A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am writing on here for help, please give me your honest thoughts. Can someone changeI am 22 and been married for 6 months. My husband has always been emotionally abusive but I have always forgiven him, I left him once but went back. He has pushed me a few times in the past and kicked me out of our home several times to teach me a lesson...I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby, my oh was excited and he changed during my pregnancy, we got married and he controlled his anger...I thought we were happy but now the baby here its going back to how used too be.My husband can be very nice and loving towards me then something will happen and he will snap, he has called me all sorts of names, has locked me out of the car while he stayed inside with our baby girl...has been critcal about my parenting skills and has grabbed my wrist in anger leaving me with a red mark. He screams at me and has done so in front of our baby who been scared. He throws things in anger tooI have to ask him to say sorry and he never takes fault. Everything is my fault in his eyes, always.BUT then after he can be so loving and it's like it never happened and I wonder if I imagined it or if I overreacted or caused him to shout etc? I have put up with a lot from him but now we have a baby I do not want her to be effected. Yet I don't want to leave and for her not to have a father there all the time etc. I want know I am not overreacting. He is not abuisve all the time.Do you think I should leave or try work it out?
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emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): Work what out? You have nothing.
I feel sorry for you. I was raised in a situation like that and I will never forgive my mother for forcing me to be raised in that situation.
From what I can tell I'm one of those very rare people that has not become abusive or go off the rails because of it. The only long lasting effect it's had is that I'm deeply cynical and very intolerant of even minor infractions.
Don't for one second think you're somehow a magician that is able to keep your child out of it. My mother thought that too. Imagine how she felt when I told her I was crushed every time it happened and that even to this day and for the rest of my life I will consider her a selfish hitch for not thinking of what was best for me. She had a duty if care but she was too weak. I love her but she doesn't deserve to be forgiven for that.
Good luck OP you're raising your little girl to accept and be abused by men because mommy let daddy do that to her so it must be okay.
A
female
reader, CANDY61  +, writes (7 June 2012):
Babygirl, if I were you I would leave this abusive guy tomorrow until he grows up and learn how to control his temper, call you names, screams at you, push you, grabbed your wrist, throw thing out of anger, how much more does he has to do to you for you to wake up?
If he keep this up...throwing things... someone is going to get seriously physically hurt...either you, him or the baby. This guy has some serious issues and need to get help right away. He's the one overreacting.
Can you move back temporary with your parents or a relative until things iron out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): This is not a good relationship. Already it is showing signs of being very abusive. Charming one minute, abusive the next. This is not normal, and he is going to gradually going to wear down your confidence, making to feel it's your fault he's this way. You are young, keep close to your family, and seriously consider leaving him. This is not love - it's about power and manipulation. And your child will sense it too. Be strong, no one deserves to live life with a bully, because that's what he is.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 June 2012):
The person who stated below that this is typical activity of an abuser is right on the money.
Abusive some of the time = abuser.
Unfortunately, you now have a child with this person. To a degree, you are now stuck with him for the rest of your life.
He will not change, except perhaps for the worse. If thats ok with you, stay. If not, well.....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 If you want your baby to grow up in an abusive household, learning the abusive patterns of his father or the accepting victim patterns of her mother, stay with him.
If you believe your husband has the potential to change, then yes, give it a go, but only with professional help, counselling for you both and an admittance on the part of both of you that your current relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Without that, nothing will change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): Hi, I hope that this helps you.A partner does not have to be abusive towards you all the time to be considered abusive. There are usually intervals of tenderness and sweetness and the abuser seemingly making amends and being very apologetic. Just when you think they have changed, Something will trigger the real them to surface again.That is the typical pattern of an abuser. Usually because the abuse is followed by such sweetness and remorse, and them being on their best behaviour for a while that the person who is being abused begins to wonder if they are over-reacting, and if it really is as bad as they thought, maybe if they did things different, their abusive partner might not get so upset or out of control next time.You need to seek counselling for yourself first. You are in an unhealthy marriage and the evidence is there that he takes things out on you and crosses the line leaving marks on you. This is not ok!Dont second guess yourself. Do not question your intuition. You know this is wrong and thats why you posted this question.He has no right to push you, to grab you, to belittle you, call you names, take things out on you. The baby will grow up and pick up on all of this. He will continue his cycle of abuse followed by his cycle of being on good behaviour which is always temporary. A counsellor will talk you through the patterns of abuse, and give you tools, self esteem and good advice in helping you make the right decision for you and your baby.Good luck xx
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