A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here's some background on the situation. I'm 18. All last summer, I carried on an Internet relationship with a 40-something-year-old man. At that point, I was 17, so obviously we could not do more than talk online. We met in person years earlier, so it wasn't like we were total strangers, and we talked on a just-friends basis for several months before the relationship developed. I was very much in love with him and I believe that his feelings were genuine also. Eventually we were talking for hours every night. There were some things he did that I didn't really like, though, chiefly the way he was constantly friending half-naked women right under my nose (and commenting on their pictures). I finally asked him what was up with that. He claimed it was just because he needed more people to play the stupid online games with. I told him I was not okay with it, and that I needed some time away from the relationship because I felt I was too young. He told me that he would stop and that he would wait as long as it took for me. I believed him.At the time when I broke things off, my parents also found out about the relationship (I hadn't told them). Most trouble I've ever been in. They were convinced that I was only a conquest to him and that he was a total no-good. I had considered the possibility that he was only after the sex, of course, but even now, I don't think that was the case. Obviously he wanted it (so did I) but he always told me that he would not try to make me do anything I did not want to and that he would wait for as long as I needed. Anyways, it's all smoothed over now with my parents, but at the time they told me that if I persisted in seeing him, I would not be welcome in the house any more.So I went several months without talking to him. Then one day I found him back on the social networking site doing the same thing with the half naked girls. He also said on his page that he was looking for dating. I was really upset and emailed him telling him that I would not be back and that I wanted no contact with him in the future. He offered no explanation for his behavior, but told me that he was sorry for screwing things up, that he hoped I found someone better than him and that he hoped we could be friends again someday.It's been about a month since that happened. I really miss him. I don't think we are compatible any more - we have different relationship values and my heart has already been broken, I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to attempt to rekindle a romantic relationship with him. Then again, I still love him very much as a person - flaws and all - and I wish we could be friends again. I feel very comfortable talking with him and we like talking about the same off-the-wall stuff. We always got along so well. But my parents would be furious if they found out I was talking to him again, it would probably break my dad’s heart, and maybe being friends with this guy would only lead to more grief. I don’t know. But I’m 18 and I think I can choose my own friends. I honestly don’t want a romantic relationship with this man anymore, I just miss him as a person.Thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking the time to give me such honest advice. It makes sense and I really appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Hi I just wanted to chime in. Cerb was asking me a little while ago to explain why we women put such importance in words alone. (Im his girlfriend by the way :D). He showed me this question as an example of what he ment so I thought Id give my two cents on this.
He wont mind me telling you this (even if he does I dont care Im going to tell you anyway ^_^) When we started going out he too tried this kind of thing with me, he was all flowery romantic phrases and cheesey lines from movies. I thought it was cute (otherwise I would have told him where to go lol) but he had the behaviour to back it up. We were friends a good while before we got together so he didnt have to sweet talk me into anything I knew him quite well.
When he told me I was special to him, I could see in his eyes that I was, I could see that because he was there in front of me, not at the end of a cable on a computer in some basement. Not only that but he showed me I was special, he took me places, brought me out, showed me off, stopped flirting with other girls, stopped asking girls out, we have some mutual female friends that he used to be very physically affectionate with (you know long hugs, holding hands, cuddling that sort of thing) he stopped all that as soon as he realized he wanted me. I felt like the only girl that truly mattered to him because thats the way he acted.
He made a concerted effort to SHOW ME and PROVE to me that what he was saying was true. It is actions that are the true mark of a persons intentions, words can mean a lot, and I must admit Im a sucker for beautiful words and Cerb says the best of them (although he can be full of shit sometimes too :P) Most of the time I know he means what he says not because he says he does, in fact living with Cerb has thought me that if a guy has to say he "means" something then very often its not true (yes baby you cant fool me ;) )
OP its time for you to go out and physically date guys your age. Online relationships with some sweaty, greasy old loser that spends all his time masturbating to internet porn and sweet talking teenage girls to use them for sex are not going to be good for you. Trust me. His opinion of you doesn't matter because from the start he was using you. Put your chin up, go out and buy some new clothes, new makeup and new shoes and go out and have some fun. There's no use sitting at home in front of your computer wishing you can have things, you should be out there getting those things :D.
Let the lads who can have healthy relationships with you, show you how special you really are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): I really should write a book directed at women called "Actions speak louder than words!"
Really, this the one of the tens of posts I've replied to recently where a woman takes what a guys says as being true or being his true intentions when the things he's done says that this is not the case. You want what he said to be true so badly that you're ignoring what he is doing, who he really is and you're just lost in the fantasy of his empty romantic words.
No wonder girls love Twilight so much. The thing that girls don't seem to realize about Twilight is Edward Cullen actually backs up his words with actions. Beyond the beautifully written, cheesy romantic stuff he says he actually fights off baddies and doesn't sit at home on his own in front of a computer 24/7 sleazing on half naked insecure teenage girls.
Trust me OP, we guys will say anything to get a girl to bed, if we think the prize is sweet enough (like a teenage girl to a 40+ year old man is) then we'll spend a long time saying those things too. Because it's very easy, especially if it's an online thing because she can't see your face. You can sit there in your underwear, talk to 4 or 5 girls at once, google open in your browser to search cute romantic phrases from the bible and other sources, have another tab open to search for the meanings of the youth culture things she has mentioned so you can pretend you know what she's talking about. You can go on her myspace, facebook, twitter and find out her interests, read a bit about those things online and pretend to like them too. You can use any number of things to make an emotional connection with her.
Trust me, me and you could go online and chat (that's not an offer hehe) and within an hour I'd have you feeling a sense of an emotional connection. Because guys my age know what girls your age want and I'm only in my 30's. Now if I was bothered I could become your best friend in about a month, all I'd have to do is say the right things, show some interest, find common things to talk about and this is the really important one: listen to your problems, tell you they're not stupid problems and advise you on how to solve them, nothing would ever be your fault, and you'd always have me to help you with them (or so I'd tell you anyway).
I bet he's played all the cards in this respect, you're different, special, mature for your age, so easy to talk to, you're so wise, you're a lot smarter than girls your age, I don't normally talk to girls your age but I can't help it with you, do you think it's creepy that I'm so old lol, no your problems aren't stupid, I love hearing about your problems, I like helping you deal with them, I shouldn't love you but I do, I can't help myself, I feel we have a deep connection, I understand you, I want be with you, nobody has ever made me feel this way, You're pretty, you're beautiful both inside and out, I'm so old lol, I wish we could be together, age doesn't matter, I used to think age mattered but you changed my mind, you're special.
Any of these ring a bell? You see how easy it is?
Don't feel bad OP, you're not a fool and you are a lot of those things that I just mentioned but you have to look at the intentions behind his words not their meanings. "You're special" means exactly that and you are no doubt special but the intention behind saying that is to make you feel good, to disarm you and make you feel more for him so he can eventually get you to like him enough to sleep with him.
Ask your father how many of his friends when he was 40 had relationships with teenage girls. Ask him how guys his age saw guys like that. Talk to uncles, teachers of that age group and ask them how common it was for relationships like to be successful, ask them why those relationships never work.
Above all though ask them men in your family, trusted adults should you trust a guy based solely on what he says or are actions just as important. They'll tell you what I'm telling you. Words mean nothing if they're not backed up by actions, I can tell you, you're special to me but if I;m off flirting with other girls your age, then you can't be that special can you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah. You guys are probably right. But I have such a hard time thinking that he doesn't care and doesn't miss me. He said he'd always be there for me, he quoted the "Love is patient, love is kind" verse from the Bible and asked me if that was how I felt about him, and when I said I hoped I could make him as happy as he made me, he told me that if I really loved him then I already had... and he knew I believed everything and it seems like a really cruel thing to manipulate someone like that, and that's not what he's like at all, he could never intentionally hurt anything or anyone. I really don't know what to think. :(
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I agree with everything Cerberus has written. It would be wise for you to reread his response very carefully, and take his advice.
Also, you really should listen to your parents. You are their daughter, so they have your best interest in mind. This may be difficult to understand now... but in a few years you will come to realize that your parents want only the best for you.
This guy is a loser who spends most of his life in a fantasy world! Cut all ties with him, and block him...so he can't contact you again. You need to move on and find a nice guy your age to date. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): the guy sounds like a creeper! Go talk to hot 18-23 yr old guys instead!!! Yes, they may b a lil more immature...well, this old guy is always online talking to teens and half naked women, so maybe not. You're young, you should be going out and making memories... Not talking to guys twice your age online all the time
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): He was grooming you for sex, I don't care if you think he wasn't that just means he's good at it.
Now that he knows he won't get that he's moved on and he was doing this all the while you thought he loved you. The guy is an online sleaze.
It's very easy for guys like him to spend a lot of time talking to you and getting to know you, he spends most of his time on the computer anyway.
Take it as a lesson learned, all he wanted was sex and he played a good game to make you believe that wasn't the case.
You're probably going to contact him again, because that's the way you are, you won't listen to your parents or anyone else who tries to tell you what he wants. Only him, because you're lost in the fantasy he has created for you. The usual sex grooming fantasy. Even though he has no problem flirting with other women and trying it on with them. You don't see him for what he is, because he played a nice long slow game with you complete with the whole "I'll wait for you" crap. Of course he will wait here's a loser that spends the majority of his waking life online talking to teenage girls. Normal healthy adult males don't do that. Because we know that relationships and even friendships with teenage girls just aren't going to work out. So the only reason we'd start one is to bed her. Really, look around at all the other adult men in your life, would you really see your 40 year old uncles or father or his friends spending hours online on teenage social networking sites and posting compliments under photos of half naked teenagers?
What kind of man do you think this guy is? Are seriously trying to tell us that this guy is somehow "different"? Yeah he's different he's a creep.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Well you are 18 therefore you are capable of making your own desicions you are an adult. So you have two choices you can start talking to him again as a friend and break your dads heart and lose what trust your parents have in you, or else you can stop looking him up online, delete him from your social network site and get on with your life. Its your decision to make.
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