A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently started dating a girl at the school I just graduated from. It's a semi-long distance relationship; thus far we've been able to see each other at least once a month, if not more. However, there are times when we are apart. I trust her completely and she's never given me a reason not to trust her, but she dances with other guys at parties (i.e. grinds), and it bothers me. I think it's just a little jealousy, and not any fear that she would cheat, because I do trust her. Am I being overly concerned? Also, having been in a long distance relationship before, I understand the need for both of us to have lives outside the relationship and not be too controlling, and I don't want her to feel hemmed in when she's out partying. Is this something worth talking to her about or should I just suck it up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your advice. I maybe should have provided more detail -- she doesn't actively seek out other guys to dance with, and often turns guys down when she's out with her friends. I'm definitely not going to break up with her over this; I'm very happy with her and I'm not worried about her cheating at all. We're also pretty open with each other and she's seemed really happy in the relationship. Really, the only time this matters is the couple hours she's out on Saturdays, and even at that it's just a little jealousy on my part. I am going to bring it up with her, just so she knows I'm not super thrilled about it.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Cerebus: Great response!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your advice. I maybe should have provided more detail -- she doesn't actively seek out other guys to dance with, and often turns guys down when she's out with her friends. I'm definitely not going to break up with her over this; I'm very happy with her and I'm not worried about her cheating at all. We're also pretty open with each other and she's seemed really happy in the relationship. Really, the only time this matters is the couple hours she's out on Saturdays, and even at that it's just a little jealousy on my part. I am going to bring it up with her, just so she knows I'm not super thrilled about it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I am so glad you answered this way, Cerberus ! I was going to say the same thing- that IMO no normal man could be OK with having his gf's ass rubbed by a stranger's cock. ( As a matter of fact, I don't even understand how a normal girl can enjoy being grabbed from behind by a probably tipsy,sweaty stranger and having his crotch rubbed against her back ). But I thought hey it must be me, maybe I am " generationally challenged ", aka old. Glad to see that Cerberus is still in his 30s and feels the same.
As for this being the way normally people dance in America, uhm, I don't know, maybe I will also sound politically incorrect, aka a snob, but a fact is a fact : My career as a club goer has been embarassingly long , so it's not many years that I kissed adieu to the New York scene. Only, I used to go to places in downtown Manhattan and you see no grinding there ,locals would not be caught dead "dancing " like this. So - only SOME Americans think grinding is normal,- probably those who watched too many episodes of Jersey Shore.
Conclusion : follow Cerberus' advice, you don't want to be controlling and tell her what she can or cannot do, you are her bf, not her master- but nothing prevents you from telling her if something is making you uncomfortable, and also from making your views clear about what you find proper or improper. You can trust her enough to let her do what she wants - but you don't have to like it and say, oh wonderful.
Then... I am sure that she is a great girl regardless ,and I would never suggest you to break up over something stupid like grinding.... but in case this r/ship ends naturally, do yourself a favour, and make sure the next gf has less of an exhibiotionstic streak , and maybe a touch of class more ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I agree... I don't think of grinding as dancing... it's vertical foreplay. I would NOT dance with a stranger that way... I did dance in public what we called "dirty dancing" but only with boyfriends... never with strangers.
since you don't consider it a problem you should tell her it bothers you...
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Grinding, in my opinion, is much the same as dry humping except that with the former, you're verticle and doing it to music. The fact that your girlfriend thinks this is an appropriate way to behave, regardless of her relationship status, says something about her judgment and the kind of people (and drama) she is likely to attract.
What kind of man is more likely to cross the line with her? One who grinds with her or one who doesn't?
Do you know many women who are okay with their boyfriends rubbing their groins against another woman's backside?
By all means, tell her what you think of this but I don't think it will get you anywhere. She enjoys the attention she gets doing it and she won't appreciate you spoiling it. She'll accuse of you of trying to control her. The kind of person who would be receptive to such a talk wouldn't need one.
You've only recently started dating so it should be relatively easy to walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Do you go out and grind with other girls? Would she be comfortable with you doing that?
It seems that kind of dancing is common but does that mean it is harmless to a relationship? I would be extremely uncomfortable if my partner thought that grinding was acceptable conduct. Dancing without touching is fine. Ballroom style dancing seems safe enough. Dancing while pressing genitals together seems to be crossing a boundary.
Discuss your unease with her, it is not unreasonable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): I'd talk to her about it and be open about how you feel. Why not? You're not going to tell her to stop or anything and you don't she's cheating it just makes you feel uneasy. best to have openness and honesty in your relationship OP, keeping concerns held in only makes them build up, I mean this isn't just a spur of the moment reaction thing it's something that bothers you a bit.
I wouldn't tolerate that from my girlfriend and she thinks it's a very inappropriate thing to have a guy rub his boner against your ass while dancing. But apparently that's just how people dance in America, the people I know who've lived there found it very strange to be grabbed from behind and have a guy rub his crotch on their ass. If some guy did that to my girlfriend I'd let him know not to do it again in not so gentle a way.
It's like this OP another guy is rubbing his cock off your girls ass, or she is rubbing her ass on his cock. The fact that it's "dancing" means nothing to me, no guy gets to rub his cock against my girlfriend in any circumstance just as I don't get to fondle another girls tits and call it a "breast exam".
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