A
female
age
36-40,
*iss_confused87
writes:I have posted a few questions about this problem but here we go again. I'm married and have been having a 'thing' with a married man. After months of flirting, sex, hundreds of texts, I realised I had fallen for this other man. To the point I would have left my husband for him. I told him that he needed to make a call about our relationship. In short, he ran for the hills. He now just ignores me. I'm so hurt and feel like i've lost a lover and one of my closest friends.I know he has never cheated before but I really did think he was a good guy. I know, I know - married man- only wants sex etc etc but it really wasn't like that. We supported each other, encouraged each other in work, going back to uni and had good fun/ laughs. He hasn't explained to me why such a drastic change of heart. But it's clear he wants to be with his wife. If he has been lying to me for thr last year, and to his wife - he obviously isn't a very nice guy. Now my dilemma is the overwhelming urge to tell his wife what sort of man he really is. The problem is that it would make me a total hypocrit. So should I tell my husband and his wife what has been going on - allowing them to make an informed decision and know the truth. Or should I just keep quiet? My head is a total mess over this and it's all I can think about!
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affair, flirt, married man, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): Yes, I'd rather know than be played for a fool for years.
However, you are one of the people who played her for a fool.
If anyone has the right and responsibility to tell his wife, it is him, or your husband, but your husband doesn't know you've been shagging someone else, and therefore can't tell her.
Your responsibility lies with your actions.
You sound just pissed that you got taken for a fool.
Remember, this is usually what happens in affairs, one or the involved persons ends up looking like a fool, either the man or the woman, and wishing they didn't look like that in front of the world.
Get in good with your husband again, and the other guy may very well want to get back with you...but he's not looking for a relationship, just sex, and big ego boosting that goes along with having another man's woman (or another woman's man) making him (you) feel better than the other man (woman in your case).
A
male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 To answer your question OP, yes i would rather know. The thing is however,you have to give him the same time and space to decide how, when and if to tell his wife as you've had with telling your husband.
I get it. You expect him to come back because he has before, and you want it all out in the open so you can skip to that part and be with him. The problem is, he has to want it too.
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A
female
reader, Miss_confused87 +, writes (31 July 2011):
Miss_confused87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with the majority of the comments. There is a big bit of me that wants to hurt him back. I can't help but think if it's out in the open we won't go back there in the future. I'm in no doubt he will be back in touch, this has happened before.
I do think it's horrible but I do think that I would rather know if my husband was cheating on me. I have been working up the courage to tell my husband, the biggest delay is that If I tell him, my other relationship deffo has to end.
It's not that I dont love my husband.... I wouldn't go looking for someone else to be with or cheat with a random. I feel a real connection with this other man. Politically, intellectually, everything is compatible. I feel like he is my soul mate. The relationship was deep, he has made me want to be so much more and really motivated me. I know I need to work on my marriage and get over this other man. My husband and I went through a dark time and we are only just coming out of it now. If it's out in the open, it's a fresh start and takes away temptation.
Again...yes it would hurt everyone involved- but wouldn't you rather know?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Your problem is with you and your marriage. Not your lover's wife.
Your motivation is clearly suspect, and wrong.
Face up to your own behavior. You've got plenty of work to do there rather than creating one hell of a distraction by setting off a bomb for 3 other people.
Get yourself a therapist/counselor and go find out why you've been unfaithful. That will likely open a bunch of issues. Then you can work on why you'd choose to be so vindictive by telling "our spouses" but under the delusional guise of doing the right thing.
Find yourself a good therapist and start working on this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): You need to be talking to your husband, not to his wife.
You knew he was married, this is a classic end to an affair.
"I know he has never cheated before"
No, you don't. You only know what he has let you know, what you wanted to believe.
In the end you weren't so special, no more special than his wife. Keep that in mind when he comes running back again.
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A
male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (31 July 2011):
No offence, but seriously? Whilst your post is well worded and seemingly rational, even if you don't know it, you reason for wanting to tell his wife stems from the inability to have him, not the desire to "show her what sort of man he really is". After all, you fell for him. Seems like an action you wouldn't have considered before his "drastic change of heart".
My advice? Leave him to deal with his spouse and you with yours.
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