A
female
age
41-50,
*illy_person
writes:Hello I asked a question last week after I (stupidly) had first-date sex and I am still not sure what to do. This is my original post:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/sex-on-the-first-date-how-can-i34.htmlOK the thing is, we had sex and it was friendly afterwards, he send the first text later that day when he got home and initiated a text conversation later in the week which I had to cut short because it was late and I was falling asleep. I send a text the following day asking how he was, because he said he got ill during the week. I just got a brief reply saying he was feeling worse, and I sent one message back. It was during working hours so I didn't expect a conversation. I haven't heard from him since. I think it was 4 days ago. I am not really expecting to hear from him but it's really nagging away at me that I might be missing an opportunity here by trying to play it too cool. Would I be a complete prat if I sent him another text? I really don't want to seem desperate but what if he thinks I'm not interested by doing this "let him chase me" thing?90% of me thinks/ knows that if he was keen he would get in touch, but there's 10% that remembers that he was quite shy about asking me out in the first place. Maybe he's a bit shy or just being a bit slow? Alternatively he got his goodies and has done a runner.I think if I sent a text he would just reply in a polite way and still not actually ask to meet up again, and then I'd be back to square one and not knowing what to do/ where I stand. But I don't want to outright ask him out on another date - I want him to ask me! I just don't know what to do. I've tried putting him out of my head but I can't. Feel free to be harsh if it sounds like I'm being a total idiot.
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female
reader, silly_person +, writes (31 March 2013):
silly_person is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty EmI actually deleted his number a few days ago, ready to forget and move on, but the iphone keeps the number in it's cache. I was typing in a colleagues name with first two initials and his name and number came up. Then I started wondering about texting him again! I sent him a friendly text this morning, saying hi hope you are feeling better, enjoying the weekend etc. No reply so at least I know he hasn't disappeared because I was being aloof or whatever. He's just gone. Oh well. Now I have to restore my phone as a new device so I don't see his name pop up everytime I type a new message to anyone starting with 'M'. I know it sounds daft but I just want to move on and not see his name on my phone!!!Wipe the slate (and phone) clean is exactly right. Thanks.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 March 2013):
 The good thing about him not coming back is, you have a clean slate. No akward explainations, no back tracking if he thinks you will jump into bed again, no worrying about him taking you the wrong way...you can just use it as a learning curve, think to yourself, 'Right I won't do it that way again!!'
You might be gloomy for a few days, but don't let it get to you. Seriously you arn't on your own in this and it's an easy mistake to make.
Forgive yourself, wipe the slate and start again!!!
and Happy Easter to you x
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 Ok, I'm going to be the oddball here...If he said he was feeling worse, why didn't you offer to bring over some soup or medication for him? Forget about what the next step should be. Treat him like a human being in need of some TLC. We are so mesmerized by all these experts telling us how we should act that we often forget to just be ourselves and go with the flow and stop stressing or trying to control the outcome of a relationship.
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A
female
reader, silly_person +, writes (31 March 2013):
silly_person is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenise, thank you. I should know better but got caught up in the moment. It was a mistake. He won't get in touch, but I know for next time. This was a hard lesson. A moment of fun leads to a week of misery. Aunty Em, thank you and I see what you are saying. I needed to hear that. No way am I going on the "shag pile". A moment of madness doesn't mean I'm signing up to any more madness. What pisses me off is that he must have some idea of me as an easy lay when I know I'm not 99% of the time. I could kick myself. Anonymous (female, most recent): I'd love to be all nonchalant and just ask after him but I would care too much about whether or not he responded etc. I decided I just can't risk the rejection / humiliation. Self esteem is already minimal. Catholic guilt after a one night stand with "you ^^^ed it up" all adds up to too much misery to be bothered with. Might purchase a chastity belt/ become a nun. ;-)
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 My father would have had some good advice for you, namely (as he told me many years ago) "A man chases a woman until she catches him."
What does this mean? I think it signifies that a woman can be friendly when a man invites her out, she shows an interest in him by asking him about his work, his interests, etc. without coming across as too nosy or inquisitive. Nothing wrong with a good night hug at the end of a date, or maybe a light kiss, plus if he has taken her out for a meal and perhaps a movie afterwards and paid for both, it is thoughtful to send him a note - at least an email, not text(!) to say she enjoyed the evening and to thank him.
This should leave him with a good impression of her (you) and hopefully encourage him to want to see you again......but by putting out on the very first date, as I mentioned before, and as the anonymous male pointed out you took his option (incentive) to chase you when you had sex with him way, way too soon.
Again, if he does contact you, go out somewhere with him - not back to your place or his! - and see how it goes. Then, after a while, you could invite him out to lunch and you pay for both of you - but this after he's treated you, or you've each paid your own way several more times.
And if he does not get in touch? Well, then you can learn from this and apply it next time you meet a guy.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): He said, he was worse, may be he is still ill. I would definitely text him, asking him how he is doing, it's just to show you care. Or can even ask him , if there is anything you can do.I really don't see such a big deal if you show a little interest. If I have to keep a guy by showing him constantly how cool I m and not clingy or whatever they call it, needy? For me it's too much work. If I m interested I don't want to feel afraid to show him that this is what it is, I m interested.And this is with everybody not just a guy I m romantically involved, even new friends that I make. If I like someone, I will show interest by asking if he/ she wants to do something, invite couple of times somewhere and see the reaction. If I don't get the message that this person shows much interest, I stop. For example, not wanting to be clingy, I met couple of girls through my international club. I invited one of them for a girls night out, and then she cancelled almost the last minute. I don't invite her anymore, and I see her now very rarely like every 3 months for some event. And it's always pleasurable but I understood where I stand with her. The same with another girl, I tried to initiate some closer contact, but we still keep seeing each other may be 5 times a year, for birthdays parties and occasional get together. And this is how it's been for the past 4 years. What I'm leading to, it never hurts to make a move, to show that you are ready for some kind of involvement with this person,and see what reaction is. Of course if you call him 2-3 times, and he never initiates contact,mthen you'll see he is lost case.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): "I really don't want to seem desperate but what if he thinks I'm not interested by doing this 'let him chase me' thing?"Sorry, but you took the "let him chase you" option off the table when you went to bed with him. He got what he wanted with minimal effort required."But I don't want to outright ask him out on another date -I want him to ask me!" Sorry, another card that's no longer yours to play. From a guy POV, you want more from him without having anything more to offer than what he already got from you. If you want to go out on another date, then take the initiatve and call him but frame the question as an offer, not a request, something like "A friend gave me two tickets for [event] on [date]. Are you free?" If he accepts, then great. If he politely begs off without suggesting another time, then you know where you stand with ego relatively intact.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 March 2013):
No contact for 4 days?...and this is a new guy who should be keen?...should be chasing if he's interested?
I think he's gone...or worse, he's put you on his 'shag only' pile and you might get a drunken 3am call when he's feeling lonely!!
Let's move on from there, let's look at how hard it is not to call a guy you like, let's talk about this ridiculous game we all play when we meet someone new.
Not sure if you met this guy from the internet or somewhere else but the rules of engagement have changed very little since the dawn of time.
Man meets woman
Man likes woman
Man chases woman
Man is intrigued by woman
Man chases her more
Man likes he so much he asks to go steady or be in a relationship.
Woman likes man
Woman has to act like Mother Teresa
Woman mustn't act like loose woman (even though we've all done it)
Woman waits to have sex and isn't called back
Woman has sex and isn't called back
Woman is confused
Woman chases man
Man runs away (if he wasn't gone already)
What does this tell us...
That for the majority of the time it has to be the man who makes the first move and the second move...and if she let's him, the third move and so on and so forth, because anything else just gets in the way of the natural order of things.
What choice does the woman have?...Only to say yes or no to subsequent dates when HE asks and HE chases!!
Sure she can call him and ask him on a date and he may very well show up and have a good time...but will he feel as if he's in control?...and will he feel 100% about the arrangement?...most likely not...because he's not doing the chasing.
There are exceptions to the rule...like if she's a particularly dominant sort and he's maybe a little lazy about chasing. Then things might go differently, but men pursue sex very early but they don't always expect to get it from someone who really catches their imagination or their heart.
I feel for you. Now you have the agonising wait to see which pile you are on,
The relationship pile (he would be calling and engaging)
The shag pile (he will most likely ignore you or pay you lip service until he gets drunk or horny or lonely, then he will call)
The game over pile (he won't contact you again)
Then there is the 'I'll take your crumbs' pile (where you text and call him and have to make all the effort to get the tiny scraps of attention he deigns to give you)
If he was keen, he would not have left it 4 days to contact you again. The 'post shag' text from him was just he's way of saying 'see i'm not an arse and thanks for the shag'
If you really want to see which way the cookie crumbles, text him and say you'd like him to join you on a date next week...it could get you into the 'shag pile' or he might decline and there you will have your answer.
It can't be any worse than the torment you are putting yourself through right now, so give it a go xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): clearly this guy was either just after sex, which he got and is now doing the old "im not well i'll text you later" routine in the hope you will take the hint, or he was put off by sex so early in the relationship and now has either regrets or, to be a little blunt, concerns that maybe you are too easy. Either way he would contact you if he wanted to take it further. Its now a week or so since your first question about this and still nothing from him. Its over. Sorry if that's blunt but I think you need to move on and learn form this mistake.I don't think your being a total idiot OP as I have been in the same situation myself several times. Despite being 99% sure the person had gone I always clung to that 1% that told me it was simply a case of them being genuinely ill, busy, or whatever. Not once did my persistence pay off.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 March 2013):
Don't send him another text. Wait and see if he contacts you.
After all, you only have his word for it that he was feeling unwell. You have no way of knowing if that was the case, or if he might have been trying to put you off. I mean, with text communication how could you possibly know if he's telling the truth or not?
If you think sending another text would only get you a polite response and no invitation to go out again, you should pay attention to that hunch. And yes, it could well come across as being too over eager to see him again.
So don't. If he's really interested he'll contact you - though keep in mind it might only be for sex. Sorry. But having sex on the first date doesn't really give him a whole lot of incentive to pursue you.......
Finally if he DOES get in touch and wants to see you again, don't have sex with him. His response will let you know clearly whether he only wanted to get laid, or if he might be interested in something more.......
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