| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My ex boyfriend cheated on me and it has affected subsequent relationships.When I said to my current boyfriend that I always want to be his only one, he said to rest well knowing I am the only one he thinks about.Would this be reassuring to you?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Kate1967  +, writes (22 March 2016):
You need to trust the new boyfriend, without conditions, until or unless he gives you a reason not to.
I am in a similar situation. I decided to trust my new boyfriend. It feels wonderful. I sometimes have little doubts but they turn out OK. I don't talk to him about me having trust issues because he has given me absolutely no reason not to trust him.
If it works out for me and him, GREAT. If not, it wasn't meant to be. I'm just not spending my days worrying and stressing over something that isn't happening.
Chin up.
If he ever cheats, dump him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Would this be reassuring to you?
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Yes and no.
If he had CATERED to your insecurities and told:" YES you are the ONLY person I'll EVER think about from now on", he would be lying. He did tell you that you are the only one for him right now. So yes, that would be reassuring.
Being in a relationship doesn't make a person deaf, dumb and blind. They still talk to other people (and yes some of those WILL be attractive), they will still notice a beautiful/handsome person - WE ALL DO! Doesn't mean they can't be faithful.
The whole notion that "I always want to be his only one" it's not realistic. Let's be honest. You are his ONLY GF while he is dating you, and he will be faithful to you while dating you, if he catching feeling for someone else, you'd rather he end the relationship with you BEFORE choosing to cheat.. That is what you should expect.THAT ... is reasonable.
YOU might as well ACCEPT that you CAN NOT control how other people think, feel, do and what they say. THAT is NOT for you to control. WHAT you can... control is how you react. THAT is it. That is how far your "control" should extend.
Trying to "make" him give you promises that he MAY NOT be able to keep 100% it's NOT going to help those insecurities you have. THOSE (the insecurities YOU have to work on, that is NOT his job to fix those, that is your job).
You are trying to control him, because you couldn't control your ex. And when the ex cheated on you and HURT you, you felt a need to control your emotions and environment so NO ONE can hurt you that way again. Unfortunately... You can't.
You didn't MAKE your ex cheat. Those were HIS actions, to own.
You CAN'T make your new BF take responsibility for what and EX did to you. THAT just isn't fair. WHAT you CAN do.. is look back, think back - what were the red flags you ignored with your ex? Were there any? Or were you totally blindsided? If there WERE any red flags, then pay attention to your current relationship. Are similar things happening? Or not. If they are not, then TAKE your time to build trust (it goes both ways) with your new partner without DRAGGING in the "mud" and drama from your last relationship.
Let the past go. STOP beating yourself (and your new partner) up for something and EX did to you.
So you dated a guy who cheated on you. Stuff happens. At least you are no longer with him.
There are NO guarantees in relationships. And the only 100% guarantee there is in life is that you are born and will some day die. What comes in between is UP TO YOU!
So you can date a guy and live in distrust or you can tell him your expectation and listen to his. Hopefully you have now found a partner who is on the same page.
But to EXPECT that your BF has to CONSTANTLY reassure you it may not be realistic long term. At some point if you don't have trust for each other, you have nothing to build on.
try and have your BF do this little test with you:
http://365tests.com/personality-tests/what-is-your-love-language/
Figure out your "language of love".
Good luck and learn to let the past be the past.
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