A
female
age
30-35,
*iany2009
writes:right so im pregnant and I want to keep it as i belive that we have been stupid enough to get ourselves into this mess no will we have to live with the consiquences, however my boyfriend says that were are too young (were 20)) that hes in army and never around , that we dont have the time or money, and that we have only been together for 4 months, I lve him very very much and after listening to how much this was getting to him I told him i would get rid, but this has completly changed my feelings for him , im not even sure if i love him anymore i feels so hurt at how he has handled this situation and angry that he has so much control over me, i told him i Feel i cant be with someone who has this much control over me, and that I dont think that after the abortion that things will work with us , but he broke down into tears and told me that he loves me and he doesn't want to loose me, the thing is its like catch 22 if I keep the baby he will end up hating me for keeping it , If i get rid I will hate him for feeling pressured into doing it , either way our lives are a mess and the horrible thing is we have such a good relationship normally and really love and care for eachother but this is tearing us apart please help
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 June 2009):
 I think if you take an over view of what everyone has said here, it is pretty much that the baby is the thing you will most regret losing ... and that is the least you will feel. You could (and probably would) feel guilty for the rest of your life.
Your boyfriend's views are now kind of secondary. I know that's hard to take, and that is really why he is so upset, because he is desperately scrabbling to try and convince you not to ... do what is right. No, it isn't pretty, and that is why you are starting to feel not quite so stuck on him as maybe you were.
Do the right thing and it will all be fine.
Do the wrong thing and it will most likely be pretty awful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): I'm sorry but why is this about what your boyfriend thinks and what he wants?
What do YOU want? What about the child that's growing inside you? You and your boyfriend might split up in 2 weeks and he'll forget about the abortion. But you will never forget.
Life would be extremely dull if we planned every single second of it. Suprises is what life is about. That innocent baby didn't ask to be created, it's just asking to be looked after.
So what if he ends up hating you if you keep it? You'll be the one who gets the beautuful child, and he'll be alone. You don't owe him anything. And why would he hate you anyway? He can always walk away if he wants...
I think you need to stop thinking about what your boyfriend is going to think and figure out what is best for you and your child.
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female
reader, betty_black +, writes (17 June 2009):
 LazyGuy is right in some ways. Abortion is definitely not the easy way out. But having said that, you and your boyfriend already know that your relationship hasnt matured enough to take on the responsibility of a child yet and so you really need to think this through. Remember that noone else can make this decision for you. What helped me was weighing out the positives and negatives of an abortion and having the baby. As much as there was more positives for having it, the positives for having an abortion were alot more worthy. I mean for instance, once you have a child you dont have any freedom anymore. You have that child then for the rest of your life and thats it, once its done its done. I'm still pestering my parents for money and help now im 19! What im trying to say is, parenting never ends. And its a massive responsibility. It breaks even the strongest of couples up that have been trying for a baby. Ask yourself this, is it better to have an unwanted unplanned baby which you dont have the money to support and are probably gonna end up bringing up alone? Or ending it now before its too late, living your life a little and thinking about babies when your old enough and finacially able?
Yes, your boyfriend could die and you could never have the baby with him. But you've only been together four months, do you really only ever wanna have kids with him?
Its entirely your decision sweety. I know what a difficult position your in, and if you ever wanna talk you can PM me at any time. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): All I can say is that the emotional trauma of having an abortion is very high. You may never get over it. I am a firm believer things happen for a reason. Yes it wasn't planned but a planned life is dull and do you really think you'll be able to live with the regret of having an abortion? If you strongly wanted one, you wouldn't be asking this question. Deep down you know that even though the baby wasn't planned, it happened.
You will cope. Don't think you won't and if your bf hates you for haveing HIS baby then he isn't worthy of your time.
Thin long and hard about your decision because either way it'll change your life. Don't be afraid to have the baby. There is so much support and your bf should support your decision.
All the best sweetie and let us know what you decide.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 Catch 22? Don't you forget a couple of options?
A: You have the abortion, he starts to hate you for killing his child.
B: The abortion goes wrong, you can never have children again, he leaves you for a fertile woman.
C: You have the abortion, he is killed, you never have any more children with him.
D: You end up hating him for making you go throught this and end up splitting up.
Life can't always be planned. You have to make a choice, but don't fool yourself into thinking that an abortion is the easy way out or will magically make everything right in your relationship. He is starting to resent you for being pregnant and that won't go away. It is already telling that he seems to blame this on you. I am fairly sure he played a part in you getting pregnant.
You say your feelings for him have changed since he told you to get an abortion.
But all that is just avoiding the real issue. Can you terminate, no kill, what lives in side of you for convenience. Because that is what it is. You are hardly poor or to young. Plenty of others have faced far thougher scenario's. So the really for an abortion is for convenience. Not I think a good reason. And since you are asking here, when none of us have anything to do with it, I think you don't think it is a good reason.
You might want not to loose him but do you want to loose yourself all in the process of keeping a man who might leave anyway and is already starting to resent you for something HE caused just as much.
When you are 90 and on your death bed. What choice will you regret the most. Abortion or at worsed becoming a single mother at 20.
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female
reader, siany2009 +, writes (17 June 2009):
siany2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replys this is so hard for me and I really dont know what on earth im going to do. but i know I have to make a decision and fast x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Oh by the way, you can PM me any time because i'm due in two weeks, my hubby is deployed, we hardly have any money, and i'm living with his family.
So if you want someone to talk about how all that feels with, then i'm your girl!
~SY.
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female
reader, betty_black +, writes (17 June 2009):
If your mind is completely made up and you know that its the right decision for you to keep the baby then tell him thats what your doing and theres nothing he can do to change your mind. If he leaves you then he's an absolute coward and a failure of a man, you'll just have to stick it out alone.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 Your choice - so long as you do it really quickly - don't wait.
All that I would say is that about 11 years ago the girl who is now my wife got pregnant. It was too soon. I was on the other side of the world. She went to stay with her sister and had an abortion. I didn't push her in to it but I didn't stop her. In the Asian culture that we live in it would have be quite shocking for her to have had a baby before being married.
We have never discussed it, ever and no one in the world other than her sister knows. We are both very happy and we are very happily married BUT I know that on a June afternoon watching our three perfect, unique and absolutely wonderful children, each one of them so different from the other, playing in the garden I think to myself "What on earth have I done and what would that wonderful person have been like?". This is absolutely the opposite of what I want to think (those who have read my posts know that I'm hardly a moral hardliner) but that IS the thought that goes through my mind.
Good luck in making the choice that is right for you.
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female
reader, GabiLC  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 This is a followup answer: I believe that, deep down, you want to keep your baby. He doesn't really love you if he hates a part of you, sweetie. You can raise your baby on your own or wait for another caring guy to come into your life. There are many single mothers in the world who are very strong and intelligent women. There is alot of help out there for them. It's there for you too. I hope this helps.
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female
reader, siany2009 +, writes (17 June 2009):
siany2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am starting to come round to his way of thinking its just hard to think of getting rid of it :(
I really do want to enjoy my life and get my self settled and ready before i have children.
I think that in 2-3 years time I would have so much more to offer a baby..
I also think that in a few years myself and my bf will have got to know eachother alot more, and hopfully have devolped our relationship and trust and love for eachother.
The fact is that he is in the army and will always be away, I will be on my own with a child, where-as in a few years time things will be different and we will both get to enjoy haveing children and having our own family.
Its taken me a long time to even think of abortion as a possibility but now I think it makes more sense altogther.
at the moment i will be raising my child in my parents house with hardly any money and without my bf being around,
in a few years we will have our own home and be completly able and indepindently able to raise our child in the best possible way.
im just very scared of having a termination and i also feel that i should have been more responsible so now i need to face the music
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reader, siany2009 +, writes (17 June 2009):
siany2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks very much for your response, the thing is he has already told me this situation is making him hate me how do i bring a baby into the world into this situation?
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female
reader, GabiLC +, writes (17 June 2009):
First of all, your boyfriend does not have control over you in the way that you think he does. You control what you do and how you do it. Secondly, he is not going to hate you when you keep your baby; he can't. When he sees the baby for the first time, he will realize that the child is a creation from the both of you, a product of the person he loves and himself. Yes, having your baby will be costly, but many countries provide their service men and women and their families with benefits that may help. Now, when you both have your baby and you've come to the decision that you can't care for your child in the way you would like, you can put it up for adoption for another couple who can't have a child. Remember, you should not only consider your needs and wants, but your unborn child's life. I hope this helps.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 June 2009):
All of your argument is good apart from one thing - I believe you aren't right that if you keep the baby he will hate you. There are two experiences neither of you have had - one is having a baby, and the other is killing a baby. So for both of those situations you need to look at what people who have been through it think. What has happened to others in this situation? Well, these are the facts (and there are so many many examples to back this up on the net):
After an abortion:
- Lots of couples split up because the woman hates the guy for having made her have an abortion (same happened to me - I just didn't want him any more)
- Lots (and lots) of women suffer awful regret and quite a lot (like me) are totally upset by it and end up with anxiety, panic attacks and all sorts of things, and regret it forever, and spend the rest of their life trying to make up for it
After having a baby:
- Once the baby is born, every body adores him or her, and nobody ever ever says 'oh you should have had an abortion'
- Men who were against the pregnancy (and lots are, whatever their situation) completely change and adore their babies
Trust me, that is a summary of how things always happen.
Right now he is scared. Getting rid of the problem seems the ideal solution. But as you say, there's no going back now - ho w he behaves is changing your feelings towards him. You need to tell him that. Either he keeps you - and your baby - or he loses both of you. You are now a unit - you and the baby.
Trust your instincts, and save the baby, yourself, and your relationship. If he can only get on board with that, you're all in a win-win situation.
I was 21 when I got pregnant, and just 22 when I had the abortion. Everyone forced me into it to because other wise 'my life would have been ruined' - sadly it was ruined by the abortion. Well, that's my experience.
Don't be scared - I promise it will be fine.
email me if I can do anything!
nx
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female
reader, betty_black +, writes (17 June 2009):
I was in the same situation last month sweety. I thought i was pregnant (turns out i wasnt) my boyfriend said all the same things your boyfriend did. We hadnt been together long enough, didnt have the money and time to bring up a baby and that my life was only just starting. He made the right points but i had it in my head that i wanted to keep it.You need to think long and hard about it. In the end its completely your decision but your boyfriend has made clear points. It may seem like hes an arse now, but he is in the right. Just think about what kind of life your baby would have. Dads not around, mums got no money and is young and stressed out.... Youve got your whole life ahead of you and plenty of years to worry about babies. I put off an abortion for the exact reasons you did- we made the mistake now we have to live with the consequences. But who says?? If your not ready, your not ready. Its much fairer not to bring a baby into the world than to bring it into the world starving hungry and shitting itself cos you cant afford it. Just think, its not even a baby yet, its about the size of a pea, it has no feelings. Be sensible about the situation and think long and hard.
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