A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is a slightly embarrassing question and I know there's no one correct answer. I just want some opinions/advice/comments from those who have been in a similar situation. I'm female, nineteen, in my second year of university, and am basically sexually frustrated. Since the age of 15 I've had opportunities (and sometimes pressure) to have sex through relationships I've been in, but I always held off for various reasons - partly upbringing, or being too young, or I felt the relationship wasn't healthy/caring enough... and those were the right decisions at the time so I don't regret that. Then last year, my first year of uni when I was 18, I did sleep with someone. We were in a casual but caring relationship and although we weren't a brilliant match (not much in common etc) we were very fond of each other. However, to be honest, the sex was terrible. He was even more inexperienced than I was, and it never lasted more than about 5 seconds - he had problems sometimes in getting an erection in the first place, and then always with coming too quickly. I became so used to it not working that when he actually did have an erection that looked as if it might last, I would tense up as it was such a big deal! And then obviously it was more painful etc. The main problem was definitely his PE issues though, together with the fact he wasn't able to sustain a second erection. (I hope I don't sound too harsh, he was lovely, I'm just trying to illustrate the frustration.) Since we both knew the relationship didn't have much future due to our lack of compatibility it didn't seem worth seeking proper help about it, and we broke up naturally for other reasons. However, as you can imagine, that was a huge anti-climax after quite a few years of holding off, and of knowing that all my friends were doing it etc. My question is... I am now so fed up that I'm beginning to wonder whether I should just seek casual sex to get it out of my system and to get some experience. That doesn't seem a very "me" thing to do because I am not particularly sexually secure, really not a fan of the scary world of Tinder etc and feel pressured/alarmed by all the media articles about how porn is affecting sex these days and expectations of waxes and anal etc etc. But I also know that the older I get, the more my inexperience will bother me, and that it might be years before I get into another relationship and therefore get the opportunity naturally. I've started to see sex (or good sex!) as something "other people" have. I almost doubt that it's real haha. So, what are your experiences along these lines? Should I just be patient or should I suppress my discomfort and aim for a one night stand?As a final point, an opinion on this too please - am I a virgin? Pretty sure my hymen has been broken through penetration but also pretty sure that that experience barely counted as sex!
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broke up, erection, hymen, one night stand, porn, sexually frustrated, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 October 2014):
Avoid one night stands, absolutely without question a very bad idea. I’ve known people who’ve gone down that path thinking it was a substitute for an intimate relationship, and been left hurt and disappointed, and ultimately more empty and inadequate than before. I’ve also seen that scenario played out often enough in 3.5 years on Dearcupid.
The reality is that sex makes you feel vulnerable, that much is obvious from your post. IF you tensed up with a boyfriend, think how bad your nerves will be with a stranger who actually doesn’t care a bit about you. Not only that, but in a relationship there is tenderness, consideration and appreciation of each other, whereas for a one night stand all the expectations centre exclusively on the sex. This is not the answer for you. The answer is seeking a relationship, one where you work slowly up to the point where you’re ready for sex, and that means being able to confide in each other about your experiences and the insecurities and issues they have left with you. What won’t help you enjoy sex is a stranger who you freely allow to use you. What will allow you to enjoy it is opening up, having a partner who won’t pressure you, will take his time with you, and will support you and make you feel relaxed and comfortable. For such a partner, your inexperience won’t be a concern, because the enjoyment will be in learning and discovering more about each other as you go along. Actually technique is a pretty small part of good sex, it’s all about good communication and seeking to satisfy each other.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 I was an international student so I never knew where I would end up in my 20's and so on. I was still a horny person but I made up my mind that the person I lost my virginity to was my boyfriend. I got a boyfriend who was actually gay. I didn't care as we seemed to love each other. We broke up because we didn't want to live a lie anymore.
I think as women we are pressured to have standards which are mostly made by men. If you were to tell a new boyfriend about your sexual history, such as having one night stands some would be put off. So if you are able to keep your history private, or lie, or just not care about it then it would not be a big deal for you. So far no guy ever asked me about my sexual past. If a guy is so obsessive about details from my past I wouldn't want to be with him anyway.
You are not a virgin. At least it didn't hurt too much. Your first time needed someone like that. Soft and gentle.
I am not a person to have one night stands either but if the opportunity comes up itself, I am single and the guy is attractive and funny, I would not turn it down. It would never be something to ponder about or write on the post about. My experience is that if I was willing to have sex with a certain person I would be willing to give relationships a try too. Having few common interests is not a problem for me. If you look at these as factors then your priority is not sex. For me it is. A date can be sex, eating outside, taking a walk and it will be satisfying for me. I find having a boyfriend to be fulfilling whereas one night stands just leave me feeling empty inside.
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