A
male
age
,
*hil052
writes:I'm a married man in my early 50s with a big secret. I've developed a habit of visiting massage parlours and receiving massages that end with sexual stimulation and orgasm. This started a few months ago and I love the excitement of heading into the unknown. I've been married for 18 years and we have only occasional sex. I love my wife but I find I look forward to the secret massages more than sex with my wife. I feel terrible guilt and feel I should stop, but I can't. I tell myself that it is a better option than having an affair.Should I tell my wife about my habit? It may end my marriage if I do, but it may be better than her finding out for herself.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 February 2017):
 Well I am glad to hear that you have stopped visiting them. Hopefully not telling her will work out for you.
A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (14 February 2017):
Phil052 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just to follow up on this, and to thank you for your replies. I've decided (a) not to tell my wife about the visits, and (b) to stop the visits to massage parlours. I haven't been to one since I posted the original question. Maybe it was something I just needed to get out of my system, and I didn't have the will power to stop. I don't know, but things have been better between us recently and my marriage is where I am now concentrating my efforts.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 January 2017):
Do you think you will tell your wife?
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (4 January 2017):
Phil052 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I know I deserve all the criticism received and I know that I should channel my efforts into my marriage rather than seeking illicit thrills. Yes, I would be shocked if my wife behaved in the same way. Our marriage is often a battleground, with my wife not happy with our relationship. To put it bluntly, she is always trying to change me into something I am not.The massage parlours are a temporary escape. A liaison with someone who wants nothing in return, except payment. That is the attraction I think. I need some thinking time and to re-evaluate my behaviour. We have talked about the dwindling sex, but she thinks all marriages are about the man wanting more sex than the woman. I'm not sure that is true in all cases. I just find myself thinking about sex all the time which is a bit of a problem. I have not had sex with another woman since we got married, until the massage parlour visits.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (4 January 2017):
 I can understand how you feel. I was in a celibate marriage however the only thing that bothered me about the no-sex was that I wanted children. What did I do? I had an affair and I have been married to that man for 15 years now. I feel ashamed of what I have done believe me I 'aint proud.
What about the impact on others? Most people will react with disgust to your question. Also saying that you are having an affair. What if the massage parlours did not exist? many would participate in extra -marital sex in other ways and they do.
With girls in massage parlours the relationship is transient, just physical, devoid of any emotion.
Yes I do believe you do love your wife.
I would not be very happy if my husband went to a massage parlour, but would be even more worried if he was emotionally involved with someone who would eventually steal him away from me.
In the parlours the girl gets her money, you get your thrill, both parties are happy. Its purely business a transaction between the both of you. You have probably forgotten all about the girls you have been to see, they have forgotten you. This does not make it right I am NO-WAY condoning it, I am just trying to see it from a realistic, adult, standpoint.
There are health issues for you and your wife (although you are probably more likely to catch something from someone who had an emotional affair with, because you may not use protection because the luurrve has taken over. Hopefully if the girls are very professional they will get regular check-ups and use condoms etc, HOWVEVER the risk is still there for you and your wife.
There are also other risks, the girls may be okay, but what others are hanging around in the background, clients get attacked and ripped off just like girls do.
If you carry on you will be caught, so you have a choice whether to stop or not, and tell your wife. If you do you may end your marriage, only YOU know how firm the foundation is that your marriage is built on.
Your wife will be humiliated, disgusted and hurt. She may want to run off to get tested for STDs etc. ( That is not meant to be an insult to you. Its is because of the view of prostitution as such a social evil.) Its the view that you should only sleep with someone you love, (I share that view you may be amazed to know and also I am very religious). But this is cold and hard, the selling and buying of sex no more no less. You have been caught up into this exciting world, BUT it can have its down sides too, punters get attacked, ripped off, a girl could let the "cat out of the bag" and ring you, or a text could be found.
And there is a risk of catching something, yes, as I have mentioned before. It would be okay me or any of the other aunts or uncles to say, "Do the right thing confess" but remember its not us that will be there when you tell your wife, and it wont be us that will have to take the consequences.
If it was me I would be in a dredful state but I would admire you for your honesty and wanting to make my marriage work. Your wife will have unfortunately try and get her head around the fact that this was purely physical with no emotions attached. And that it was NOT an affair. That may disgust her in itself to know that the man she thought she knew could be so emotionless. So you have got to be prepared
As one anonymous reader quite rightly put, Give your wife an opportunity to meet your needs. You obviously care about your wife a lot to want to tell her. So you have a decision to make. I really do hope that you give these parlours up and get out of it while you can. Build on the lovely marriage you have of 18 years. Sex is not everything. When you are 80 odd and you cant get it up anymore, you will still have the loving company of your wife, no masseuse can ever give you that. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2017): You are in a very tough position.
While I can understand that a man has needs and that his needs are being unmet in a marriage, this is not the way to solve your problems. Clear, honest communication WITH YOUR WIFE about your needs should have been your first and only option here. Instead you sat and suffered in silence. Likely did not have the guts to have that discussion and instead of facing the truth and trying to work through the problems as a couple, you just decided to bail and to escape for awhile and find the easy way out. Instant gratification. Quite the allure for a drowning man, isn't it? So you have had an amicable existence. Comfortable if you will but deep down, you have been living a lie. The weight of that lie becomes much too hard to bear in time. The only way to work through problems is head on and with brutal honesty and communication. Seeking a band aid in anonymous sex does not solve a thing. It just prolongs the inevitable. Which is the deterioration of your marriage. Thanks to your bad choices. You took the easy way out. And that road, is only going to lead to hardship.
I will tell you this. You might as well be having an affair. Why? Because what you are doing is just as bad. You are cheating on your wife. And it isn't with one long-term mistress. It is with a parade of nameless, faceless women who are there to provide your happy ending after you pay them. You are not special to them. You are just a few dollar bills. They are acting. Nothing more. I am not sure how that can feel any good. And conversely, what kind of a woman does this? They are pretty scummy and low, that is for sure. Be very careful they don't give you a disease. It is highly likely they are full of them as what they do to you, they do to all kinds of other men. I don't get the appeal at all. How this trumps the intimacy one has with a woman whom a man has known for a long time and has shared experiences and life is beyond me. The warmth and lovingness of your own wife is always better than a random stranger who is play acting on cue and doesn't give a shit about you at the end of the day. Just your credit card or cold, hard cash.
You think it will mean less to your wife because they were strangers? Because you paid them? Because it was just "physical" and meant "nothing?" Think again.
You should have thought about this BEFORE destroying your wife. BEFORE. Not after. Is it because your guilty feelings have finally dawned on you? And now to alleviate them, you feel a need to confess?
Yes, you are going to hurt her. This will tear her apart. No doubt about that. And yes, be prepared for the end of your marriage. I highly doubt your wife will be able to get over this. And even if she did forgive you, how could she trust you ever again? Not to go back and do this? After all, it seems to have developed into a habit or addiction for you. It won't be so easy to give up.
I believe the moment you stepped into this deep, dark world of sexual addiction is the moment you left your wife behind. The moment you gave up on her and your marriage. I think a part of you wants to be free. Wants to tell her and not feel guilty anymore. You may be hoping she is forgiving but you are also preparing for the worst.
You do not sound very remorseful. If you felt terrible guilt, that guilt would stop you dead in your tracks. THE FIRST TIME you did this. But the guilt is not enough to stop you. You are getting too much pleasure from your addiction. And so you compartmentalize and put it all away so as not to address that it even happened. Keeps you sane or at least for now. And so nothing else matters. Not even the woman you vowed to be faithful to for the rest of your life. And no, you don't love her. You cannot love someone you cheat on. Because love is not selfish. It is not self serving. You only love yourself. If you loved her, you would never do anything to her that would hurt her. You would have empathy for her. But you don't. You never once considered her feelings. Just your own. I don't understand why a man's cock has so much power over him. So much so that he will ruin his life over it. And most often, he will regret it. Because men who do this will end up losing a woman who was good for them, loyal and loving, for the sake of a quick yank or a quick fuck. In the end, they realize what kind of pain is inflicted on their wife once they see her destroyed in front of their very eyes. And then it hits them. What an asshole they were. But they can't go back now. It's over.
I think you should tell her. I think she needs to know what kind of a man she is married to. And I think she needs to have a fair chance to make her own choices about her future based on the TRUTH and NOT on LIES.
I am not sure what caused your marriage to be sexless or when the sex stopped but that is a ticking time bomb for disaster. And it has been proven in your case. I am wondering if you ever sought help regarding this disconnect in your marriage? Did you ever address it or talk about it with your wife? Are you a good husband or did you cheat before? Is there a reason your wife emotionally disconnected from you? Why did you lose your intimacy with each other? Marriage is not a life sentence. But most people stay married out of fear and habit and obligation. And yet in private go out and get their thrills. And that is not fair to your wife. You cannot have it both ways. I think you need to tell her. And let her make her choice. I think you have already made yours. You left your marriage a few months ago.
So sad that so many men inflict such severe emotional distress and damage on the psyche and heart of a woman. So purely selfish. And cruel.
You have no idea what it does to us. To our self esteem, to our self worth. It makes us feel worthless. Like we were not good enough. Makes us feel abandoned. Like somebody was better than we were. Makes us feel so alone. Nothing hurts more than being cheated on. Women are very emotional and there is nothing that will hit her harder. I know. I have been there and I still feel worthless and abandoned even after all these years.
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A
female
reader, worriedgirl2012  +, writes (3 January 2017):
Technically you are having an affair. If you feel so guilty, tell her. But you're making the decision to go to the parlors, so you need to accept that if the marriage ends that is because of your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): I disagree that your "massages" cause less damage than a sexual affair. You are having a sexual affair. You need to come to terms with that first. Second - communication!! Give your wife an opportunity to meet your needs. Do NOT give her an ultimatum, but an opportunity. There are sexual workshops available for married couples, throw that on the table to let her know you are willing to do your part and just how serious this issue is.
I was in your wife's shoes at one time (after the birth of my second child). I had no interest in sex whatsoever. I very selfishly withheld sex from my husband simply because I didn't want it. I never considered his suffering until he blatantly laid it down for me. What made it easy for me was his willingness to pleasure me without a return. He wanted me to want it, again. And his devotion to my needs helped me get there.
Please, give your wife an opportunity. I highly recommend sex therapy, get some advice on spicing up the mundane. Blah - who wants that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): Yes, you should be honest with your wife. When you love someone you don't do things you know will hurt them. If you found out she was doing this, how would it make you feel?
I can understand you've been married awhile and its exciting but figure out ways to make it more exciting between the two of you. If you can't, maybe its time to end the marriage.
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