A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles.I've recently joined an online dating site and hit it off with a nice guy who I had a lot in common with.After communicating daily for a few weeks, we were going to meet up after Christmas but I've had to go away for 6 weeks with my work to the other end of the country.We exchanged emails and I told him I wanted to communicate via email or text rather than on the dating site as I was getting unwelcome attention (I'm sure many women reading this will understand that!)However when I logged on a few days ago to check some details from an old message, I saw he was online.I've looked anonymously since then and he seems to be online most evenings.Should I be suspicious ,is he a player looking for a quick hook up and continuing to play the field?.He had told me previously that he wasn't talking to anyone else on the site.Unfortunately,I have trust issues from being burned last time I tried online dating, but this seems to be disrespecting the trust and honesty that I've given him
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): I had the same situation, and in the end it became stupid.
I was giving all my time and attention to one guy in the hope he would feel I deserved the same. Four years later, I am with someone I met at a party and he is, yep, still multiple dating on line!
Try another way to meet other people than the dating sites, and stay in touch with him as who knows it could all work out, but keep your options open, and you'll be happier anyway getting out and about instead and getting on with life.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 January 2014):
 POF is a HUGE site with thousands of people on it. The reason it attracts so many people is because it is free and generally, there is a fair reputation that it is a hook up site (although some people have met a partner on there). There are also a great deal of married people on that site because they don't leave an electronic payment trail that could be picked up by their husband and wife (no akward transactions on the bank balance)
I am not suggesting the man you are speaking to is like that, but you are assuming and asking a lot for him to be exclusive before he's even seen you and quite honestly, it's a little controlling. I think he has not understood that you are wanting so much so soon and the fact you couldn't meet him for 6 weeks when he can potentially get several other dates immediately from other women...well goes without saying, he's going to go for it because he probably doesn't want to hang around waiting.
I know you are probably a really special lady but nobody is going to see that until they meet you in person.
If someone gave me their own e-mail, I wouldn't assume it meant they wanted me all to themselves.
You might be better to join a paid dating site like e-harmony or Match.com as the selection and contact process is a little more controlled. They also only offer you a few matches at a time so you have a chance to converse more selectively rather than having loads and loads of people trying to get to know you at one time. You can also state clearly that you are looking for some exclusivity.Paid sites are also more likely to attract men and women who are genuinely looking for a relationship.
I am not surprised you have been getting unwanted attention from POF because it has hardly any filters and if you block someone, they only have to make a new profile to bug you again.
He is not the only guy in the world and neither are you the only girl, but if you still think it's worth the price of a cup of tea, still go meet him and see whats what.
Try to keep an open mind and roll with the waves until you meet someone you REALLY like and they feel the same way.
The course of true love and all that...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 January 2014):
 If he's on the site every night he is obviously checking out other profiles and perhaps setting up dates. If he is looking for a quick hook up or for a proper relationship, we don't know- but it is reasonable to think that he still checking out what the dating market offers ,i.e. that he has not decided yet that you are the right one for him ( reasonably, IMO, since he has not even seen you yet ).
Is he a player ? I guess it depends from points of view. According to general dating sites etiquette, what he is doing is normal and acceptable : going on multiple dates for a while, then restricting the choice to the best " concurrent ". People do not have necessarily to agree with this provedure, but when meeting someone on a dating site I guess they should be realistic and expect it , and if it's a dealbreaker they should be very clear , open and vocal about it right off the bat.
You say that you inderstood that, by giving him your personal email, that sealed the deal and meant being exclusive, but... are you sure he understood it too ? Was it expressely verbalized and agreed upon ? Assuming is a risky business in dating matters, what is regular normal procedure for individual X may not be the same for individual Y, hence the necessity to cross your T's and dot your I's, as annoying and embarassing this may be.
So, if he actually explicitely promised you that he was going to come off the site and not meet or look for anybody else before seeing you in person, - then he is blatantly betraying your trust, and being a player. If it was more of a gray area , something that came up in conversation like " Ideally I would only date a person at a time " , but without a firm committment , he may A ) believe in good faith that he is not doing anything wrong and that you are probably doing the same B ) have figured out that it would bother you a lot, but be using to his advantage the fact that at this early stage you don't have the grounds , technically, to call him out on his behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): Hi this is the OP.We didn't have a talk about exclusivity as such but as I understood it, by giving out my personal email, that was the deal.I told him my reasons for coming off the site and he seemed to agree .We exchanged a fair bit if personal information but now it seems he's still trawling and I feel let down.
The site is POF so I can see if he's online without having to log in myself or set up fake profiles,because that seems a bit stalkerish,whereas all I want is to feel that he likes me enough to wait until we can meet up instead it seems he's hedging his bets and already planning his next hit
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 January 2014):
Despite what he tells you about how much he likes you, he hasn't met you in the flesh and so he is at liberty to talk to other ladies online, the same as you are at liberty to speak to other guys.
It's understandable you are a bit put out but you dont even know the guy yet and it's unfortunate that you couldn't meet him sooner. Try not to get too het up about it as he may still be worth going on a date with.
If you get unwanted attention on dating sites, find out if the sites have a block function, so you can get rid of the idiots. Most people join sites for a few months to give them time to meet a range of people...the relationship part only usually happens after people have met and decided they want more, so keep your mind open and try not to hang too much hope on the first guy you meet.
You said you got burned on dating sites before?, it's true that there are a lot of people on those sites who say one thing and mean another, you just have to get to know people a little more before you decide you want more!
Just because this guy is online, it doesn't mean he is a player, you are already checking up on him and you didn't meet yet. Honesty and trust are nice, but they dont mean a lot when you haven't even met someone.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 You don't know if you hit it off nicely until there are steady dates and one of you initiated the talk about being exclusive. You could even mention that you prefer someone who dates one person at a time. After the official thing has been established, then the discreet thing to do is to cancel the accounts in front of each other.
Did you tell him that you want to communicate through text, or did you add on the reason for unwanted attention? This may put him off a little bit. I don't know about online, but even when men say they want marriage and kids you can't trust this. There are guys who are such dreamers who are more interested in talking about the possibility than actualizing it. The only thing you can trust is how he is treating you in person.
Is there a way to check who the anonymous person is? Do you put fake details like age and where you live so he won't suspect? Is there a way he could check the IP address? If no and if he's online most evenings then he's checking other women out and talking, and he's lying.
I think a lot of women had done what you have done. What makes me trust a man is that he would spend a lot of time talking to me and would commit to a regular schedule. Be enthusiastic about each meeting and be caring. Then there is no need to suspect.
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