A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not really sure where to start. I am deeply in love with a man who does love me too. But there are complications...He has a son by an ex (who is Batsh-t crazy) theyve been apart three years. He is trying to win back custody and has major drama going on.He tells me he cant make any kind of commitment until that is settled (but I wonder if it ever will)We arent even technically girfriend boyfriend. but act like we are.Ive never met his family. Just his friends. Its painful for me cuz I feel like he is my soul mate. Being with him makes everything good. BUT what keeps us apart...Does it sound like he's making excuses or is this a vaild reason to not commit to me?Should I wait around or find someone else?Im just lost
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): OP here!
Thanks for the helpful feedback really appreciate
I totally get this but at the same time I feel like having me as his support...when he has little else would be good for him in the situation!
I don't want to distract I want to help. Maybe I don't know better
We have been physical the last 6 months. Neither of us with other people
It's rough but I guess I'll have to try moving on
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): Having found myself in a situation similar to yours some time ago. My advice would be to listen to what he is saying and find someone else. This guy doesnt want a serious relationship. His attention is taken up with his ex.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 December 2012):
 Hi
I know a man who has just been through a long custody battle and believe me it was his focus in life and not alot else mattered.He may think your great but that won't matter just now.His life is complicated his emotions shred.
I think it's best to wish him all the luck in the world and let him go.If eventually he comes back with a future in mind so be it.But don't put your life on hold for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): Married couples go through life's battles together. Long term committed partners go through life together. If he doesn't want to invite you into his life then he doesn't see your relationship as being that kind of relationship. Or else he is saying he does not want this relationship to be that. Maybe he sees those kinds of relationships as also having lots of strings attached and baggage. There's nothing wrong with that. If he doesn't want to get that close to you that's his right. Just that he shouldn't lead you on. It looks like he isn't so that's good. I think you just have to accept that he doesn't want a committed relationship with you at the moment.Maybe also he thinks his psycho ex will freak out if she knows he has a new girlfriend and put up more obstacles to him being with his kid.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 December 2012):
Hi there. It can be very complicated when there are children involved, and custody battles.
In fact, it can be an absolute nightmare for another person who is seeing the one who has all these problems on his plate.
It could take some time, no doubt about that.
So I think this is why he has said this to you, in case everything goes really bad with his situation.
And in the meantime, he might NOT get the custody after all!
So what then?
Does he then keep on trying and trying yet again, to gain the custody?
This could go on for a couple of years, going to court again and again, pursuing the custody of his children.
You need to realize this, as you are missing out on chances of happiness with other nice young "available" men.
And so it could get rather lonely for you, with all this going on.
You need to keep this in mind, as time goes by.
It could start to feel like your whole life is passing you by!
Surely, you deserve better than that.
Even though you really like or love him, at the moment you are mostly good friends, and as you have stated here, you are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
So what has happened, is you are seeing a man with a lot of emotional baggage.
And this can be TOUGH.
He is thinking of you when he has said about being unable to commit to you at the moment, as he can see it is simply unfair for him to expect you to wait for him, while all this custody battle situation continues.
It's not so much that he WON'T commit to you, it's more that he can't say specifically when he could.
His top priority at the moment, is gaining the custody of his children.
And unfortunately, a relationship with you, comes second to that.
So you can't push for a relationship commitment with him, while all this is going on which is keeping him so busy with family law courts etc.
It's really taking up most of his concentration right now, to the exclusion of just about all else.
So apart from wanting to be patient with him, you would also be wise to maybe set a timeframe on how long you are prepared to play second fiddle to the custoy battle situation.
Like, would you be willing to wait 6 months?
And what is the longest period of time you would wait, before you need to make a decision about it once and for all?
There may come a time, when you WILL have to decide, where to from here?
As good ffriends as you are now, friendship is NOT really what you want is it?
And at the moment, he can't really offer you any more than friendship.
He just has WAY too much going on at the moment.
So he realistically, can't give you the time a real relationship needs.
Unfortunately, it seems as though the timing of your meeting each other, was slightly out of kilter.
It might have been much better to have met him in 1 or 2 year's time, when the custody battle had all been settled, and so at that time he would be in a whole different emotional place, than where he is right now.
And yet as I say this, everything in life happens for a reason.
Meaning, that you and him met for a reason.
Only time will tell, just what that reason is.
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