A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married since April to a man that I have been dating since I was 16. We have a long long history and a lot of ups and downs in that time. In the past he has hidden things from me and lied to my face about lots of things: seeing his ex girlfriend, chatting with other girls behind my back (there have been quite a few), and watching porn. I haven't always reacted with patience when I find these lies, I admit it. It hurts to know that someone is lying to your face. So we have fought many times and he has said hurtful things to me, and I have accused him of being a liar, cheater, unfaithful and even called him names. Each time he has said, "I understand now, I will be honest from now on" and whatnot. Each time I give him another shot. The lies add up though and it has been hard to trust him.However when we proposed to me I thought we were in a positive place. I thought he was being honest with me, and had been for a long time. Before we got married I asked him straight up if there was anything he hadn't told me before we made the commitment. He assured me that there was nothing and I believed him. So we went ahead and had the wedding. A few months after, we were on a holiday. One night he told me he was so exhausted and he went to bed earlier than me. I had a shower in the bathroom that was attached to the bedroom, and then quietly snuck out because I thought he was sleeping. I sat out in the living room of the suite and was going to read a book for a little while. Not more than two minutes after I sat down I realized I needed a blanket, so I went to the bedroom to grab one of the extras. When I opened the door I saw the glow of his cell phone screen in the dark. I asked him "Why are you on your phone?"He said "I'm not" and tried to shove it under his pillow. I went and took it straight from his hand and said, "yes you are"He said "I'm texting my dad"I looked at the screen of the phone and saw he was watching porn. I was stunned as he had told me that he wasn't watching porn at all (since the last time I caught him doing it). That time I caught him doing it I said to him that if he wanted to watch it I would like to watch it with him, that if it was something he wanted to use as a sex aid I would be open to it and watch together. He said, "thank you but I don't want to watch it at all, I'd rather just have you." I said, ok if that's what you want, but I want you to be honest with me because I don't want to be in this situation again where I catch you looking at it and sneaking around behind my back. It's a very sick-making situation to walk in on the man you love and respect touching himself to porn... it makes me feel humiliated. He understood this (or so I thought) last time.So anyway I said, "you're not texting your dad you're looking at porn!" and then "are you serious? When I'm in the next room?!" and I laid into him a bit. I said some cruel things, I admit... I called him a boy not a man and was incredulous that he`d rather watch porn than have sex with me, I told him he was a liar and called him pathetic. I`m not proud of that but I was shocked. Ultimately he ended up apologizing and begging me to forgive him and saying it was a mistake etc etc. I asked him why, he said he was horny. I said "I was right in the next room if you wanted sex, not ten feet away"... he didn`t have much of a response to that...Anyway then it came out that he had watched porn behind my back multiple times, even before he proposed to me, and right up to our wedding day, and had been lying about it for the entire time. I don't really understand it. I know men watch porn, I'm not stupid. I have tried to be an understanding and patient partner and told him I don't mind him watching I just hate being lied to. Nothing feels worse than the person who's supposed to love you more than anything lying to your face. He has since told me that he was lying out of guilt and that he thought he could stop and that he didn't want to tell me before the wedding because he thought he would lose me. He said the guiltier he felt, the bigger distance he felt between us and then that led to more porn use, like a cycle. Now I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions. I am angry that he was lying to me on our wedding day, I feel tricked. I am disappointed that he is not the man I thought he was. I have just lost a lot of respect for him. I feel like a fool for believing his lies and for believing his wedding vows. I feel he did not take those vows or the idea of marriage seriously.On top of the lying I am feeling very sexually insecure. Whenever we have had sex (since and before I caught him) it is good and he is enthusiastic and has no problems in bed. But he chose porn over me when I was ten feet away... it makes me feel very inadequate. I am self-conscious about my body now when we are in bed together and constantly worrying that my performance won`t be up to the standards of porn etc. He has told me that he`s not a porn addict (I asked him if he thought he may have a deeper problem) and that he can stop watching it and that he has stopped watching it now. He said he feels like he`s changed and that he feels a relief now that he`s not hiding anything from me. I have been skeptical about it... but he insists. I again told him, if he needs porn that I just want to know it because I want to know what I`m dealing with. He said he doesn`t need porn, that it`s never been a big deal to him and that he`d rather just be with me... yeah I`ve heard it before but he insists that this is it. I feel like he`s making promises he can`t keep and I`m going to end up in the same spot again at some point in the future. I don`t think I can go through it again and again... at some point I think I`ll just snap.Anyway I am just looking for any kind of feedback at all for this situation. If you think I am overreacting, if you have any tips for how to rebuild the lost trust. This relationship has been so emotionally exhausting for me since the beginning and sometimes I feel like I am losing the ability to love him. Please help me.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex, horny, insecure, liar, porn, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 OP I have many links about this on my profile. I think you would benefit from looking through them. If you are interested there is also a good book called The Porn Trap (I recommend this a lot, though to clarify I am not affiliated with it in any way).
Posters below. If your girlfriend is not OK with you watching porn and you lie to her about it to "spare her feelings," you are behaving far FAR worse than if you sat down on the floor and watched it right in front of her. It is the same reason cheaters don't tell their SO when they go out and have sex with someone else. They know their partner is not OK with it, but they want to keep doing it, so they lie about it to protect themselves and their interests at the expense of their partner.
It is extremely paternalistic for you to decide for her whether you watching porn is acceptable to her. She has the right to decide that for herself and when you lie to her, you are not giving her that option. You are sneaking around, lying, and doing sexual things behind her back that you know would devastate her, it's not really different from actually going out and having sex with someone else.
Don't delude yourself and say you are lying to spare her feelings, you are lying to save your own skin. If your partner said that the thing she needed to be happy was to pay extremely attractive men to take her on dates, would you be OK with it so long as she didn't tell you about it?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): I think you may need to work on your anger issues OP. I am male and I love and respect my partner more than anything. On occassion (once a month?) I may watch what you are talking about. Do I want to share that with my partner? no chance in hell! this is embarassing to me and I don't really want people, let alone the person who's oppinion I value the most to know.Sometimes it just happens because I get tired of initiating sex, other times because I am tired and just want to get it over with. At the end of the day I would much rather a partner than a computer so I don't really find it too necessary but it is not something I would want to share with anyone else. As for talking to other women well that is completely different to this!I would suggest you chose your fights. The important ones stay true to your principles, while the others, for god's sake relax. You cannot control your husband to this extent!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): You are a good honest woman and deserve the best, but please understand us guys will do things REGARDLESS of what a women will say, WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE CONTROLLED OR 'CHANGED'. Yes he ied, but he lied to protect your feelings because he loves you. Sounds crazy right? but think about it in the big scheme of things. PORN is nothing. HE IS THERE WITH YOU RIGHT? IN BED? MARRIED? LOL what more can a woman want. ok they want 'NO LIES'. Fair enough. best thing to do is talk bout it like you both have done, and LET IT GO. Next time, when your both horny, SAY, dont ASK, SAY ' lets watch porn '. Trust me. The more you go into something the more people will want it less, eliminating there need for it. This is psychology at its best. please understand sometimes guys lie ' WHITE LIES ' so they do not hurt the other persons feelings because they know what they are lying about means zilch. This probably wont make sense to a woman, so i advise is to best stop anylizing the situation and be happy for where you BOTH ARE. Be thankfull its just porn and he is not txt'ing other women. Now i leave you to both enjoy the porn! THINK POSITIVE.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): There is a very simple solution to this. Just assume he IS still watching porn, no matter what he tells you. That way, you can't ever be disappointed. You can even tell him this, if you'd like. Tell him, "You've lied to me so many times that I'm just going to assume you're still going watch it behind my back, no matter what you say." If he gets upset, well then he'll know how you feel when you catch him lying to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI`m the O.P.
I never asked him not to watch porn, I only asked him not to lie about it. He is the one who says he`s not going to watch porn anymore- I told him if you need to watch porn, just tell me. But don`t lie about it. I don`t think that`s a lot to ask.
My personal feelings towards porn are tainted because of some molestation I experienced as a kid (I was molested while the molester looked at porn magazines) so I do hate porn on a personal level. I have still never told him not to watch it, I just hate it when he pretends he`s not watching it and I catch him redhanded.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 September 2012):
 I understand that you lost trust based on what turned out to be his fabrications, but I think you're patrolling his sexuality a little too much. Granted, my feelings on porn are open- my guy's allowed to look as much as he wants, and he generally doesn't do it when I'm home (or at least the same room), he's respectful of me in that way; it sounds like your guy has become petrified to even talk about his association with porn because of your strong reactions. Why do you consider his use of porn a betrayal? he didn't marry a porn star he married you, and he wants to continue to have a life with you. If you don't want him to lie to you, don't do the "promise me you'll never look again" thing, assume he will keep being interested, and have porn be an off-limits topic-what he does,watches, thinks about when he masturbates should really be his own business (unless it's an ex or someone he knows). What I would ask of him is whenever he feels horny to give you an opportunity to satisfy him- and THEN if he's not in the mood for him to do his thing privately. I've heard from my own boyfriend that guys don't really want to 'inconvenience' the woman because guys want it all the time so it gets like..burdensome to ask, but i tell him, let me know so i at least have the chance for it to be a group decision instead of him deciding for me!
Yelling at him about all of this is not going to make him run to you for sex more, though, it's probably going to have scared him off/turned him off from further intimacy with you for a bit. To sum up:
1-I think that creating a porn-free environment is just asking for too much; you'll be a lot happier if you just accept that he masturbates to fake women to relieve sexual pressure than to find out he's been a liar.
2-he needs to come to you first for sex, and if that doesn't work, THEN he has to take care of his business.
3-forgive him for the porn. take a hard line with the other stuff (associating with ex's, other female friends)
4- rebuild intimacy by finding an activity to share together
...............................
|
