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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for 8 years. Last year I found out that his first marriage ended because he had an affair with his mother-in-law. His two teenage children don't know about this and because of his guilt he lets them get away with awful behaviour. They say I have come between them and their father. They talk about their grandmother with affection, yet hate me.Should I tell them the truth and can I trust a man who has done something like that and can keep up the pretence for over fifteen years?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): no dont tell them it might upset them and they probably wont believe you
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2005): You have found yourself in a tricky position, and only you can decide what the best course of action is. The ties of blood and familiarity are ones you should dare not cross. Chances are your partner has issues way beyond his secret that are responsible for his lack of discipline towards his children. Don't let them abuse you or themselves, but don't take the burden of a disfunctional family onto your shoulders. Honestly, I don't see how telling them could possibly make things better-it would only make them worse. They teens and yourself aren't responsible for his actions, he is. Don't let him get away with pawning the repercussions of his mistake off to anyone but himself. Too many men get away with this-cheating and making the family pay for their mistake. I don't trust liars personally, but I also believe people can learn from their mistakes-it's a sign of intelligence. If you are getting verbally abused by these kids and your mate is not sticking up for you by trying to show them the qualities about you that he loves, then he is as self-involved as you seem to fear he is. I fyo are content with the current situation and can see the possibility for creating an environment of love and honesty, then you should stay and talk to your mate about amending his home. If you are being abused emotionally and mentally, I do not suggest sticking around. Being hated by the offspring of the man you love does not sound conducive to happiness.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (11 June 2005):
 My first thought when I read your letter was where the mom was on all of this; she was obviously devastated by the double betrayal by a husband and her own mother and here she's got to keep it all under wraps for the sake of the children. That is heavy-duty self-sacrifice.No, you can't tell them. It's not your place. Perhaps when the kids are adults, their mother will elect to tell them and they can make their own choice about having a relationship with their father and grandmother.But you won't be there to find out, because you're getting out now. No, you cannot trust him. And putting that aside, how yucky is it to be in a relationship where your partner lets his kids think *you* are the bad guy to save his own neck?I'm sure you're deep into this, but I really think you're better off cutting your losses and moving on. Be glad you didn't actually marry this guy. Be glad he didn't do this to you and *your* children with him.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (11 June 2005):
 Unless you really want to come between the man and his children I wouldnt say a word. You really would be the ogre if you spilt the beans. Maybe have a chat with him and express your concerns over the matter, and that you find it really hard to earn the respect of children and that it upsets you that no matter what you do they seem to have no regard for you. the thing here is that his children will always come first, and if that means he has to keep up some pretense then thats what he will do. I really think you need to talk to him about what happend, before making any rash decision. If you two love each other, and after all you have been together for 8 years then there shouldnt be any reason for it not to work out. If you are having doubts then you really do need to sort these out as it will destroy the both of you. Ask him about the affair if you are that uncertain and see if you can get some middle ground here. Without talking to him, things will just sadly go from bad to worse as it will eat away at you. Just sit down and be civilised to him and explain how you feel, if you are meant to be together things will pan out for you.Take care
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