A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I been arguing a lot lately. We normally argue over the same things over and over again. Such as bills, wedding preps, punctuality and etc. Yesterday, he started to argue with me over my whatapp last seen and accuses me of cheating on him. I have never ever in my life cheated on him. It has never crossed my mind to even do that. I tried explaining to him over and over again. Until he got really angry that he told me, he never promised me a wedding.I was devastated and crushed. I left my whole entire life to be with this guy. I had to postpone my degree studies and left 2 group of friends that he disliked for this wedding. I don't know what to do.. I don't feel like talking to him ever again. Whatever he said last night was the last straw. I don't think I can ever piece my heart back together.What do i do? We are only 1 year away to my wedding. We paid for quite a number of deposits. And our house is going to be ready too. Should I walk away or just give him another chance? My life is a total mess. I miss my friends, they used to be there for me at times like this but i left them. I can't possibly come back with these problems.
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (4 September 2014):
 Are you marrying the guy because you love him, want to be with him and are genuinely wanting to commit? Or is it because you are hoping deep down it will change him and make the relationship what you want it to be?
If its the latter then walk away now. Marrying him wont solve the issues you both have, neither will it change him or stop his petty ways. if anything it will get worse.
It sounds like you handed control of your life away from yourself and onto your controlling partner - you ended up loosing friends to suit him, you now have a lack of social life which suits him as he is insecure about you cheating even though you don't have any intention of doing so, you ended up postponing your degree (are you ever actually going to do that as you don't want to be 30 odd and starting the course).
You are young and yet you have given up so much because he wanted you to. He doesn't like you having friends as no doubt he gets jealous of them and is "suspicious" if you have a social life. He doesn't want you doing a degree and meeting new people and having a life away from him so you ended up "postponing" the degree which, if you stay, will never happen.
Relationships are about MUTUAL give and take, equal compromise. Instead its a case of you giving and him taking. You gave up so much while he got his own way.
I don't wish to sound blunt but its important you understand YOU have made a lot of mistakes in this relationship by handing control of your life to him. You say you had to give up X,Y and Z but you didn't. You chose to give up so much to suit a partner that is insecure, controlling and clearly immature.
You need to end this farce and get your life back on track. For too long you have bent over backwards and sacrificed so much for very little in return.
DONT make the mistake so many make of thinking "well I cant back out now" or "it paid for so we must go ahead..." because if you marry him you pay for the wedding, if you back out you pay for the wedding. The difference is that backing out gives you the opportunity to be happy and rebuild your life. Marrying him will make you unhappy and even more controlled and isolated.
Better to swallow your pride and call it off than save face and go through it to suit everyone else.
I do think you have been naïve, too easily controlled and have made the mistake of cutting yourself off from friends and ambitions to suit a partners controlling insecurities. To be honest I don't see why you would even have considered marriage in the first place with this guy.
Its time to stand up for YOU, get your independence back and do what is right for YOU instead of what suits everyone else. If others don't like the fact you call off the wedding tough shit quite frankly. THEY don't have to spend a lifetime in an unhappy marriage.
Mark
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (4 September 2014):
 Ugh, he's like this NOW - just imagine what he'll be like when you're trapped inside a marriage with him.
Sweetness, marriage will not make ANYTHING better - it will just magnify all the issues that you have now. Don't be fooled - that doesn't mean it will magnify all the good parts as well.
Listen to the advice you have gotten. Listen to the deepest part of your heart. Do what Future You will thank you for. If you decide to go through with this, Future You will be begging you to change your mind before it's too late.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (3 September 2014):
 I agree with intrigued3000. I had the same red flags before I got married. I had the sinking feeling I wasn't doing the right thing. We actually got along okay, it was just a feeling that wasn't quite right. I couldn't back out (I thought) because we had already paid for everything and the family had paid for their tickets as well because it was a destination wedding. I felt stuck and instead convinced myself it would be okay and I just had wedding jitters. We only lasted 2 years.
It was much more of a disappointment to family to see us last only 2 years than it would have been to cancel a wedding. I don't know about him but I felt like a failure and like a young idiot.
Wait until you are calm and really think all of this through. If you have doubts don't get married. And get your friends back regardless. You really need to do this, it's imperative. You cannot give up people for your significant other. You will become resentful, trust me. I've gone through it with my ex husband. He doesn't have to like your friends and he can't control who you talk to. This isn't a healthy relationship and won't ever last this way even if you decide to get married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): If what you're going through now is a preview to the drama you'll call marriage? Run, don't walk, screaming to the nearest exit!
Now some tough-love. Why in the name of all that's holy, did you postpone your career and education for some guy? Were you expecting him to take care of you? Sacrificing your own life is not wise, and you are in-effect diminishing your own power and potential. You are surrendering all of who you are, and who you could be. No man is worth doing that, and no man worth anything would want you to!
Collect what you can of the deposits that are refundable.
There should be no wedding. If you ask me, I don't think he wants to get married, and he's stressing you out so you'll be the one to call it quits.
That way he can blame it all on you! Then, so be it. You will look like the wiser of the two, and the one with the balls. Part of marriage is sharing bills and expenses. Punctuality shows responsibility, respect, and is a good indication of how one prioritizes and organizes their time. You can't always be on time; but if there is a an event that requires your timely appearance, you should get your ass in gear and be there. No one has time or patience for a slacker. You're all responsible adults.
You have to get past the anger and pull your act together.
Now is the time when you have to set the wheels in motion to get your life back. Plan out how you'll get your education started again. When, how, and where you will restart your life.
Take breaks to cry and purge your emotions. Then start rebuilding your confidence and refocus.
Time to grow up and realize it's time to be single and independent again. Don't drain yourself or waste your energy in anger and despair. Make a plan, and execute it.
There will be no wedding with that guy. Go reclaim your life. Go reach for the stars. You just ducked a bullet.
Now you know the hell married-life would have been.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Believe me, the embarassment of calling off the wedding will seem like child's play compared to the angst that you will endure for the duration of the marriage and the EVEN MORE excruciating pain and stress of FINISHING off that (doomed) marriage....
Do yourself a favor and get out now....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 No nonsense Aidan is right...Listen to your gut. Before I got married to my now ex-husband, things did not feel right. At one point I felt strongly that I should not marry him, but I went ahead anyway, because things had been paid for and I was worried about what other people would think. That was a BIG mistake. It cost me more financially and emotionally in the long term.
Let your anger cool down before you make your decision. When you are calm better decisions are made.
You should not give up your friends for him. Even if you decide to stay with him, reach out and apologize to your friends and mend the friendships as best you could. He has isolated you from your support network. That's not good. He sounds very insecure and controlling, and this can lead to emotional abuse. Don't let him emotionally abuse you.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (3 September 2014):
 You know exactly what you need to do - leave him. It's not too late. Do it without delay, and get back to your studies and your friends and start to rebuild your life.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 September 2014):
You’ve answered your own question. He is totally uncommitted to this wedding, you’ve sacrificed everything for him and he doesn’t even trust you not to cheat. Don’t walk away, run away! As fast as you can from this disaster. A house and a few deposits are no reason to go ahead with a wedding to a man who treats you like this. Listen to your gut: “I don’t think I can ever piece my heart back together,” you write. How will marriage to a man who makes you feel like that work?
This relationship is over. End it, and you can build bridges over time with people you have distanced yourself from. It won’t be easy, and you’ll probably have to do a lot of apologising and asking for forgiveness, but you’d be better off channelling your energies in to rebuilding the relationships you let slip by for this no-good man, than trying to pursue a relationship with some-one who’s ground you down so much that you think so little of yourself as to consider marrying him even though he treats you like this.
I wish you all the very best.
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