A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and everything is going great but, he says he does not want a girlfriend. He treats me like his girlfriend we go out on the weekends and stay at each others houses overnight and sometimes for the entire weekend we are together from friday to sunday night. He claims the reason he does not want a girlfriend is because his children are his priority. I totally respect that. What I don't understand is that he knows I love his kids why would he think that having a girlfriend changes his priority. Maybe I need to tell him that no matter what happens that I would never come between him and his kids I love them too much. Or maybe he is just keeping me around til he finds his true love I don't know what he is doing. All I know is that I probably care about him more than I should and I'm afraid that one day he will leave and I'll never be able to see my favorite kids anymore they are the best. I have definitely fallen for his kids more than him they are the best. I just don't know what to do. Should I wait and see what his intentions are or should I get out before I really fall in love with him and lose him and the kids. I just wish I could tell him how I feel without fear of losing what we have established so far. Looking back I wish I would have stopped seeing him months ago before I met the kids but when I met them and saw how good of a daddy he is I felt so overwhelmed with love I never had that with my dad and it just over took my heart. In fact two of his kids are not biologically his they are from his ex's previous marriage but he does not care he raised them from 1 year old and infancy to now 10 yrs later. What should I do?
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 Have you asked him the real reason why he said he does not want a g/f?
You sound like you spend quite a bit of time with him already, so you have to make sure that he has time out from his children (e.g. after they went to bed) and start a serious conversation. It may not be easy as a Question and Aswer Session on a phone-in talk show on the radio or TV, and you might need to do it over a few weekends.
You might have to "chase" the real answer (root cause) by asking repeatedly "why" after certain phrases the use. Just like a child would ask questions to his/her mother when they are curious about things.
You already have two options that you would like to do, as you posted: (a) assure him that you would not come between him and his chidlren so he should not be afraid to be committed to you, or (b) you agree to continue being his Friends With Benefits until a new "the love of his life" comes along.
If and when you do ask him with your "why" questions - emphasize that he should come clean with you - I am sure you can easily "dechipher" his answers. I would say if he is inconsistent or contradicting himself in his answers (since you didnt let up on the questions), chances are that he is either (a) not sure himself what he wants, or (b) that he just wants a warm body on weekends to cuddle up with, or (c) that he does not want his children to "lose another mother" should you and he get into a committed relationship. If he is honest with you, he will tell you exactly what he wants or does not want (from you and for his children) .
Only then - after these tough Q&A's sessions - will you be able to be enlightened regarding the whole situation.
Good luck!
Cat
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): So, your staying because of the kids, and, there not even yours. Well, my dear, your in love! Follow your heart! :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah well what do you know. The only response you could give is a cliche' come up with your own advice not greg bernhardt's.
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A
female
reader, 19agegap +, writes (27 February 2009):
he's just not that into you. move on
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