A
female
age
26-29,
*ustme..x
writes:Right, I'm asking this out of desperation. My relationship is falling apart. I'm sixteen and I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months, and suddenly things are crumbling and changing so fast. I don't know what to do. Things are really stressful at the moment anyway, with exams and college induction...so it's hard to deal with this on top.I have no idea what happened; there doesn't seem to be a trigger. Only a few months ago we were so loved up and happy. Everything has changed, yet we haven't said a word about it. There's a massive communication block, made worse by the fact we've left school so we don't see each other so regularly. We're not in touch as much as we used to be either, but I know he's always seeing his friends. He makes no effort with me, he rarely says and does the things he used to now. I feel really unappreciated. He's changed quite a bit and basically I'm not happy in the relationship anymore, but I don't want to break up. I'm so scared of the point where I talk to him. I'm scared of arguments in general; we've never had one. I have an anxiety disorder so perhaps that's partly why. I've never dealt with a break up before and our relationship was very intense; and I have a tendency to get depressed, so I'm worried that I won't deal with a break up very well. But I don't want to end it anyway, because I love him :'( I know I'd miss him terribly; I've always thought "I don't know what I'd do without him". What is the right thing to do here? Should I try and resolve this, try and save our relationship? I do love him. I don't like him as much as I used to though, haha. Or should I give in and end things, since I'm not happy anymore? I appreciate that you'll all say "you need to talk to him about this", and you're quite right, I will, but I can't yet because in a week's time we've got our school prom, and we're going together on a horse and carriage ... all very romantic ... it was arranged when we were happily in love. So I don't want the complication of going through this romantic role-play if we've just broken up. Hopefully you can see what I mean. I don't know how to play it in the mean time though. Thank you for reading. x
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female
reader, justme..x +, writes (6 July 2011):
justme..x is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for the responses, can't tell you how much I appreciated it. We broke up today. A painful but simple mutual end. I'm hurting of course but it's the right thing to do, in the end we were both unhappy so what's the point ... thank you all again for the support, and I know it'll get easier, I know I'll be okay. :) x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I'm actually experiencing the same problem as you do right now. I've been with my boyfriend for 7yrs. Few month ago we had a very good relationship but early this year we have been facing so many problems and it almost ended our relationship. He is a bit cold whenever I see him weekends since he is working and I'm also busy working. We always argue over the phone and i use to nag him all the time. Guys don't like it so he told me to stop. Last weekend I talked to him and I said I will give him time to think and I won't bother him in anyways. I'm not happy with what we have now but I have fear of losing him mostly because I don't want to start another relationship with another guy again. I tried to hold on as much as I can and be more understanding to him. If you can wait until he realizes that he misses you so give it a try but if you feel like you're really lost then stand and tell him the truth of how you feel. It's the only way to set yourself free... I hope this will help you decide for better.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Even though it is not what you want to hear, it seems that the relationship is heading in a very obvious direction.
I believe that most of the time we know very well what our heart is telling us to do, but our heart doesn't use words. So we try to ignore or deny it in our minds. The interesting part is that when we actually begin to discuss it with others, what our heart is telling us tends to be revealed between the lines. Sometimes all we really need to do is let go of all that we have going on inside, to just have someone listen.
As you described what you were going through and your question, did you notice that a lot of it seemed to assume what the ending will be? And some of the reasons why you are dreading it is because of what the relationship was, or what you wish it could be again. This is not a matter of figuring out things you have to work on, or arguments that have to be resolved. The feelings are not as strong.
I've spoken of this before, but now would be a good time to bring it up again. There is a "model" for determining true love that I think is an excellent way to understand what is happening. It is called the Triarchic Love Model (I may have mangled that title).
The basic idea is that to have the deepest and most fulfilling kind of love with another person, it must have Three Basic Elements: 1) Love, 2) Intimacy, and 3) Commitment
Most of the time we end up in a relationship with someone with whom we have 1 or 2 of those elements. The goal is to have all three. And for me, I insist on waiting until I have found someone with whom I have all of those things.
Love is the sexual aspect of the relationship. Intimacy, on the other hand, is the emotional closeness between the two of you. It is the strength of the trust, and how much you "like" the other person and want to be in their company. And of course commitment is just that, are you both on the same page in your level of commitment.
A LOT of what I have written you probably won't fully understand for many years to come. And I am not talking down to you or belittling you in any way. In many ways, it is a luxury not knowing or having experienced certain things that usually come with age. At your age you can look forward to many years of deciding what you want in another person. But there are also things that you only learn through experience about all three of those aspects of a relationship. In particular I can think of so many things regarding commitment that I never had a clue about until I was living in my own place, and responsible for my own bills. There are a lot more things to consider when sharing these responsibilities with another person! Or when you start spending a lot more time with a person.
In summary, I think your heart is telling you where the relationship is going. And the best thing for your life in the long term may very well be the hardest thing in the short term. As for what you should do, I suggest that maybe you should just let it run its course for a little bit. If it is losing steam, it will become even more apparent. If you both knew that being together was the only option, and you will do anything to that end, then you would have no doubt that making a serious attempt to save the relationship was absolutely necessary. I didn't get that impression from what you have said.
Maybe it is time to step back, and see if he values the relationship enough to initiate something to strengthen it. In particular, the upcoming romantic plans are a good opportunity to see where his heart is, and that does not mean having a conversation necessarily. You can learn much of what you need to know through his attitude and behavior. Be willing to participate with a good spirit, and see what happens.
Only you know which of the things I have suggested speak to you and seem right.
And no matter what happens, time will pass. And the one thing we all hate to hear in these times is also inevitable: Time heals all.
When my most recent relationship ended a few months ago I was not ready, I didn't see it coming. And I thought the heartache I felt would never fully go away. I bought a journal and wrote everything I was feeling throughout the day. And for about three weeks I was writing constantly. I wanted to document every step of the process. And I thought it would be a very long road back to being happy again.
But those intense feelings do lighten up, and you turn the corner much faster than you would have ever thought possible.
I hope the best for you, be sure to give us an update! :-)
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 People change, people move, these things happen.
The number one reason why people have relationships is to be happy... (I like to think we've evolved past pro-creating being the top reason).
You're not happy, you don't like him as much as you used to, you don't see him as much as you used to, there's a massive communication block... What point is there to being with someone who isn't compatible/convenient anymore?
Its unfortunate, but if you try to save this relationship, I suspect it'll just be because its inside your comfort zone... It doesn't require you changing anything or going through the whole dating scene again... not because of your true feelings for him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2011):
 One more thought, line up all your best girlfriends to support you if things go pear-shaped! Tell them what you are planning to do and ask that they be there for you! That will help you feel better and you'll know you aren't completely alone.
We all go through breakups eventually in life; there are disappointments and misunderstandings. The worst thing to do is to try to pretend every thing is fine when it is not.
My boyfriend and I broke up a week before prom; we went together anyway as we were good enough friends and wanted the best for each other. It wasn't all romantic but it was honest. I don't regret the situation, it's better than pretending it's all roses and songbirds! We didn't have to be fake and phony at all. It was pretty cool, actually. It's part of growing up, I think, to acknowledge that things just aren't working out.
I had to break up with another guy who just wasn't posting as a boyfriend. He was completely into his hobby and in the end, he wound up regretting his neglect of the relationship but by then, it was too late for it to be salvaged. He wound up with a girl who shared the hobby and ultimately, it was for the best. It was really scary for me to sit him down and tell him that it was over, but I have to say I'm still proud of myself for having the guts to do it!
What I'm trying to say is that facing it squarely may seem daunting but in the end, you won't regret being honest and true to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2011):
At a certain point, you will find that being brave and doing what seems to be the difficult thing is actually what is best for yourself and for the relationship, however that turns out.
In other words, tell him that you feel things are falling apart and that you don't really feel connected to him any more. Guys can be a bit dense sometimes, they chug along assuming everything is okay, because they haven't been told otherwise. They are not mind-readers.
Have a quiet, calm and honest talk with him about what you feel is going on. He may have an entirely different view on things!
If you suffer from anxiety issues and depression, then take those into account as you talk about things.
My guess is that this limbo you are living in is far worse than whatever the reality will be. Your imagination often makes things seem more dire than they actually are.
Maybe you will wind up doing the horse and carriage thing as good friends and happy wishes for each other as you go on into the future. If you've been together for 15 months then I hope you have some friendship going on there!
Talk to him. Be kind. Be honest. You'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2011):
 "i'm not happy in the relationship"
"I don't like him as much any more"
ok what needs is he meeting?
what are you happy with?
go ahead and wait till after prom.. but then you need to think about how this is not meeting your needs or wants.
stop rowing the relationship boat and let him do the work
if he does not call you or contact you or want to be with you or nurture you...well then there is your answer.
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