A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and I'm in my freshman year of college. Some background information: Before I moved here I basically lived with my boyfriend over the summer, and before that we did everything together and are the best of friends. He's made me the happiest I've been in my entire life. Now that I'm in a college over four hours hours away from him I've noticed I've been getting increasingly depressed from the separation. I visit him about every other weekend by bus and have a blast, but the amount of time I actually get to see him is a day and a half after the trip there on friday and back on sunday. I absolutely dread the point when I have to take the bus back to my college. It feels like the bus is my ride back to 2-3 weeks of hell. I've been living in my college for about three months including the fourth summer semester all I dream of is being somewhere else. I have friends here and other friends i can party with on weekends, but I rarely have time to actually hang out with them because of the amount of time I have to devote to studying/homework. I study from the moment I wake up right down to when I go to sleep (which is for about 4-6 hours a night), yet I'm still not excelling in my classes. Every night I spend about an hour talking and playing games with my boyfriend on Skype and we text throughout the day, yet I still miss him like crazy. I think I'd be a much happier person if I transferred to a college that was an hour and a half away from him compared to four hours. I'd save a ton of money on bus tickets, I'd be able to see him most weekends, and he would also be able to visit me. In the college I'm at right now he can't because there is nowhere for him to stay since I'm in a dorm and it would be too expensive for him to stay at a hotel. In addition I'd be able to focus on school more since I know I'd see him on weekends, and I would be much, much happier knowing I can see him whenever I feel overwhelmed by school. The college I want to transfer to isn't as prestigious as the college I'm at now, but it's still a really good college that offers lots of great programs. And since I haven't decided for sure on my major, the idea of going to a less famous and intense school for my degree doesn't bother me in the slightest (this school is also way cheaper). I would much rather be in a college closer to my boyfriend where I would be happiest (I have lots of old friends at that college too and none here) and where I probably wouldn't be as overwhelmed with academics than one where I'd have to break up with my wonderful boyfriend because of the unbelievable stress and the heartbreak of long distance. Realistically, if I don't transfer by my sophomore I fear I won't do well on my classes enough to get a great degree anyway. I'd be way too stressed out with trying to see the love of my life/missing him every day all the while :( Having friends is nice but if I'm too busy with academics all I have left is my boyfriend who I can very rarely relax with... Is transferring the best idea for me? I think so but I'd like more opinions.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 First of all, did you ask your parents' opinion ?... If they are funding your education, their opinion definitely counts - and even if they are no, hey they are your parents, they know you, they love you and they want the best for you : it can't hurt at least to ask them what they think.
Personaly, I think that you are just having the freshman 's blues and you are contemplating a bad move. You don't want to hear that , but boyfriends come and go , and a great education stays. In case your couple does not survive the college years, as it is likely ( I am not jinxing you, just stating a statistical fact ) you'll have blown a big chance for nothing.
I think you are taking a bit lightly what moving from a prestigeous college to a just pretty good one implies. If you were in my country, yes, there are two or three places that are more ancient and famous and prestigeous, but basically their advantage is that you can brag with your friends for having studied in a posh place- in practice , college is college everywhere and where you got your degree is not so terribly important. But, for what I know about the USA university system, it's all another story. There is definitevely a difference in term of future perspectives and future career if your alma mother is Columbia or Yale, or if it is Okefenokee Swamp City College.
What is not much different from one place to the other, is the workload and the committment required. Some places will be more " intense " and demanding than others, but there 's no school in which the focus is on letting the students relax and get plenty of rest, and plenty of time to their romance. I think you'd be disappointed to see that just changing college won't DRAMATICALLY reduce the pressure .
You are also being a bit tantrumy about the whole bf situation ;it may not be great , but it is not terrible. You meet up and stay overnight every two weeks, you text all day and you spend one hour a day on Skype . And you do have friends, a social life where you are too.There are tons of people who get this kind of quality time with their SO, without even being in college - just because of work, family issues, finances etc . : life, basically .It's not ideal but it's not even torture .
Did you go to college to get a degree or to get a boyfriend ??? So, what's your priority ?... You should try to fit your r/ship into your school life, not viceversa. If then you decide that you don't care about education, all you want in life is to be a happy lover / gf / wife, fine, that's an acceptable choice too. But then, why wasting time , effort and MONEY in college- just stay home and work in a fast food joint.
And btw, what's this absurdity that he can't come over because he can't afford a hotel room ? It does not need to be the Waldorf Astoria, tell him to save up on drinks and clothing and videogames and entertainment, he 'll be able to come up with the money for a cheap motel room once or twice a month. So you'd see him 3/4 times a month instead than two , which is already a relevant improvement. Plus, he' d learn that if he wants to carry on your relationship he can't leave all the legwork and sacrifices to you- he has to do his part too.
Lastly, as some other Aunt said, talk to your school counselor, or psychologist. That's amply within the scope of their competences, teaching students tecniques and strategies to handle stress, to become more orgenized and focused, to get more out of fewer study hours. If you feel worried and overwhelmed, that's what your counselor is suppose to advice about , it will be nothing new to him / her.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I think you should wait until you can live off-campus and have your boyfriend try to transfer instead. If you are at the better school, don't give that up. My brother went to one of the best schools in the country and then transferred to a state school to be near his high school girlfriend. He wound up doing nothing with his life because he fell through the cracks at the state school. They also eventually broke up.
Why can't you get a cheap place off campus and live together there? If you're still a freshman, try talking to the residence office to see what you can do. Try to explain not that you want to live with your boyfriend, but that you are having trouble focusing on your studies in the dorms.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (21 September 2012):
Have you asked your boyfriend how he would feel about you moving closer to him?
Have you sought out your campus's counseling center to try and speak with someone about the immense stress you are under?
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