A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am having a hard time reconnecting with my mother in law and don't know if I should.My mother in law has always been pretty nice to me, even though she said something very offensive about me before we even met. She did not want her son (my now-husband, we recently married) dating me. He stood up for me and since I met her she had been nothing but nice... to my face.One of my big problems is this: about 4 years ago my husband and I were still dating and after a huge fight were going to break it off. He got a hotel room that night and called his mom to talk as he was distraught. His mother made a comment to him basically saying it was probably for the best since his family member said that I said I would ________ **extremely offensive, big fat lie**.The next morning we made up and he told me this. I was shocked. Once his family member and I had a conversation where I said I had known people who would do **extremely offensive, big fat lie** but I never said I would do something so horrible. Needless to say, since then my relationship with that family member has been strained at best because I was so angry about that. About a year ago, though, I started realizing that I was probably blaming the wrong person. I mean, this family member always seemed mystified about my anger, and I just took that as their personality--this is the kind of person where if you do not want to talk to them, whatever. This family member also really had no reason to make up something so horrible about me.Meanwhile, someone who didn't want me dating her son in the first place did. Someone who wanted to make sure her son did not make up with me when we were broken up. I discussed this with my husband at the time and he agreed, visibly upset, that this was likely true.My husband hasn't discussed any of our personal business with his mother for years. This is where another problem comes in: I found out a while ago that one of the reasons why is because when he speaks with his mother on the phone (they talk maybe once a week) she talks a lot of shit about her other kids' spouses. We both agreed that there is a good chance that she could be talking shit about me to her other kids just like she does with him.Because we now live far away from my mother in law, I've handled this by doing nothing--I just try to avoid contact, but it's not as if a lot of opportunities to see or talk to each other come up anyway. I rarely check my email or social media, so if she tries to contact me I won't know. I admit that part of me does this on purpose because I don't want to or know how to respond.She has always been incredibly generous and nice to me... but all this stuff piling up makes it hard for me to want to talk to her. I guess I would just rather have no relationship than a fake one. I don't know if I am overreacting or not, either. I am pretty sensitive when it comes to family issues. My own family and I aren't close because they're not the greatest people, either. I have been estranged from my own mother for years. I think this is some of the reason why all of this bothers me so much... I thought I was getting this great mom but now I feel like she's only great on the surface. I do not think she really likes me. I think she pretends to so as not to lose contact with her son, who would cease contact if she were mean to me and she knows it.Should I confront my mother in law, get all of this in the open to try and mend things from there? Do I just give it another shot without saying anything because we're family and she's always been nice to my face? Or do I just keep doing what I'm doing and dread the holiday season? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 As you have written yourself, you have mother issues, that's why the rift with your mother-in-law leaves you uneasy , feeling a void that wants to be filled.
But, just ask around, and you'll see there IS life without MILs, even the nice, well meaning ones, let alone the catty, backstabbing ones.
Life is too short to spend it ingratiating people who does not like us- and that we basically don't like. She is your husband's mother, and as such you owe her formal respect and courtesy- and to let her have access to her son and grandkids. Nothing more.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Don't complain about her, to your husband, as it will put him in a distressing situation where he will feel he has to take sides. Even though his Mom is in the wrong he doesn't want to lose his relationship with her. If you have a problem with her then be a grown up and talk directly to her and leave him out of it. If you don't want to do that then just ignore her. Like you said, no relationship is better than a fake insincere one and if you're living your life just fine without her in it then no reason you have to change anything. Just don't get in your husband's way if he wants to spend time with her on his own. Realize that it is very common for parents to dislike their kids' spouses and feel said spouses are not good enough for their precious kids. My mom doesn't seem to like anyone’s spouses whether it is mine or her sisters' or her brother's or her father's. But she is nice to their faces. Talk about them in private.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 March 2013):
Hi there. Is your mother in law on her own, or is she with her husband?
The reason I ask this, is that if she was on her own, she might be a bit lonely and bitter.
And even if she is with her husband, she might not be happy with her own life and so tries to meddle in other people's lives instead.
Believing she could help.
With regards to whatever nasty comment that was made about you, perhaps there is some jealousy there towards either you or your husband.
It could be jealousy by her - if she sees that you are happy when she might not be.
Or, if not that, another member of your husband's family (a male), might be jealous of him and when you were temporarily separated before you got married, this person might have had designs on getting together with you, should you not get back together.
There is a lot of jealousy in the world these days unfortunately, and it can lead to a lot of nasty story telling about other people.
The main thing though, is that your husband knows what is the truth and what isn't.
And that is the most important, surely.
There really is no purpose to trying to work things out with your mother-in-law, because she is like that with all her in-laws, and it is very unlikely that she will ever change.
I am not saying - forget she exists - just more that when there comes the occasion that you all get together for some major celebrations, that you just be respectful and enjoy yourself, regardless.
Because, as you have said here, whenever you see her she is always nice to you, as she is to everyone.
All parents want the best for their kids, and on the days when she or anyone else in her family badmouths someone, it might be one of those days when they are complaining about lots of things in their lives generally.
So maybe, try not to take it so personally.
There's nothing much you can do about it anyway, is there?
It looks as though she will always do it, so you need to learn to ignore whatever you hear.
You can't afford to be drawn into these comments that are made, as what could inevitably happen, is that it will cause a lot of strain on your relationship with your husband, and really it isn't worth it.
Just so long as you and your husband are genuinely happy with each other, and you really care about each other, then surely that's all that matters.
Does it really matter what other people think?
It's not their business.
Your relationship with your husband, is yours and his business only, and no-one else.
What might be useful in future, would be that whenever your husband talks to his mother, that whatever she says to him, he ought to be keeping it to himself.
Because, to tell you, only causes all sorts of problems, which could be completely avoided - by NOT telling you.
Whatever his mother tells him about you, should stay between him and her only.
And then he can choose to ignore it altogether.
And part of the problem may be, that he tells her too much of your private life - which is only between you and him.
It is actually possible to tell family too much.
They DO NOT need to know every tiny little detail, and they certainly do not need to be told about any problems or relationship problems that may exist.
Those kinds of things, should ONLY be discussed between you and him - and not another living soul.
And this goes for you also.
Not discussing any problems with your family or friends.
And as well as not telling family all the nitty gritty things that happen in your relationship, the same goes for telling friends.
You see, what happens when you start airing the dirty laundry with family and friends, is they all have an opinion which then sways or has the power to sway that person, to their way of thinking.
And it certainly can have some very destructive influence over people, for sure.
And it therefore, has the power to destroy relationships as a direct result.
Because then, there are too many people involved, all trying to help - and believing that their advice could help - when what really happens, is it CONFUSES the issue and clouds the judgement.
And if anything, it will at the very least, cause many arguments between the two people in the relationship.
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