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*harimartin
writes:There was a problem with a question I posted about a guy I met online who I subsequently had over 100 conversations with over 35 days, he got really sick, we never met and he fell off the radar screen. He called me a few days ago, is doing better and in a research program at NIH. It was nice to hear that he's doing better; however, I don't trust him not to go away if he gets sick again if the experiment doesn't continue to help him. Sometimes things happen for the best, even if he wants to meet when he's well. Would appreciate your answers. Scottie
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reader, sharimartin +, writes (27 January 2016):
sharimartin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to Cindy Cares, I have to respond to your January 17 post by saying that I would adopt a wait and see attitude and I placed our potential meeting in a "let's have fun and enjoy ourselves" position which doesn't indicate that I'm a tad too eager to latch onto any attention thrown my way. You truly don't know me, my age or my dating position and although I'm glad you answered my post, you do have the situation a bit confused. Two months didn't go by without hearing from this guy, he was given 4 doses of chemo and was in touch but not for 4 weeks which was the reason I wrote my first post in November. I realize you're trying to be helpful, however, I'm a switched on and enlightened gal who easily knows the score. I was simply writing about a situation I encountered that illustrated guys who appear and disappear; I haven't been taken in by him. So thanks anyway.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 Thank you for the update ; now let's hope that yow will not only talk the talk but also walk the walk ! :) If you can really just relax and see what happens, without having any particular expectations or making any special emotional investment, until you have met, and not just once, but several times, then sure, everything is fine.
But, I hope I won't offend you if I tell you that from your post you seem a tad too eager to latch on on any attention thrown your way, and a tad too quick to draw etched-in-stone conclusions :
" he's the real deal " ? How do you know, ?! considering that you haven't even met yet, and that he already pulled a few Houdini on you.
Yes yes, the poor man was very sick.... but frankly, unless he really went on the brink of death and back, isn't he a bit too casual, a bit inconsiderate, even for a sick person ?...
I mean, from when he disappeared last time at the end of November, and now, nearly 2 months later, he would have had all the time to shoot you a quick text with : sorry, we can't talk now for a while due to health reasons, but I'll definitely get in touch in ( Dec. or Jan. or whenever ). If he is in a national health research program, they have protocols and times and dates for these things , they do not just improvise , hey let's see how it goes, we'll be done when we are done .
Again, unless he has been deadly sick, he could have kept in touch with a few quick words once in a while - heck, he could have asked a visitor , or a nurse, to help him, if he had felt physically too feeble to text !
I am saying this because I have lost my fair share of relatives and friends due to cancer or other deadly illnesses, and they ALL managed to stay in touch with those they cared about, at least until they were CONSCIOUS.
So, unless this guy has been in a coma for the last 2 months... I'd go slow in deciding that he is the real deal , and that you are exactly on the same page, or even that he is actually interested in you and going to give it a honest try.
I am not trying to rain or your parade, or to label the sick guy as a con - man. As always, time will tell. And his action will tell much more than his words. In the meantime, though, ... try not to put your hopes too high up. And evaluate seriously if a relatiosnhip with so many restraints in it, due to his poor health ,and geographical distance , could be enough to fulfill you.
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A
female
reader, sharimartin +, writes (16 January 2016):
sharimartin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, how's everyone? An update on the "sick guy" that I never met. He returned yesterday by phone with several phone calls that went on for many hours. He actually became very, very sick during the time we couldn't meet and didn't talk. He's somewhat better and will be returning to his home in about 3 weeks. He's very down to earth and not a player. We've talked about getting together around that time, if it can be worked out with weather and scheduling issues. We're about 2 hours apart. I've put our meeting into the "let's have fun and a good time together" to take off any pressure. I do think he's the real deal and certainly didn't make up his sickness. We're both older and quite mature and both widowed. I'll adopt a wait and see attitude. Thanks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 December 2015):
Don't beat yourself up too much. The best way to learn is through experience, through trial and error. Now hopefully you are best equipped to screen your candidates and weed out the flakes.
I reiterate my advice to be quite more ....self serving, in lack of a better word. If you want X within X time, don't waste time on people that seem only be giving Y in Y time. Some of them may not be flaky,they may actually have emotional blocks or health problems or financial troubles or work committments , which actually hinder them in carrying on a relationship in the right time frame ... but, frankly, you don't even know them in person yet !, why would you have to make their problems your own ?...
If you wish to , say, date someone local , and right now - do not waste a line of text on someone who lives far away and / or can start dating next summer.
True, you may not be able to find what you want- then again if you settle for something different from what you wanted, - you just have made do with less, you have not got what you want .
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A
female
reader, sharimartin +, writes (17 December 2015):
sharimartin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks for the response. You were right; the "sick" guy and I communicated for 3 more weeks, he made a date and then on the day of the date, cancelled which I wasn't at all surprised about. These guys are goofy and more than unreliable; they're immature and irresponsible. I'd like to have someone in my life but can't be subjected to these jerks. You got it correctly and I apparently missed it. Shame on me for being so negligent and not taking care of myself. Thanks, Scottie
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 November 2015):
Scottie aren't you the same lady who posted another question about another on line suitor , assumedly a secret agent ? He too, after a prolonged and intense e -mail exchange, just vanished off your life, no notice and no explanations.
If this is you, we can say that you have been unlucky with your Internet choices and you got more than your fair share of flakes- or at least, of men with unusual lives, in situations which make it hard to check what and where they really are, and hard to trust them to be consistent.
Anyway, my general rule of thumb for Internet dating , with people who love at a distance and which you can't actually date in person with a certain regularity, would be : don't sweat it. Be extremely practical , and ruthless , even. You are on the Net looking for something specific, if they have got it and they can provide it to you with no fuss and no doubts, great; if not, - next ! Planty of fish in the Web sea.
When you go shopping for a new outfit in a boutique, you try it on for size and if it does not fit you, you reject it; you don't stay there thinking that maybe it does not fit because the fashion designer was depressed, or the tailor was worried about his debts etc. Your job is finding something that feels right and reliable, not to fix and adjust to something that's not quite that.
So, a guy who flaked out once, ...I'd say give it a miss. His story about being part of an NHI experiment may be true or also NOT true . Anyway , the point is that something in his life makes him unpredictable and unreliable, while you , I guess, want someone steady you can count on . So, since hopefully a few, or even many , email conversation won't have been enough to warrant a true ,solid attachment yet ; (you haven't ever met in person and it's even dubious you'd
"click " once you meet ) it should not be too difficult to dispose of him with no regrets, and focus on other candidates who act more reliable, or at the very least, have less baggage and less complications.
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