A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 52 years old, married my high school sweet heart a year ago - my first marriage and his second. He has been single for 20 years. We have not had sex in 7 months. There is no intimacy either - no kissing, no cuddling. He says he doesn't know why this is happening but what is worse, he doesn't seem to care. There is no intimate bond between us. I think I rushed into things, we didn't date long. I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking and my self esteem is tanking. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 May 2014):
 When there is a sexual/intimacy mis-match between two people.... as much-so as you described between you and hubby... then there is no hope for the "relationship" to survive.
Reconcile that to yourself.... sit hubby down and say, "Hunchy Bunchy, I think we have a sexual/intimacy mismatch... and - unless YOU are prepared to change YOUR contribution to it - this "marriage" is over. By-the-by, I still consider you my friend... but that is all."
Then, you and he go your separate ways...
Good luck..
P.S. I've "been there; done that" so claim to be advising from experience.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): First-off, don't allow this to be a matter of your self-esteem. Your desirability as a woman is not in question.
You may have rushed into things. The passion may have run it's course prior to the marriage, and he simply hadn't let on. Some men are only charming through the courtship; and once they snag themselves a good cook, housekeeper, and someone to share their bills. He reverts back to his true charmless selfish personality.
He flunked two marriages, my dear! Huge red-flag! Stayed single for 20 years! There had to have been other relationships in that span of time.
Have you never met either of his exes? They might have warned you. You were too starry-eyed with the "high school sweetheart" thing. He's not a high school boy anymore. You're not a high school girl. Now you must deal with a very mature situation.
You say he doesn't seem to care? He has shutdown all affection? May I ask,before you were married, who was the most financially secure? Him, or you? How did you happen to recapture the relationship, starting way-back since high school?
You both may have been caught up in nostalgia. Now reality has set in.
There was a huge gap between then and now. He has been through this thing called life. All sorts of factors has changed him, and he is not the boy you used to know. Time and age has changed you both. You based your feelings on the past. So now you are in the present. Deal with the here and now.
So his character may be suspect at this point.
If he gives a sh*t, ask him to get a medical checkup; just to make sure there isn't some underlying illness or undiagnosed disease. Maybe his testosterone suddenly dropped, or he recently started a new medication.
Not cuddling or kissing your wife, are not any side-effects of any medication I know. Loss of interest for seven months sounds like he just got you where he wanted you, and feels no need to keep up the childhood sweetheart facade. Maybe he has a borderline personality disorder he never discussed with you. You said you weren't together long before you got married. So you were still in-love with the boy he was; not the man he is.
You know him better than anyone here does; so you have to figure out who this man is now. If he suddenly pulled a 360 on you, perhaps you might now see the real guy he is.
If intimacy is the only problem, give him the benefit of the doubt and rule out medical issues. That is, if he cares enough to get to the root of any problems that can adversely-effect your marriage.
If he doesn't, don't rule out a divorce. Life's too short.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2014):
 step one with a man of his age is a complete medial work up including tests for depression and hormonal levels.
once that checks out and is not the cause then the next step is to figure out what has changed in the last 7 months.
were you intimate before you married?
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