A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Basically I am due to be getting married next year to my wonderful partner of 3 years. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship (we met 2 years after the break up) and we are all close. I love his children to bits. When he proposed, immediately my soon to be step daughter immediately asked to be a bridesmaid, so I was thrilled. His son is also exited. This is my problem though, although the ex and my fiancée are civil, I am concerned with what she tells them. I hate the fact that my SD always used to cuddle me and tell me she loves me, but she isn't allowed anymore (she told me that) and I feel she is slowly moving away from me. Mum has a new Boyfriend who seems nice to the kids which is important, but now literally has SD calling him daddy after 3 months. Mum has had 3 different 'daddy's' in her life. She was very upset recently and told me 'I don't think Mummy will let me be your bridesmaid'. She is 7 years old. Basically, how do I play it if they can't be part of my wedding and how can I get back the loving relationship I had with my SD? She does speak to me sometimes about Mummy and how she upsets her and I tell my fiancé My fiancé is a lovely man and does defend our corner, he has taken her to court for access etc. I want the kids to always know I love them to bits and although I am lovely about their Mum is breaks my heart to see little children on egg shells sometimes because they don't want to upset Mummy. Thanks.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 The daughter is 7 years old so the most she can do is be a flower girl. You tell her a bridesmaid has to be an adult. This is your wedding so you pick who you want to be there. No one has to tell the mom what went on at the wedding. If she investigates and search for pictures of the wedding then it's her problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): Thanks for your responses!
We are both clueless on what to say or do with my SD as my SD can't be a bridesmaid. she loves my nieces to bits and they hang around together and everyone is all exited about the wedding but SD will be so upset if she can't be a bridesmaid, how do we tell everyone and what do we tell her?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 I think you should sit down with your soon-to-be husband and ask him how HE wants to handle this. These are "his" kids and she is "his" ex.
She sounds like a selfish cow.
I would also tell your SD that you don't want anyone to get upset, most of all not HER (the child not her mom).
I would also suggest you 4 adults find a mediator of some sort to talk these issues out. Because as it stands the KIDS are the ones suffering.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 October 2014):
After you get married you are a legal guardian of his children. You don't have to tell his kids what to do. If they are able to lie to mommy while in secret being very loving to you, then it would be their decision. Their minds are growing and will soon learn that what mom can't see "did not happen." The kids are calling her boyfriend dad, so to be fair they should be able to call you mom. Just show your understanding and support. Encourage them to express their feelings as it is very confusing to have two mommies. Tell them that even though they can't live with biological mom full time she is still their mommy. It's natural for kids to want to stay loyal to mom. I know you and your fiance have talked about it and he's being rational and legal. What you need is to have a united front as to what kids share when they are at mom's place. This is very personal. Maybe your kids do not have to say what goes on in your household as long as they are safe. Same as your fiance does not want to hear that his kids are hugging the new dad either. What happens at each house stays there and should not become gossip on the other side.
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