A
female
 ,
*talie
writes:HiI'm 30 and have had a few long term relationships, including the one i'm in now. I have NEVER been able to trust a man and assume they are all lying/devious about everything, would cheat if they got half a chance and can not be trusted or relied upon in any circumstance. I've always made sure I have my own money/car/house for when I catch them out and I can throw them out. I've never really doubted that this opinion of men was wrong (my first cheated on me, my second cheated on his wife with me and this is how the pattern continued) but now I have a guy who I desperately want to believe could be faithful and trustworthy. I've caught him out in a few lies but nothing major and, on the whole, just told to me cause he knew I'd freak with the truth (girls as friends etc). I've caught him out because I check EVERYTHING but I'm now an expert at it so never get caught.Now, I know there are men on here who will say "I'm not like that" and I know there are a few guys who are maybe decent, but the only ones in the entire world may just be on here!! I'm now wondering if most women think like me or if women actually think men are ok on the whole and the whole lying/cheating thing is blown out of proportion.This all came about after me hearing a conversation between 4 women about what they think men want after 40 and not one of them mentioned that they want to cheat and be devious. That was the first thing I thought of!!I know I sound awful and I think it's a coping mechanism for me in a way but I'm just interested in how many women think like me or how extreme I am.This guy has asked me to marry him and I want to believe in him. I just dont know if I should. I realise that i'll always think the same of every guy and dont want to throw this relationship away if i'm wrong. Thanks for listening.xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Trust them but not blindly.Keep your eyes and ears open all the time.Prevention is better than cure but excess of anything is bad.I hope I've answered your qs.
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (24 October 2008):
 I think the guy you have now could be a gem, but the way you assume they are all lying, has him hiding things from you. Just because its an easier life for him. If you trusted him, he wouldn't of chosen lying as his first option. Its almost like cutting your nose off to spite your face when we are possesive.
I'm hazzarding a guess but, I would think its the type of guys you have gone for in the past that has actually ended up being your downfall. I did something similar getting involved with an attached guy, after having spent 9 yrs with a completely genuine trustworthy guy, and its a wake up call to see how people treat their spouse!
For a few yrs that relationship did damage me, and to a certain extent I find it a bit hard to believe anyone can stay faithful forever to one person. I mean, people get bored, and quite often instead of trying to sort it or split, they move onto someone else first. But I dont think that pattern of behavior is confined to just men.
Like you I am self sufficiant and have my kids, house, car, animals, job and for now will be keeping it at just those things.
But I would like to think in the future I will meet someone I click with and want to share all those things with, mainly i'm just too busy for a man in my life at the moment. But if I thought for a minute I wouldn't ever trust someone and would constantly be loking for signs of infidelity and lies, I dont think I would ever get involved with someone again. I cant stand the knots in the tummy! Ive got enough to cope with in everyday life without worrying what someone is up to all the time lol
Good luck
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): He asked you to marry him and you never said yes. Now he's wondering if you really love him. The longer you dither, the more insecure he will become. Then he will get a smile from a girl at work, then a flirt, then an affair.
Hey presto YOU have created a cheat.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 October 2008):
 I commend you on being independent and having your own house, car and money. That is a good thing for everyone. Believe it or not, some people think they don't need to do that.
You say you're very good at checking everything. I wonder if you're like this with people you work with, friends, relatives, neighbors, et cetera, and then if you do this when they are women. If you are like this with everyone, then you have a problem. If you only check everything about the men you date, then you have a problem, too. This being an imperfect world, you could not be the exception. Your imperfection is that you can't trust any man, but that's your problem, not theirs (I don't say "ours" because this might be the only time you will find me, a man, very disappointing).
Like you say, it's always going to be this way. You will not trust anyone. That is wrong. I think you should let this guy go, because, if you will be checking on everything, after a little while he will find you to be controlling, nagging and unbearable, and HE will leave you. That will hurt.
If you check this column, perhaps a few posts below yours you will find a man who doesn't trust any woman. That's your mirror reflection, only with XY chromosomes.
There are no guarantees in life, save for death. I think we do right if we try to be happy in this imperfect world anyways.
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