A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My dilemma is simple. I am a young single mother who has always lived in California. A year ago I met a man from Texas who was here on business but decided to let him have my number and things progressed. Because of business he was here quite a few times and even flew me me out to his home in Texas once. I have no doubts that I love this man and we have manged to keep things going so well for so long despite the distance. He has been urging me lately to move to Texas as he does not want to risk losing his well paying job. My only concern is pulling my 5 year old child away from the life and family we have here. If it was just me I would move with out thinking twice about it. But as a mother I know we make plenty of sacrifices for our children's best interest. Even just considering the idea of moving makes me feel selfish. Should I just end this relationship? Or would it really not be so bad to make this move? Please help! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 November 2013):
 I'm just chewing at the bit about this: "....And finally, yes he has told me marriage would happen...."
Please note: There is an ENORMOUS gap between "marriage WOULD HAPPEN" (some day... maybe) .... and "Marriage WILL happen(before you make this move/committment)". WHY do women have such difficulty understanding that men can - and will - say just about ANYTHING in order to get a woman who is putting out for him, under his control????????
I say, put the whole matter off until AFTER the wedding ceremony....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2013):
 Sorry but I have to disagree with the last respondent. Kids are very resilient indeed, but their resilience should not be tested unless for very serious reasons and in their best interest. I know you are sure you love this man, but... you don't know this guy that well, one year is not a long time even for really knowing someone local, and " quite a few times " in practice means that you have actually spent together, what, two weeks ,three maybe ? ...
Sure relationship0s are always potentially full of surprises and can go sour even after 20 years of marriage, but- at least do not invite surprises. Due diligence is necessary when you have a child before deciding about your future, and just " I love him " ..may not be as good a reason as it sounds.
You will say- but that's why I need to live with this man, to know him better , to see if we are compatible... which makes sense , in fact WOULD make perfect sense if you were single and alone, but you have responsibility for this child and you should not risk to shuttle him back and forth unnecessarily if things do not go as planned.
So- think about it very very well and do not move on the base of a simple " marriage would happen ". Give yourself some more time to understand if you two CAN last and once you are sure, have a ring on your finger and the wedding already planned BEFORE you move.
As for him starting plannong right away , because he is a religious man.. I wonder how actually religious can he be , if can even consider to live with you " in sin ", in fact he can't wait to do that. Sorry to sound so suspicious, but I have seen many times religion ( or politics , or other ideals ) used as a convenient cover or excuse to give people the short end of the stick.
As for " the kid will leave you in 13 years ", well, that's just my personal opinion, but FWIW, I see it the opposite way : men come and go, and your children are forever. Whether they live with you or not.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 November 2013):
 Ok in light of your follow up then I would say go for it - but only if he proposes before you move. As Sageoldguy said, you are giving up a lot to be with him, all the power is in his hands in this situation and he stands to lose nothing, whereas if this went wrong you would be a single mom in a city you dont know with no friends or family.
So unless he shows you a commitment (i.e you get engaged) I would move just yet. You are giving up a lot for him, so he needs to make a gesture to you to show that this is forever and the move will be worthwhile.
Just make sure you discuss this with your daughter's father before you make any concrete plans, he does have a right to know what is going on, so out of courtesy let him know your plans and make sure he is ok with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Kids are resilient if you support them. It will be fine if you move to TX. A serious relationship that has the potential to turn into a life partnership is important too! Your kid will be grown and leave you in 13 years time. But a life partner (husband if you believe in the institution of marriage) is to he for the rest of your life. A life partner will also be a step father to your kid so it is in your kid's best interest for you to develop a serious committed relationship too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2013):
 Ok so baby daddy is not in the California picture and could manage to see child 2 or three times a year as he does now if child is in the picture.
Man makes a good living and owns a business and has asked you to move to be with him and marry him... there is a proposal correct?
the child is 5 not 15... it's been a year...
I think you should go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): ANSWERS
Hi, I am the one who posted the question. To answer your questions, my daughters father is actively in the Marines & had decided to make that his career so he sees our daughter maybe twice or if he's lucky three times a year from anytime from a week to a month. As for him not being able to move to California it's because he owns & operates his own business. It's not just a job, I apologize I should have been more clear on that. And finally, yes he has told me marriage would happen. He has said that if I were to move he wanted to start the planning right away as he's a religious man & wants to do things as right as possible considering our situation. Thanks again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Unless this man proposes marriage, you have nothing to go on or justify uprooting your life.You knew distance was an obstacle from the start. You have to put stability and safety for your child ahead of everything.You see the possibility of a better life; but you're counting on him providing it. You have very little to go on about how things could change if you did move. If he took on all of the financial expense of transplanting your life and belongings. What's to stop you? If he is just asking you to as a whim, only for his convenience; without consideration of how it could effect you and your child in other ways. He's full of it. He's a businessman, he knows all the ramifications of making wild investments and not considering all the financial risks. Let him make you a solid offer you can't refuse. Until then, keep both feet firmly planted in California; and your arms tightly around your kid. Keep your heart safely behind lock and key, until he makes the gesture to make you all a family. Don't ever move out-of-state; unless you have a job, and a place to live (of your own) already waiting there for you. If the courtship falls through; and you end up on your own, you're all set.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2013):
I suggest that you and your son stay right where you are until/unless this Texan puts a ring on your finger and "takes the plunge."
We see so many submittals, on here, wherein a woman goes TO a man.... at which time HE acquires ALL the power in their relationship....(after all, YOU are moving to HIS turf....) It's not a "given"... but it's worthy of any woman's consideration..... and ESPECIALLY someone such as you, who has a child involved....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Would you be moving in with one another?Has this man spent much time with your daughter?Do you have a career or is that something you could look into once you have moved to texas!?I know its a big decision to make but personally i would say yes !I know you have a child to think about but it in my opinion it would be great to have your child experience a different life style and somewhat different culture! Thats how my child hood started and although i didnt always like it greatful that i got to experience different cultures and i believe it is how i would raise my child Its better then your child seeing only one way of life and living it the rest of there life espically where i originally come from ( small town small minded people)Your giving your child a great opportunity right now to develop a taste for adventure and curiousity!It would be great for yourself if you could get some part time work and take up some hobbies to make friends and not let the sole reason you are there! Create a life for yourself out there start fresh ! Remember if you dont like it you can always go backLet us know what you decide!!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 November 2013):
My first question would be why cant he move to California? Ok so he has a good job, but if he is so good at his job he should be able to find a new job in the same field in California.
Second question - what is your child's relationship like with his/her father? That will be the biggest problem in moving away, your child wont grow up with their dad in his/her life and that will definitely cause issues. Your child will one day ask why you moved him/her away from Daddy and why they dont get to see Daddy anymore. It may cause some resentment towards you when they find that you moved to be with this man - they will blame you for taking them away from their dad.
Equally you need to think about what if it didnt work out with this new man - yes it sounds like it is going well now and you have done well to keep it going despite the distance. And all relationships are risks, there is no avoiding that - but in this instance I fear the cons outweigh the pros, the potential damage to your child is far greater than what you will gain from the relationship and if the relationship went wrong it would have all been in vain.
I think you need to talk to your new man and explain your fears, and see if there is a compromise you can come to. Perhaps even if he could move closer to California and you meet him in the middle, both moving somewhere new, but closer so its not so hard for the child's father to visit.
Also speak to the child's father and explain your situation, make it clear you have made no decisions and are only contemplating it at the moment.
But really your new man should move to be with you if you have a child and he does not have children, it is unfair to the child and his/her father to take him/her so far away and it may easily cause problems in your relationship with the child as the child gets older.
Speak to both men and take it from there, but be very cautious as this is a huge risk and it could easily backfire.
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