A
female
age
41-50,
*shamed_girl
writes:5yrs ago I was at a very bad place in my life I was addicted to crack and pills and in an abusive relationship. I lost my job because of drugs and to support my and my bf;s addiction I beganing doing things I am very ashamed of. I slpet with dealers for drugs, took money from his friends for sex and at the lowest of lows preety much became a prostitue for many of his friends and dealers.I hit rock bottom when I let him set up a group sex act with over 15 guys and myself. shortly after this I went back home and got my parents to help me clean up my act. I have been clean ever since, I havent been in a relationship until now, the guy is great. He is a school teacher , goes ot church and a single dad, he know that I had problems with drugs and has excepted that. I dont want to keep any secrets from him but I am afraid if i tell him he will leave me. Do i tel him about my past or keep it in the past.
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female
reader, DESTINY 23 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Im sorry that you went through this in your life and Im so glad you have pulled your life together and are doing much better.
I have to say my first reaction to your question is to tell him because you want to tell him everything and not keep anything back .... but you will risk losing him
My last relationship was kind of like yours he used heavy drugs and didnt tell me everthing . after time I learned more and it was hard to here it . I know you want to do the right thing but in this case I would say dont tell him
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I believe you already know the answer to this question. You made excuse after excuse to get high and now you're making the same excuses hoping that someone will tell you that it's ok to lie. Relationships are all about honesty and trust. Ask him if he wants to know and if he does then tell him everything. Then tell him that he has a choice to make: stay or leave. If all goes well then he'll accept you for who you are. If not you won't be living in a lie. Most guys will leave, i can tell you that right now. But lying your way into a relationship only leads to unhappy marriages and broken families. Do a search and see for yourself. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is doomed. It won't be easy to find happiness with a past like that but the "easy way" will get you into more trouble. Don't be a weak person anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Ashamed Girl, I'm "guy married to a former ashamed girl"... let me share my story... you might like it...
At 40, I found myself divorced after 9 years... single and after a year ready to date... spent a year dating... and finally met a woman that seemed to have her act together.
We did the dating thing, and on the first date (a benifit) there was an open bar, I offered to get her a drink and she asked for club soda- I thought nothing of it, didn't care if she drank (alcohol) or not... we had a great time that night. Met for lunch the next day, enjoyment for both of us continued... kept it up for several weeks and we both realized that this was serious and we wanted to be exclusive... the entire time, we're having good dates, she's not drinking & I don't really care... I am a reasonably light drinker... One day I can tell she's tense and has something to tell me... it's her 12th AA birthday, and it's celebration night at her AA group in a week- and I'm invited.
While it was a bit of a surprise, what I'd already come to realize was here's someone who's got her act together, is educated, well employed (both were lacking from my 1st marriage), honest, responsible... the list goes on...
In my life my ex-wife was none of these, my mother was an untreated alcoholic (passed away years ago) and her mom was 10x worse... I thought, WOW, here's someone who's been though alot, and come all the way back.
Since then, I've learned all I need to about her past, there were some dark times, there was alot of drinking, alot of drugs, alot of sex... she remembers some of it, but not all... there were plenty of car crashes, run-in's with the police- lawyers, being expelled from high school (and very presegious private school- they'd had ENOUGH of her shit on the first offense...)
Long story short is that the more I learned the more I respected and loved her. I don't need to know the details, and frankly I don't care- what I do care about is that she walked every step she had to for me to meet her the day I did. Life for both of us has been great and we just celebrated 7 years of marriage, have a beautiful home, good jobs, and a wonderful life together. I even did a few years in Al-anon, which was really good for me... having grown up with the alcoholics had left some baggage I didn't realize.
Today, I'm a huge fan of AA, love going to conferences with her, don't do many meetings but she still hits 2 or 3 a week. It's a wonderful fellowship and she's an active sponser of women and has a sponser, who has a sponser... it's the best program for her disease, and I let her pratice it as she needs to... it's never come between us, and I'm grateful that it saved her life.
So, a long story to assure you that in my case, the details of my wifes (former) addiction are not important to me... what is important is that she's clean, and helping others, which in turn helps her stay clean. I'm married to a great example of someone who's been there, done that, and lived to tell- but doesn't need to.
I don't care how many people she might have slept with or under what conditions, she's healthy now and I'm her husband proud to have her one my arm anywhere, anyplace.
I'm sure your man doesn't care about specifics, and isn't dating the woman who did all that stuff... you're not that person anymore!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I vote to come clean. He might be able to handle it or he might not, but that's his decision to make.
If you are pretty sure he'll have a hard time with it and you wait until things have gotten serious and then tell him, I think that is an unfair kind of emotional manipulation.
Maybe you don't have to tell him every detail if he tells you he doesn't want to hear it. But he shouldn't be in the dark about the general ideas.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I tried to PM you but for some reason I was unable to, so I'll post part of what I said here...Maybe I'll be able to finish it at some point but I am having some mailbox issues.
Do you have an NA or AA sponsor, or are you going it alone? I know its pretty tough especially given the hell of a road you've been down. So I guess in the interim, I think maybe as long as you feel comfortable with the secret, and as long as you recognize if the guilt over it becomes a trigger, then you might as well keep it close to the vest unless there is something like a visit from an old friend that might throw your sobriety out the window.'
Regardless, in this instance your sobriety is what is important here. And if you feel that telling him would lead to you getting wasted again then keep it to yourself.
I know its a catch-22 and many hardline recovering addicts would say tell him right off the bat, but I think as long as the boat is not rocking, then don't tempt fate with him.
Incidentally, do you have any family or support system in place at all?
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A
female
reader, ashamed_girl +, writes (7 October 2009):
ashamed_girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrimmReality - Congrats on 8 years of being clean.
I will be honest to tell you that the last five years have been really tough, in the begining I made excuse after excuse to give up and go out and drink and get high. The first 18 months I slipped alot, but since then I can honestly say that I havent had any set back. I cut all ties with my former circle of friends, I got a new job and recently my own apartment. My bf is very supportive and has taken our relationship slow at my request because I needed to amke sure that I could handle all the new ups and downs of a relationship. And thigns have been fine, I am not sure how he would handle the news of my past to be honest. I hope he cares enough about me to realize that the person who did those thigns is not the person I am now, I would love to talk to you more about this so please pm me with any advice. Thank you
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I think you should keep it in the past. If he wants to know about your past explain you did things you are ashamed of and want to forget about it.
If he really wants to know and you two get serious then tell him the truth.
Good Luck and Good for you getting out of the bad situation! :)
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (7 October 2009):
I commend you for getting clean(I myself have been clean now over 8 years as I am a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict myself).But what happens if he finds out about it? Are you going to use this secret as a crutch or a trigger to pick up and use again? There are a lot of factors you must take into account that something like this does not blow your sobriety. Because these are the type of things we have to face when the fog clears.You may be clean, but are you working a program right now?I will hold my advice until you let me know how you are doing in your sobriety, because I of all people can see how damaging and what a "damned if you do, damned if you don't situation" it is.Please feel free to PM me if you feel more comfortable.GR
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