A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is more of a friends question than relationship advice but I hope you can help. I introduced my married female friend to my single male friend on a casual night out before Christmas (along with other people I might add). Fast forward 2 weeks and I find out he's been messaging her non stop and they met up for coffee. I was so mad, firstly for him trying it on with my married friend and also with her for not ignoring him. Since then they have had a short lived affair that is now over however they continue to be friends and see each other without me (I refuse to have anything to do with them together). I'm so mad at him our friendship has died but with her we have such a strong bond that I can't seem to walk away. It's pushed a massive barrier between us and I'm so resentful of the fact that they go out without me when they were supposed to be 2 of my best friends. It's also caused her to lie to me about things as she knows I disapprove of the truth and I just have lost trust in her.My question is do I walk away from them both, shout it out to get it out of my system or just accept the damage is done and try to salvage friendships? I know the last option is the most grown up but I'm so angry at them both I don't know if it's possible.
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affair, best friend, christmas Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 May 2014):
 If you can't hold your tongue then the best thing to do is walk away.
I doubt you introduced them thinking they would behave this way, I personally don't find you culpable at all.
it's NOT your behavior that's bad. IT was not YOUR choice for them to have an affair... either physical or emotional.
It really is none of your concern what two adults choose to do unless they ask you to be a party to it. Since they are wisely not involving you, the topic is off the table.
If you are so angry that you can't hold your tongue like I said. then the best bet is to distance yourself from them.
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 May 2014):
You need to get over it. It has nothing to do with you. Basicly it is none of your business.
Please don't get me wrong what they did is wrong and hurt someone deeply. I have learned from my own experiences that you can't instil your ethics into someone.
I have a female friend (not close) who is doing the exact same thing. I like her and I do think she is a good person. I told her that I do not agree with what she is doing and I don't want to be involved in her activities or speak about it. In the end it will not only hurt her, but everyone involved... his wife. She is slowly losing friends and it is hurting her position at work. She lost a promotion over her activities. She can't see that yet. She is going to loss big time.
Karma is a bitch!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): They're probably still having an affair if they're going out alone, but aren't letting you know because they know you don't approve. It's up to you if you want to salvage the friendship, I wouldn't bother with the man. I would talk to your gf and tell her your feelings- then I would stop contact due to my feelings about cheating and being uncomfortable about lying to her husband. I would be inclined to end the friendship and to find a way to let her husband know he is being cheated on. I would be really angry that my supposed friends involved me in their deception.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): [Edit] "Are your hands totally clean? No! You know about the affair, and you can't tell without digger yourself a deeper hole!"
Correction: "Are your hands totally clean? No! You know about the affair, and you can't tell without digging yourself into a deeper hole!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): Either you completely forgive and forget; or you place your relationship with your best friend on hold, until you have cleared all your resentment toward her from your system.
Breaking her vows to her husband, is the main offense here.
I can understand how you're morally indignant to know you were caught in the middle. You introduced the two, and they took it to a level that would reflect poorly on the person who innocently introduced the two as friends. Assuming appropriate boundaries would be kept.
It incriminates you by placing you in the position of keeping her dirty secret from her husband. Whom I assume doesn't know his wife has cheated.
I don't know how you can look him in the eyes, knowing what you know his wife has done? This is a ticking time-bomb. They're still carrying-on secret communication. The only innocent party in this drama is her husband.
You're angry at her for being opportunistic; and turning an introduction between friends, into a marital affair. Making you unwittingly the guilty-party who brought them together. Why you didn't introduce the married-couple together does place some responsibility on your shoulders. Her husband would at least be aware of another man you've introduced to his wife.
Are your hands totally clean? No! You know about the affair, and you can't tell without digger yourself a deeper hole!
What's going to be the final straw? You're better off to walk away. If you have to be silent on her behalf to protect her from what she has done. That makes you an accessory to the crime of cheating.
I'd get out of this drama; because the first thing she will do to protect herself is look for somebody to share the blame.
Can you guess who that will be?
As for him. I wouldn't have anything else to do with him for using you in such a way. Then being a snake crawling around behind your back; while pursuing a married woman.
Your BFF!!!
Showing no respect for you, her husband; nor the sanctity of her marriage. She is a willing party. So they're both rotten cheaters.
They both put you in the middle; and personally, they're both lucky that you'd silently walk away, never to utter another word to either of them. Or, to her husband!
You know too much. Walk!
Silence is lying for her, and excusing him.
As for the "strong bond?"
She's using you. That bond has been transferred to another friend. Who happens to have a penis.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2014):
 It's not clear to me if you are so mad at them on moral grounds ( you can't stomach cheaters, .. you are also friends with the woman's husband ... ) or simply because now they go out together without inviting you.
In the first case , I can only tell you, let your conscience be your guide. If you feel strongly against adultery , and do not want to be mixed up with people who are capable of committing adultery- I guess you already have your answer ; if you campaign against drugs you can't hang out with drug dealers. Then again, it may be a case of "hate the sin not the sinner ". The fling is over , and anyway your married friend is an adult who is the sole responsible for her misbehaviours, she did not have to ask for your opinion or permission before deciding her sexual conduct, no matter how inappropriate.
That's really for you to decide, what principle is more prevalent in your life, that of taking an inequivocable stand on certain moral issues , or that of sticking loyally with your friends, even when they make mistakes or things you don't approve . I can't really suggest which one, it's up to you.
If you just are mad because they got chummier and you feel left out, well, isn't that a bit high schoolish ? You don't own your friends, and if you introduce X to Y they have no obligation to NOT pursue a closer friendship out of your influence and control. The fact they had a fling is irrelevant, they could have got closer even without any fling, or the same thing could have happened even if you had introduced your married friend to a single GIRL.
A introduces friend B to friend C, and maybe B and C find out they have lots of things in common, and they enjoy doing things together and talking together, - but they are not obligated to ALWAYS include A in their outings and conversations ( although also, hopefully, they won't go out of their way to exclude A ).
You say you are not going out with the two of them anyway, so that leaves only your married female friend to deal with. You don't have to forgive her for her past as a cheater, if you hate cheaters , but if you do, or did,forgive her then whom she hangs out with in her free time is not really your business.
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