A
female
age
36-40,
*ed_head
writes:My boyfriend of 16months broke up a month ago, it was a long distance relationship and we saw each other about every 3weeks and talked everyday for about an hour about everything! The reason for us breaking up is he found it had gotten too hard with the distance, especially since we just spend a month together in the summer and he missed me too much when i wasnt there. (even tho i was planning on moving there next summer, he said it was too long till then and it wasnt for sure i was going to be able to move). In the week after he broke up he called everyday, i think mostly because he was coming to see me in the weekend so we could talk about things. The weekend when he came over was lovely, we had a lovely time, maybe it was a bit too much like we were still together. In the week after that, he called everyday, and I had to tell him to stop as it was making it harder for me, cause it seemed like we were still going out. He told me he was confused and didnt know whether he had made the right decision or not, but on the following monday he said he still couldnt decied and didnt want to drag it out any further for me not knowing so he was going to stay with the original decision to break up. He cried on the phone, and he cried while he came to visit me (we both did, alot).Its been about 2 weeks now since he said he was sticking with the original decision, and we arent talking cause its too hard for me. But lately ive been wanting to write to him to tell him how i feel and that i miss him, but i cant deceid if thats a good idea or not? i should really respect his decision and not make it harder, and It will hurt so much if he doesnt reply. I dont know how to start moving on, i think about him alot during the day, and i miss him constantly! its really hard not talking to him, when im used to telling him everything...should i contact him or would that be stupid (i obviously still want to be with him)? or should i start moving on, if so how do i do that?
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female
reader, red_head +, writes (16 October 2007):
red_head is verified as being by the original poster of the question This was always a long distance relationship, im danish but grew up in china and have friends all over the world, so i meet him through an english friend of mine who went to the same uni as him.
Hes english and lives in england, and im studying in denmark. I have applied to go to university in england from summer 2008, but he cant move here cause of his job. It would also be easier for me to move here as i speak the language and he doesnt speak danish.
He is worth fighting for, but i think i might give it some time before i write to him, its only been 2weeks since we last spoke, so i think ill give it some time to settle a bit more, even though its really hard. Im scared ill push him away if i try and fight for it, i have told him all the good things about our relationship before when we just broke up, so i dont want to push him away if i keep telling him and not respecting that this is his decesion.
A
female
reader, Lilli b  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Why was this a long distance relationship? Did one of you move away or was it always this way?
I can understand it feeling difficult to sustain a relationship at a distance particularly as your feelings grow and deepen and it feels like perhaps the relationship should move to the next level like living together or moving towards marriage but ultimately whilst the distance might make things difficult I can't understand the impulse to throw it all away if the person feels like the right one
You can't make your boyfriend change his mind or feel differently although it seems clear from what you say that his feelings are confused and it sounds like his confusion is built on the fact that he has strong feelings for you but is unable to deal with the distance rather than a fading of feelings.
So you have to forget, for the moment, how he feels and focus on how you feel. Are your feelings for him strong enough to make you want to fight for this relationship?
You speak of moving to be close to him. What is stopping you now or what is stopping him moving to be close to you? If the relationship is important you will find a way. But even if practicalities mean you can't be geographically close at the moment it doesn't make it impossible, after all many long term relationships and marriages are based on foundations where one partner lives away for significant periods (the forces for example) and it doesn't have to jeopardise the relationship.
Work out whether this relationship is worth fighting for - for you not for him, and if you feel a desire to write then write. It's true, he might not reply but at least that will help you move on if that is required, you will know you did everything to save the relationship.
When you write - if you are keen to continue with this - point out the positives, that you speak every day, that you share so much and although you can't physically be together every day that you have so much going for you (many couples who see each other every day barely speak).
Introduce a solution to bring your 'dream' future of being together into reality and stop focusing on the problem of being apart at this time. If he still thinks it is too hard then perhaps he hasn't got what it takes to build this long distance thing into something fulfilling in the future. We live in a world of instant gratification where we want what we want and we want it now - a year from now is not good enough. Well if you are both sure that each of you are perfect for one another, the distance of time and space need not be a problem but something that you can look at as a way of building what you have now and what you want for the future.
Good luck x
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