A
male
age
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anonymous
writes: why is my wife hiding her past from me? she tells me its my problem, and not hers. she has lied to me over the years about it. we have been married for several years now 31 , while dating she said she was in love with her first, but a year or so back she tells me i am the only one she has ever been in love with? i dated her before her first had her, so was her first a fu^k buddy, just a meaningless fu^k, along with the others she fucked? a couple of years ago she tells me her first was in a white van, i bring that up a while back and she tells me she is just kidding. some reason i believe it did take place in a van. either way she caused me to have pictures in my mind of a guy on her in a van. we have been together for a long time and the fact she has made lite ,and lied to me of the subject doe's not help things. she made lite a year or so back when i ask about her first and said her cousin probably had him first before her.that hurt. she keeps things bottled up, and will not trust me enough to open up. between the lie's and the hiding things it really makes me feel like i am just number, not much more special, if any than the others. what have i done to not earn her trust no more than this, i should be the closest person on this planet she could open up too and trust. please don't give me "past is the past" ect, she chose me ect.. it doe's very little to help to read those words. i am hurting and would like to be in the closest places in my wife's life with her, and have nothing to hide from her in my life. i don't know what else to say.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 You are entitled to your feelings and your opinion of women. I am just curious what happened a year or so ago that prompted the conversation, whether she had been in love with other men or just you? Had other men kept contact with her?
If I am in love in a relationship, I just tell my man I love him. I can't imagine the need to talk about other men and comparing, because they faded in the background long time ago. So I am questioning the need to talk about the past. Are there actions where you doubt her love? Is she inattentive or withholding sex? If there is a problem in the relationship it is possible that the past had something to do with it, though I would not say this is certain. When you have bottled up issues you tackle them by dealing with them at the present moment. I don't see how going to the past could help things. For example, the sex sucks. It could be bad chemistry between you two. It could be the bordem and the long term effects of cohabitation. She could have married one of the bad guys and the sex life could still fizzle. A woman could have a totally clean past and sex with her husband could still suck.
When I read posts about retrograde jealousy the most common problem the husband has is that she gave other men things that she doesn't give to her husband, thus him feeling the unfairness.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): I am the "let me get this straight" anon and also the "blame the victim" anon. I am not the OP.Some of you act like the OP has no right to be upset that he feels his partner has lied to him just because it would upset the applecart after 30 years. So what if it does? Does he not have a right to expect honesty just because he has been denied it for a long time already? Why does the preservation of the relationship outweigh the OP's right to feel like he has an honest relationship? Who asked for help here, the OP or the wife? Who has been changing their story, the OP or the wife? Some of you have suggested that the OP is over-analyzing his wife's comments. As if he is coming up with a lie where the truth is just her fuzzy memories and changing feelings. That may indeed be part or all of what is happening. But so what if it really is all rooted in confusion? Does that make his reaction WRONG? Is he wrong for catching her story changing, inquiring further, and being upset by it when it continues to sound funny? Why is he obligated to pretend he hasn't heard anything strange here? Why does he not have the right to pursue this?That is how several of you are treating the OP. You aren't just suggesting that he should look at this differently. You are ATTACKING HIM for daring to raise some questions when he hears inconsistencies. You are ATTACKING HIM for having any emotions about this at all. You are demanding that he disregard, discredit, and ignore his feelings, all for the benefit of his wife, when she is the one changing her story and he is the one asking for help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2013):
 OP I have a question for you.
WHAT will happen if you find out that she did lie on purpose and has kept things from you... are you prepared to leave her after 31 years of marriage?
If not, what will change?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsageoldguy: your saying I should just act like it never happened, I am not wanting to scuttle everything.
I just have this nagging question of: why and what is my wife hiding from her past, and lying about it. I think because she has been so secretive, and withdrawn of that time period that is something that really troubles me.
looking back I guess I should have talked this over with her before I ever placed a ring on her finger.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Is it so, that the submittal that starts "...Let met get this straight, everyone..." is from the original poster?
IF "yes," then you, Sir, have made it clear that you are not going to let go of this until you make it an issue in your marriage..... which "issue" is sure to scuttle the whole thing.
IF that is you... then why did you even bother to post this submittal in the first place? Why didn't you just plunge right in... and say to wifey: "I now KNOW that you were a 'Ho 31 years ago... and, now, I happen to realize that you aren't good enough for me... so let's throw away what WAS (or, seemed to be) a marriage... and each of us can go on our separate ways..."?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks for the reply's YOU WISH :you had some good points that got me to think on. CODE WARRIOR: i am sorry my post confused you, i was trying to pen down my thoughts as it came to me. it has been a long time looking back several years back 31 of them, not a few years 3 or 4. your reply at first was the most attacking and least helping.
When my wife and I got back together while dating she confessed lightly on the subject, I was just happy to be back with her and I suppressed it to the back of mind. sure it still bugged me, and hurt. I thought after we were married she would open up and want to talk about it and our lives, but she never did.
I have kept it pretty much suppressed over the years till two or three years ago ( which is a few years: code warrior) when I started to ask some questions.(I felt like I have been kept in the dark long enough.) the questions I ask her, some of the answers was different from the answers I received years ago before we married.(her memory could be repressed or fuzzy over the years, or hiding things she is ashamed of and doe's not want to bring out to me??? I have not hounded her for thirty plus years of marriage. I guess I hit a point of despair, I love her so much it still hurts that I was not in her life at that time to protect her.
"anonymous male" from the top: "let me get this straight everyone" I have to agree with you on your view points.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 November 2013):
She doesn't feel like digging up the past is connecting with you on a soulful level, but more like an interrogation. You need to find something else that you can both share and enjoy.
Don't try to analyze a woman. Sometimes they don't make sense to you. If you were to take word for word of what she's saying you would be incredibly frustrated. Her first relationship probably didn't work out, for whatever reason.
Why don't you just ask her what is it about you that's so special to her? Why not just take her to a white van and do it?
You two obviously have different ideas of what closeness mean. If you were my husband I would feel very distant from you because these questions would push me away.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Let met get this straight, everyone.
If the truth was kept quiet long enough to get a good relationship out of it, that makes it okay to hide it? The deception becomes so justified that the deceived partner actually becomes wrong for objecting?
I'm glad you people don't teach classes on morality.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 November 2013):
To the OP: My comment... your comment... and the additional dialogue on here.... It "tells" me that you are looking for some sort of grief to have in your marriage... and we have uncovered that it is YOUR grief, not HER's...
.... AND, you can paint it any way you wish... but you can't change the facts... that you are casting back oh-so-many years.... and looking for a "problem" that really doesn't exist....
Please.... spend some time alone... and some time with wifey.... and decide if this submittal REALLY needed to be made, in the first place...
I'm wagering that your marriage is a darn-site better than you thought when you posted this.... AND ... given time to contemplate matters, you will agree.... and will let this unnecessary jealousy go... and finish your life with this lovely woman who has put up with your B/S for an awful long time....
Good luck....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2013):
OP,
As I have aged I have refined my idea of what love is and/or was... so folks I THOUGHT I loved back in the day I now realize I did not love them.
with maturity and age comes wisdom.
She's revamped her ideas of the past.
This was THIRTY ONE YEARS AGO... why is this still being brought up by either of you?
The thing is this is over and done... you have had THREE DECADES together as husband and wife... are you going to end the marriage because of things that happened before you were married?
what is your reason for bringing this up now?
what makes you think that after being with you for 31 years and building her life with you that you are not her number one? because of things so far in the past that she may not even recall them properly? Yeah she's right it is your problem and your issue but you bringing it up makes it her problem too...
If you were my husband and you brought this crap up to me we'd be going to counseling so you could have a professional tell you it's TIME TO LET IT GO....
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 November 2013):
When you were dating then how could she be in love with another guy? You were a rebound or something? Did the real meaning of the story get lost in translation? Or did you suspect that she married you because you gave her stability, but she never really fancied you? Do you suspect the whole marriage is a lie?
Let me speak to you on behalf of your wife, and say you are not Adonis, but she matured to know that you are good enough as a husband because it's useless to chase after bad boys and long term relationships are more practical for her life. But the sex was more passionate with bad boys. Then what? What are you going to do with that information? What if this information is what she is hiding?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 November 2013):
 Oh, and I bet it was in a van, but what husband keeps bringing stuff up after how many years?!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
Anon male, the moderators don't reject posts because of dissenting opinions. However, being too harsh and attacking other posters or the OP will get an answer rejected.
That being said, I don't like lying in a marriage or a relationship. However, I read through this post twice and couldn't see an example of a lie!
Back in the beginning of a marriage, the OP's wife said she loved an ex who was her first, and then a year ago, she said it wasn't love and it was meaningless? I don't see that as a lie. I see it as time causing a change in perspective.
I see no other example. So, a white van? I think he's more throwing a tantrum because she's not giving him repetitive details over and over about everyone she slept with 30 years ago. I don't see the lie here.
Is there something I'm not seeing, except being mad that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Perhaps "nobody agrees with the OP" because the answers at Dearcupid are sometimes subject to censorship. I have had my comments about sexual history lies dropped off this site before, for no other discernible reason than because they conflicted with the general tone of everyone else saying "shut up and forget about it!"Why is it the OP's problem to accept lies about this? People are not expected to accept lies from their partner about anything else in life, why sexual history? Just because it matters to a lot of men and women wish it didn't? Is that a valid justification? The OP's feelings are not going to stop hurting just because some of you think he should not care. And no matter how much easier it would make things (for his wife) this cannot be made into his fault. This one-sided "blame the victim" attitude displayed here is not being right or fair. It is just seeking to impose other people's values on the OP. His only crime was expecting honesty from his wife when she stood to benefit more by lying about herself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): What do you think will change between you if your wife tells you everything about her past? The things she has told you so far have upset you and caused you to question her further, so why would you want to know more? I don't think your wife should be lying to you, but I think she is doing it because she is trying to play her past down to stop you questioning her more about it and upsetting yourself. Can you not see that this isn't helping your marriage at all? You're torturing yourself by asking for information that is going to haunt your mind. The solution is to stop asking! I'd strongly suggest a counsellor so you can get past this issue and start to become closer to your wife again. And to say that after 31 years of marriage you are 'just a number' to her is ridiculous! You two have made a life together and that means far more than any experimentation she did when she was younger.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 November 2013):
The fact that you dated her 30+ years ago then she dated someone else after DOESN'T CHANGE A THING! She still wasn't with you.
I'd even say that if she chested on you, after 31 years it doesn't matter! I was in diapers when this happened and I have kids of my own now. Let it go! If you can't then go see a counselor and stop bugging your wife.
You'll notice here that nobody agrees with you. What does that tell you? And, no, the answer isn't "explain yourself better", that doesn't matter. NONE of the details in your question matter. Did you also notice that people didn't refer to any of the details in their answers? That's because the issue here is your obsession with your wife's past and nothing else.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Your wife is hiding her past from you and being deliberately vague or contradictory, because , I bet, after 31 years she is sick and tired of having to be given the third grade by her own husband, she feels there's no use rehashing old ( and private ) scenarios, and very intelligently she does not want to give you fodder to feed your unhealthy obsessions.
Your insecurities and compulsions are YOUR problem, not hers, and if she is sick and tired to have to constantly reassure a grown up man - who's been married with her for the last 31 years- that no, he is the most important, number one, the cherry on her cake etc.etc.,,, well, she's only human, every patience has a limit. If you can't figure out ny yourself that, if you had not been important to her, or more important than anybody else- she would have LEFT you in all this time- I don't blame her for not wanting to have to tiptoe around your wounded ego.
What difference does it make, if it was a van ? because now you have " visions " of a man on a van ? Well, if she had told you that it was a limo, you'd have visons of a man on a limo. If she had told you it was a horse cart, now you would have visons of a man in a horse cart.
The problem is not that your wife maybe lost her virginity in a van, or maybe it was not a van but a limo- the problem is that you , apparently, have got nothing better to engage your God given brain and feelings than " visions " of how and how and where your wife lost her virginity ages ago, which, since you were NOT together at the time, it's not even any of your concern to begin with.
So you are hurting and everybody should bow down in fron of your hurt and it should justify any kind of inappropriate behaviour of yours. I am sorry that you are hurting, at the same time I think your wife must feel very hurt too by your invasiveness and mistrust and insistence in bringing up things that are doing absolutely nothing to protect harmony and closeness between you , in other words by the involuntary yet bothersome arrogance of your Retrograde jealousy and your obsessive thoughts, - and if she is using any method avaiable to her, including making lights of things, kidding, or giving multiple answer, to protect herself by HER hurt- and annoyance, what can I say, I just can't blame her.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
Your wife knows you best in the world. I'm guessing that talking about her former sex life before you is something that you've brought up on a regular basis, and it wasn't just now after 31 years??
She most likely cued in on your obsessive tendencies on that subject, right? 31 years ago, and you're still obsessed over whether her cousin has slept with a guy before she did.
I also want to tell you something as well. As we get older, we tend to change our view of our past relationships, and what she may have thought was love when she was young, she may have realized wasn't even close now that she's older and more mature. When I was in 1st grade, I thought I was in love with a boy who rode the bus with me. I can laugh now and say it was a crush. When I was in the summer before 10th grade, I thought I was in love with a guy. Now, looking back with a more mature woman's intellect, I know it was infatuation and a love for adventure, but not love.
Why can't she change her mind about what love is? She may have said she was in love before, only to know now after having spent her life in love with you that what she had with that guy was a hollow shadow of love.
She is closing off now from you because you're emotionally tearing at her for things that happened over 30 years ago, and you are really hurting her. She's given you her best years, her best life, her devotion, her body, and her heart, and when she hears you getting wound up about her past sex life, you're spitting on that love.
I can understand if she cheated on you, but she hasn't. I've been married 15 years, and I can't remember some of the names of the guys I dated before! Her memory is fuzzy now because she isn't that young girl she once was.
You have to do something about that obsessive urge in you, or you're going to destroy a 31 year marriage. She's closing off because to go into details with you would be suicide for both of you. You think anything she says will give you relief or peace of mind? No way! Some little detail about who used to sleep with someone she slept with over 30 years ago has you freaking out. She gets that you're obsessed, so she's being very smart. Now you're obsessed with her not wanting to talk about it. How the hell can she possibly win??
You've been married 31 years. At what point do you decide that your marriage trumps anything she's ever done in her past?? She's right - you need to change, and if you can't do it yourself, you may need to talk to someone.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 I think she doesn't tell you things because you stew over them, not because she doesn't trust you. So she's learnt to make little white lies which she then forgets (it's easier to forget lies than the truth) and you 'catch her out'.
She sees no point discussing things from her life before she met you, as it clearly riles you up. She actually has a right to keep these things private.
You're clearly not just a number, you've been married for 31 years!
You weren't that young when you got married, I'm assuming she wasn't either and therefore it's totally normal that she had a sexual past.
I agree with person12345 that this sounds like retrograde jealousy. I think you should focus on dealing with that issue and stop obsessing about the past. You could end up pushing your wife away if you continue with this, which is the very opposite of what you want. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question CMMP & sageoldguy1465 if you will read my second paragraph i stated (I dated her before her first had her) I was a part of her life before she gave her self to this guy. I never forced myself on her, i was apart of her before she had a past.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): It would all be your problem to deal with if she hadn't lied. But your responsibility to accept something ends when her lying/omitting about it starts. The fact that the lying or the event was in the past is not relevant.
You are responsible to accept who she was when you married her. But you cannot be held responsible to accept things that she deceived you about back then. This is the only viewpoint that is fair to you. No amount of excuses to make it your problem now ("time has gone by" and "she was a different person then" or "She cannot undo the past" etc) is fair to you in the slightest.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 November 2013):
 She is right. This IS your problem, not hers. You have something called retrograde jealousy, which is very similar to/a form of OCD. It is serious and has the potential to wreck your marriage. The reason she is not opening up to you is not because she doesn't trust you or is hiding something, it is because you are interrogating her and then punishing her regardless of what she tells you.
The only way you can get over this is to seek help for your OCD in this with a professional. Many people benefit from medication.
You should also look up the poster "Yos" on here as he is the resident expert in this topic.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2013):
What happened before she met you is really none of your business.... except and unless SHE chooses to bring it up. I'd suggest that you find other things to occupy your mind. THIS (subject) can only be destructive to your marriage and relationship.... and serves no current purpose
to be a topic of discussion between the two of you....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): If you didn't worry about your wife's past before you asked her to marry you, what difference does it make 31 years later?You are suffering a middle-aged crisis and maturing is making you look back on the past with regret and introspection. You are having personal issues about your virility and manhood, and craving reassurances from your mate. She may not recall all of her past in detail; and may have spiced it up to push your buttons. She has created a mystique about herself to keep you on your toes.The thing is, unless she can provide an autobiographical documentary film of her past-life; all you've got to go on is her word.You and I are mature enough to know that our partners will embellish on their past. After an argument, they can recall details of past lovers that always make us seem inferior.If you watch porn, flirt, sneak out to play golf, masturbate in secret; consider her lies a little spousal-vengeance.What proof is there, but a story to pluck a sensitive nerve? She is teasing you most of the time; because she may know of times when she may have felt you didn't appreciate her. That you may have been too flirtatious, or she may have found out some of "your" hidden little dirty secrets.Everyone has secrets. We don't share each and every one.Men pride themselves on their sexual conquests. Roles are reversing; women are inclined to do the same. Thank the talk-shows, evolution; and a fast-tracked/effective women's movement.After thirty years, it's hard to define the lines between fact and fiction. She may share her fantasies; because it sparks your libido, and she enjoys seeing you jealous.If secrets consistently appear out of nowhere, they may fictitious. Inconsistency is proof of it.Here's how you get through it. Just tell her you love her in spite of all that old crap she makes up to get you going.It's the present you're living in, the future that you're hoping for.I lost my partner of 28 years to cancer. I miss him everyday I open my eyes. If secrets or lies about things that happened 28-years ago was all that bothered me; I'd be happy just to have him here with me. May you have another 31 years, and she's still around to keep coming up with taller tales to piss you off!
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reader, CMMP +, writes (18 November 2013):
People have the right to secrets as long as they don't involve you, and this happened before you met so you should drop it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): I feel for you in your situation but you just stated that your wife said you are the first she has truly loved i mean after 31 years thats a remarkable time to be with somebody and i dont think she would have spent that amount of her life with you if she did not love you as much as she does!Why do you feel the need to ask these questions?You said you got a distasteful image of a man on top of her in a van? And it hurt your feelings. So why keep asking these questions are you trying to cause pain to yourself? Your wife has a past just the exact same way that you have a past before this woman became your wife ! You have been together for a long time so why are these small details playing on your mind ? If i were your wife i wouldnt want to tell you about my past before you seeing how you are over thinking things in your mind and how im guessing these are probably causing arguments in your household.I would advise counselling sessions where you can talk about your feelings in a neutral place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): You say you want to be in the closest places in your wife's life with her. You are. Do you really think that she considers her old sexual encounters to be "close" places? I doubt it. She probably is ashamed of many if not all of them, which is why she would joke about the van... she's ashamed. That was her way of telling you, since she probably didn't want to hide it forever... without having to own up to how it makes her feel inside, which probably is not a good feeling.I think you know as well as anyone that you are in no way "just a number". "Just a number" is someone you have a one night stand with, not someone you dedicate that much of your life to. You KNOW that. Don't let this convince you otherwise.If it is bothering you, go to her about it. She knows you best, tell her that you need help getting over what she said, even if she was just joking, because it's bothering you emotionally and you're seeing her in that van, when you don't want to imagine her with anyone except you. Tell her that you aren't dwelling on the past, you know those people are long gone, but that you just need to feel that she can share her feelings about that with you without joking. She should understand. Remember to follow it up with a hug and make sure you aren't sounding like you're blaming her for her past. :)good luck
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 It sounds like for whatever reason she is not interested in being honest let alone wanting to discuss her past? To avoid her lying can you not let this go, are you unhappy with her, is she not a good wife, do you think she is unfaithful.
If are happy and trust her, then leave the past behing and concentrate on the wife she is and whether you are happy with her.
Assume she tells you that she had some wild life, are you going to divorce her? Is her past that important that you will risk your marriage and peace of mind to uncover?
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