so in love and you feel this guy is so special and that you have so much potential as a couple , that it would be a crime just letting him go .. if you feel he's worth the sacrifice, your choice- but keep in mind, it IS a sacrifice, and a big limitation, and if you decide to accept, make sure that this guy is super worth it.
In case , instead, things aren't at this stage yet, and you just like him, you like him a lot, and yet....
listen to your guts which say " and yet "... before it all ends in frustration, resentment and mutual bitterness ( and you have also spent a lot of boring afternoons dancing the Hokey Pokey with Toddler ).
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 I don't think you are wrong at all. For someone your age dating a guy with a child might NOT be the right thing at all.
The child SHOULD be his first priority. ALWAYS.
Yes, it is a tad selfish to want the guy you DATE to put you first and have the "world" revolve around you, but if that is TRULY how you feel, YOU already know he isn't for you. And honestly, there is NOTHING wrong in that.
I thinking ENJOYING your youth is what's right for you, so find a partner who feels the same way.
I didn't date single dad's when I was in my 20's even though I met a couple of really nice ones, one who is a really good friend still.
That is, until I met my now husband. Looking back I could have avoided SO much drama had I stuck to my "rule" of not dating single dads. But it worked out for us. For me the kids weren't the problem at all, it was the ex wife that caused the ruckus and drama. There is a LOT more baggage with a single dad then just the child.
So the fact that you don't just jump in with both feet I think is a good thing. If you don't feel ready for this, let him know that this is more than you feel you can handle, nothing WRONG in that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Commit in what way? Official couple or more? If you can't see yourself sharing his time with his child, that's okay because you are leaving before you have something attaching you to him, like a baby (I'd say engagement/marriage, but you can break that off). That means though, that it's best if you find someone who won't have to divide their time between you and their child - i.e someone who isn't a parent.
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