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anonymous
writes: I am a 23 year old female. My boyfriend is 31 and has a six year old daughter with his ex wife. Every Friday he drives 45 mins to drop his daughter off at her mum's and picks her up every Sunday. His ex texts him quite often asking him to do things with regards to their daughter. It winds me up and I know it shouldn't. I keep telling him that if she wanted to see her daughter she should make the effort to pick her up and drop her off. He recently referred to her as a friend and that's why he doesnt want to start arguing with them. He said they always got on better when they were apart. They have been split up for two years now. I am his first serious partner since then and he has recently told me he wants to get engaged. No one in his family has a nice word to say about his ex, she was a drug addict and cheated on my partner a lot. He often says the whole relationship was a big mistake. I know he loves me so much he is so good to me but why can't I understand his situation. Is it because I'm too young? Or is it right that she gets to me? please help.xxx
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female
reader, Rainey  +, writes (6 September 2008):
Sweetheart, forget it. I'm twice your age, and have learned,that divorced people with kids belong together, and those without kids should be together. You are too young to devote yourself to this. Move on. Find your own man, and your own family. Years from now, you will ask yourself "what was I thinking?" You don't need to have somebody elses man. Get your own, who can devote themselves to you. I'm 55 and still dealing with my spouse's adult children, who wish me gone. Run, don't walk! You will always be at the bottom of the food chain to the kids. Why do that when you can start fresh? Rainey
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I totally know how you feel hon, I so know my hubby loves me but i'm at the stage of walking away cause i just can't deal with the ex and the stuff she inflicts on my life. I was single for 10 plus years and thought all my dreams had come true when I met my man, but the pain and torment the ex is causing me (in her unsubtle ways) is unbearable.
What can I say, the buggage is way too heavy for this pack horse.
I wish you luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): Well, I am 22 with a 33 year old man who had a wife before and they have a boy and girl together. We have been together almost 4 years and he hasn't seen his ex wife in almost 6 years. However, he calls to talk to his children on the weekends since school is in the week, but when he calls him he never speaks to his ex wife(she cheated on him and denied it-he had proof-later divorced). I know he loves me and he shows it, if he really loves you, he would respect you and plus, if he really didn't have feelings for his ex, he would not have to talk to her. It was hard in the beginning yes, because she would try and try to talk to him on the phone but he said that what they were is the past, and the kids they made are the now, so the kids is all they need to worry about not eachother. example: When it came to his daughter 15th birthday(quincenera) which is like a sweet 16 here, she had a huge party with both his family and her family there, and since im his new wife i went and yes she did not like that and came over to us and said why did you bring her she has nothing to do with this...and he said she was wrong, that im his now and his future and his kids are as much a part of his life as i am therefore im his family just as his kids are and that she is just her, his ex, no longer his now or his future, just the kids, and yes she did not like that but thats when you know a man really is over his ex. he don't do anything special for her, he only cares for the kids. I am now pregnant with our first child and everything is great. Now keep in mind, I was jealous too, but I let him know how I felt in the very beginning and I waited to see if the relationship was worth the wait, if he was the one...I never pushed him into anything or showed any anger I just watched and observed and thats how I knew he really loves me. All I'm trying to say is if he has full custody then he shouldn't ever have anything to say to her in the first place, if she can't pick up her own daughter then she dont really care or she's using it to see if he will bring her over and in her mind she believes he still cares...but if he continues the way he does he's actually harming his daughter by portraying a friendship with her mother when their not together...thats how psychological problems and anger problems in kids develop. They see one thing but hear another...its not healthy for the little girl or you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): I have the same problem realy.
My partner has a daughter to a x and he constatly trys to make trouble.
phones up and puts the phone down on me even if they have been split for over 4 years.
But she may talks about him alot and sumtimes i ask her if she is realy over him and she says she is and that he was a dick any ways she dont call him by his name the dick.
one night while in bed she got a text from him was 4am yeh it was about his daughter but at 4 am for gods sake she turned and said aww thats nice.
I was making love to her at the time.
she turned and fell aleep.
Now i know that my partner loves me i have no doughts about that and we have plans.
And he has to be in her life for the sake of the small one .
but where do u draw the line ?
is it right for my partner to do or say things like this or is it my insercurities that make me think eeem.
thankies
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Im in the same situation ao i know how you feel. im 26 hes 31. same story to the T. Divorced 2 years she was a cheater and they have 3 kids together. She calls him to help her do a lot of things (IE get her car outta impound) i keep tellin him that i feel threatned by her and i think thats what your going thru too. U have to deal with the fact that u will always have to share him with her and it makes you crazy!!!! Im still trying to come to terms with it. but the anger always comes down to fear. and i know that my fear is that ill be the 2nd wife in rank forever. That she will take priority over our family cause she was there first and they have kids. I think in the end its a trust thing too. U may feel like shes interfering on purpose. Maybe she is maybe not but somehow you have to learn to call a truce and trust that he loves you enought to put you first. There is nothing you can do about her but make sure that u voice your opinions in a calm and un accusing manner to him. If hes doing something with her that makes you uncomfortable u need to let him know. Remember that hes in a tough spot too.He loved her and has to deal with her forever whether he likes it or not because of the kids, and he loves you and doesnt want u to be unhappy. its a rock and a hard place! My BF often tells me hes afraid i wont be able to handle the situation and i will leave. But thats what it comes down to. can you come to an agrement and accept the reality as is, or cant you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): hello, iv just found this site so thought i would post my dilemma. I have been with my boyf for about 2 months now. I found out about a week into our relationship that, a girl he met up with once and slept with is pregnant, and is wanting to keep the baby. He told me he decided before he met me, he didnt want to be with her, but wanted to do the right thing and be there for the baby. He now tell's me he loves me, and I mean everything to him, and even though it may be tough, he wants us to work our way through this together. Am I right to stay with him and give him the chance to see if our relationship works out despite this new baby coming along? Or do you think there relationship together will become stronger, because she is having there child? Im confused as to what to do, and dont want to get hurt if I put all my energy into this relationship for him to dump me for her, as I love him dearly!
Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): it really drives me mad, he is a good father and all the rest that goes with it. Dont you find it funny that he only became that wonderful father when he met you? I am going through the same thing my partner has an wife and children and all the time he was still living with her it was "i can't stand her" "i would fancy her if she was the last person on earth" dont be fooled by him they use the kids as their excuse to keep an eye on the ex/wife, ever heard of the i dont want them but no one else can. Dont be blind i have been an ex wife and now i am dealing with the wife. A man will only do what he wants and while he is having his cake and eatting it as they say he will never change what is not wrong for him, but if it was the other way round wonder how understanding he would be. Finding a decent person to love is hard enough without all the heart ache that his ex and children bring. Ask yourself this does he not want you to love him above all else and be the only number one in your life and the moment he feels he is not he throws his dummy out of the pram............
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female
reader, weebee  +, writes (18 June 2007):
to answer that honestly i think your jealous of his ex because she has given him something so special and that is his daughter. no one knows what unconditional love is until those who have a child but u have got to understand altho he respects his ex theres a difference between that and loving her.
you feel left out but he is in love with you, hes loves his daughter and he respects his ex for bringing such joy in his life but that is it. At the end of the day he has chose you. You need to think long and hard about how much you want this man in your life and if you cant accept his daughter then you need too walk away now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): Sometimes i feel like its just not worth it, life feels so short... not only does he work away all week but we have his daughter (3 Yrs old) every weekend. When is my time? I am 28 years old and don't have any kids of my own, but really want one by the time i'm 30. Weve been together nearly two years and 75% percent of the time its great but now hes called me her name three times this weekend, his family talk about her and i'm ready to burst. I wanna be Me not his EX... I wanna shout Hello its me!!!! I love him and his daughter so so much but feel like im locked in a corner .... I wanna be the most special person in his life and you know what when they have a child with someone else your not. As they push so much love in their direction to make up for not being there all the time. Help?????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): I think a lot of the answeres on this page are woefully sanctimonious to you, and are not adressing the central issue, that outside of the obvious need to co parent the child amicably, the parents need to remain frieindly, but not friends, freindship is a major aspect of any marriage, and it is inapproppriate to continue this once he has formed another relationship with you, friendship implies love and sharing confidences and mutual support, this is not neccessary in order to co parent a child, and it is damaging to your new life for your partner not to draw up clear bounderies about what his role is in his ex's life.
Also i feel it is important to acknowlege that some exe's DO use devious means to draw their old partner back into their lives uneccessarily, using their only trump card, the child, knowing that the old partner will go along with this rather than rock the boat, and will believe what they want to believe for the sake of seeing their child, and another thing, they have never experienced the ex wife behaving in this way before, and assume that they are being genuine at all times, not taking into account that her feelings might have become more complicated since you came on the scene.
It is a difficult situation, but it need not be impossible, just because the child is of central importance, this does not mean you have to do all the accommodating.
I am very familiar with this, 'we get on better now than when we were together', i have heard it many times from different sources, and no doubt they do now they don't have to live together, but it just isn't 'on' to re discover what you first liked about your ex once you're in a new relationship.
Tell your partner that co parenting is one thing, but that his loyalties should rest only with his child and you now, and if there are any issues still remainig between them, he had no right to draw you into his life in the first place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007): Your feelings are perfectly natural, she is his ex and they have a child together; a tie you can do nothing about. It is important to not get involved in what she is like and how she treated him, those issues are in the past and are not really anything to do with your relationship. Express how you feel to your partner, whilst it may be acceptable that he maintains civil contact for his daughter if 'friends' is not acceptable to you then tell him how it makes you feel. Do not let these issues tear you apart. Additionally in my experience the 'ex' often has a hold when children are involved and she needs to realise you are now the woman in his life; always be polite and never sink to any name calling etc no matter what she does. Remember you are the better person. You are the future she is the past!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): i am 26 years old and i was with my ex for 6 years and she had a daughter that was 3 years old. the daughter never knew her father cause he was in jail, so i raised the girl as my own, i made my ex get child support from the father when he got out of jail, and he wanted to see his daughter now oblviously, so it was uncomfortable for me but i managed. i was then on the rocks with my ex some years later and i decided to call it quits when the unthinkable happens, she's pregnant. so we get back together for a year and a half and i coulndt take it anymore, they left far away and i seen my daughter and ex step daughter every month for a week, i made a real effort seening my kids, i have been with my new girlfriend for a year now and we moved closer to my kids so i can see them more frequently, but my GF has a hard time dealing with my relationship with the oldest girl thats not mine, and why i should keep up the relationship with her! i have told her i raised the kid from 3 to 9 so she is my daughter, my oldest daughter has been having a hard time with the change and i often think that my relationship with the girl will fade as she gets older, she is 11 now but when she is 16 will she still call me dad, or think why? he only raised me for 6 years! hes not my dad. her father is back in jail, or rehab so my ex does not get support from him so i buy the girls clothes and things, my ex givs me grief and a hard time about not given her enough money and this causes stress between me and my GF. WHAT DO I DO? DO I KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OLDEST FOR AS LONG AS THE OLDEST DECIDES! OBLVIOUSLY RIGHT BUT I SHOULDNT HAVE TO KEEP SUPPORTING A KID THATS NOT MINE NOW RIGHT? I DONT PAY SUPPORT FOR THE OLDEST BUT I BUY HER CLOTHES AND THINGS JUST AS I BUY MY LITTLE ONE THINGS. YOU CANT JUST BUY THINGS FOR THE YOUNGEST AND NOT THE OLDEST! MY GF THINKS I SHOULD GET A COURT ORDER FOR JOINT CUSTODY OF MY DAUGHTER SO SHE CANT SAY NO WHEN I ASK FOR HER FREQUENTLY, BUT THIS WONT SOLVE EVERTHING! SEND ME ADVISE PLEASE
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): I am glad I was able to read all of your stories you have helped me calm down. I've become a crazy person. The thoughts of him speaking to her on the phone drives me nuts. It just sucks to share your man with a women she does not deserve him. I do truly love this man he is a wonderful father. I am jeleous of the ex-wife. I know that he is not in love with her. It just upsets me that she had a wonderful person and completly betrayed him. Right in front of his very own eyes and he gives her the attention that she wants he speaks to her every day because of the boys. But I have to remember it is for the children. It is not easy for me to relate to this women. I am a single mother and I don't have the same relationship with the father. . I am very independant because I had to be. To see his wife who is very needy really takes a toll on me. I have to take a deep breath and remind myself he is truly worth it and it will only get easier. Hopefully she will meet a millionaire. Here is my answer your issue. I believe trust and patience is the answer. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): The child serves as a reminder that he had a life and marriage before you. You are fixating on the wrong thing and are in need of an attitude and perspective adjustment.
Daughter is a good kid and has your BF as her Dad...how lucky is this kid? How lucky are you? You both have this fabulous man in your lives.
Daughter is an extension of your BF. She was created by him. Daughter is all the love he had at one moment in time and will be someone who he can still love and nurture and guess what; you get to be a part of that as well.
Stop looking at this like you are an outsider because you continue to do that and you will be. This mindset is like self fulling prophecy.
You need to embrace daughter and embrace your new role. Let's face it, if marriage is what you and BF see...you are going to be a step mother. And you can be a kick ass one too is you but choose.
You get to have some fun. You get to spoil the daughter. You get to develop the trust and love. You get to have a bond with daughter and trust me; BF will love it.
Daughter will grow to love, appreciate, admire, and trust in you. Every child wants and needs this of those adults in her life.
So jealousy over what again?
An EX who is just that...past?
You are present and future and how much power do you have? You get to decide and choose so I say it is the EX who should be insecure and jealous and uncertain as she has little power.
If Ex is wise; she should support your new role and not use her child to poison you and your BF's lives together.
May I suggest getting three books?
Super Nanny by Jo Frost
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey
Between Two Worlds THE INNER LIVES of CHILDREN Of DIVORCE
by Elizabeth Marquardt
They will offer you great insight and aid on how to adjust your perspective and how to develop empathy for daughter and how you can best meet the needs of those you love.
Congratulations on finding such a wonderful man.
Best wishes.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007):
Dear A.
Too young? Your not serious???I am a 24 year old woman who is living ina similar predicament. My soon to be fiance had a little boy from a previous marriage and although he openly declares disdane for her - it still riles me up when she texts about their son. By the sounds of htings she does not sound very different from your own partners ex. The thing is girl , we've both made this choice to be here - obviousoly our men are worth it - so the only advice i can give you is to take it day by day. Yes , they where married and have achild - but at hte end of the day he is with you now and is committed to you by the sounds of things. TRUST ME - she spends more time wondering about your relationship then you do about theirs. YOu are probably a fabulous, beautiful strong woman (no whimpy women can take on what we have) the only advice i have is too stick it out and get a sense of humour. TRY to see how petty she is and how ultimatley irrelevant she is wihtin YOU RELATIONSHIP.
Keep strong girl
H.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006): I've been with my boyfriend for a little under 2 years, he has a 7yr old daughter from a previous relationship. He has his daughter to stay at the weekends and I had to make my mind up if I wanted to never have the weekends free for 'just the two of us' or if I could cope with the fact that we wouldn't have that time together for a number of years until his daughter was older etc. It's been quite a hard learning curve! Even now I get pangs of jealousy when he calls to say he will be late home because he has to go watch his daughter be enroled at Brownies, or he has to go to the parents evening... but really, what a great dad he is?! He has to keep contact with his ex for the sake of the child, and they have to be friendly toward eachother again for the sake of the child - really that takes alot of courage and self-sacrifice.. so I ask myself, who am I to get jealous? I've found it important to allow myself to feel the jealousy and reassure myself that it's quite natural and Ok to feel that way. I don't pretend I don't feel it, and by not pretending it helps me move through the feelings more quickly and as time has passed it has become easier and my boyfriends daughter and I have a really good bond. I'm thankful that she has accepted me into her little life.. and his ex? Well, she is just that, his Ex!
We are but human beings with human emotions each experiencing life in different ways and ultimately it's up to us to decide what we do and don't want to experience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): This is a really difficult situation. Its hard to come to terms with the fact that you are not going to be that special person who gives the man you love a child, let alone deal with the fact that his childs mother is constantly in your life. Its how he treats you that will determine alot of how you can cope. Is this weekend fixed to the point he never takes you away? Does he treat you like he loves you or does he just tell you? Do you feel that you are special and does he do the things he promises you? This is what really matters. As pointed out above, could you see yourself lasting with this man if he never had a child? As for the other above situation where he spends alot of time with his ex in her flat and leaves you down stairs I think that he is having his cake, eating it and loving it. He is disrespecting you! If you are accepting his situation then he should involve you in it if its such a big part of daily life. Be seen and heared!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): I am in a similar situation. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 35. he has been separated for 4 years and divorced for 3. he has 2 boys by his ex and is a good dad. we recently found out that we are expecting a baby and he has told me that he wants me and in the future would want to marry me, so i understand he wants me. this doesn't make it any easier when we both work with his ex. they get along very well and consider each other friends. its just that she phones him everyday about trivial things and very rarely about the kids and when her partner is away,he goes and sees her (she lives above work) at her flat while he's at work, even if it means leaving me downstairs waiting for him. she has also had dinner round our house while i'm at work and treats my boyfriend as a babysitter for the kids when her partner's back from working away. She was suppossed to be moving away, not too far, but i was happy with the idea as i thought a bit of distance would help me and my partner. that has fallen through and now i'm left wondering if i can really hack it. i really don't want to feel this way and wait to see if our baby makes a difference. it would just be nice for them to have a bit of distance from us sometimes.
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female
reader, steph7 +, writes (7 September 2006):
im 24 years old and in a very similar situation to you. my boyfriend 28, has a 5month old son. he split up with his ex and then she found out she was pregnant. they tried again to make their relationship work for the sake of their child but were still unhappy so split again. now he has met me and the trouble has been endless with regards to his ex. i know he is with me and there is no chance they will ever get back together (they also tried that after his son was born)but it doesnt make it any easier for us in this situation, knowing that there will always be another women in our lives. i feel sometimes his ex intentionally texts and rings just to speak to him and uses his son as an excuse. she also asks him to do things for her that she could quite easily do herself, just to get him round to her house. there has been times on the nights that she has her son, she gets someone to babysit and comes to the night clubs we r at on our nights away from his son. this is very frustrating as it feels like we never get that time away from her. he is in contact every day and trys his hardest to giv her everything she needs because she is a new mum and feels she shouldnt have to bring up their a child feeling like she is on her own. he also has a right to be happy tho and he has also said his relationship with his ex was a mistake but that he wouldnt be without his son. understandably.
as the new women in your boyfriends life i can tell you now, the situation you r in will require you to be a really strong person. your boyfriend obvoiusly has made his choice if he has proposed. u make him happy and he wants to be with you not her. it is a complicated situation to be in at times but if you really do love him both of you together will make it work. sometimes its hard to understand but you must be doing something right! i know for a fact that if it wasnt for his son my boyfriend wouldnt even be in contact with his ex. im sure its the same with your boyfriend too because of what you have said she is like and that he is only friends with her to keep the peace for the sake of his child. just remember that when she does text or asks for him to do things it isnt his fault. sometimes we can take our frustration out on them when they never asked for their exs to continually contact them. her contacting him and asking him to do things will only annoy you if YOU let it.
the ball is in your court now and you have the chance to make a man who is obviously a great father, for wanting to be so involved in his childs life a very happy person. if you really are happy with your boyfriend you need to keep an open mind and take this chance.
feel free to contact me if you feel things are getting on top of you or you just want to get a few things off your chest. sometimes just talking to someone else in your situation can solve alot, leaving the rest of your spare time enjoying life and having fun with your boyfriend and his daughter! hope this as helped and remember your not the only 1! x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2005): all ex-wives are nutters and parasites
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2005): I have to ask what would you think of your boyfriend if he didn't want to have anything to do with his daughter? What kind of father would that make him in your mind for your future children? I am trying to get this through to my son's girlfriend. He has a 3 yr. old and an ex that is trying her best to make his girlfried miserable - including harrassing phone calls. You have to realize that this other woman will be involved for a long time but strictly because of their daughter. Remember - he is with you and not her for a reason. Please think about it before you throw away something that has the potential of being something wonderful because once you do, you may very well never be able to get it back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2005): Ah, the elusive ex-lover. Have you met her in person? Have you discussed with your partner the things that made the two of them end things? I'm sure if you have, or even if you have an idea of what those things are, you do not embody those qualities. He does not seem to be a guy leading a double life. Trying to maintain an amicable relationship with someone for the sake of his child is an honest enough motive. If things were the other way around, I'm sure you would expect him to understand. You should talk to him as calmly as possible about your feelings and maybe even suggest they meet halfway to exchange custody, that way the trip takes less time and they are on more neutral turf. If you love him and you forsee a future with him, you must accept his ex's role in their daughter's life and even try to see a positive side to it. At least this way, he will be more understandable to any future complications in your relationship, he will be a good father looking out for the interests of any of your children together, his daughter is not deprived of a female role model, thus relying solely on you (a scary thing for a new partner), and this way you two can get some alone time while the daughter is at her mother's. Realize the reasons he is with you and revel in them. If you love him, you will open to the mistakes he has made in the past and he will be open to yours. Don't let jealousy ruin a good time and the possibility of a fun and wonderful future.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (11 June 2005):
 You may be experiencing these feelings of jealously (because that's what they are, though you won't put a name to them) because you're young; you may be experiencing them because he gives you reason to feel jealous. I'm not acquainted with all the parties involved, so it's hard to say.Here's what's fairly simple, from where I'm sitting: this is the situation you have to deal with; either you can deal with it or you can't. Because really, what can you ask him to do differently? *Not* take care of his daughter by making the calls, the long drives and accepting the text messages? I'm sure you can see how that would be hurtful to his daughter, who is already saddled with divorced parents who live too far apart for her to see both regularly and a mother who at some point was unavailable because she did (hopefully doesn't still do) drugs.If it would make you feel better, I suppose you could ask to come along on those Friday/Sunday drives. Tell your boyfriend that his troubles are your troubles just like his joys are your joys, and you want to share in both.But I'm not sure that making the round trip is going to get at the heart of the matter for you. You are very young and at your age, it's not unreasonable to want and ask for a partner who isn't saddled with the kind of baggage most of us in mid-life are.Ask yourself honestly: if nothing else changed, could I still be with this man a year from now? Five years? Ten years? Because things will likely get more difficult from your perspective than less as the years go by and his daughter gets older.If you can't, then as much as you may love him, your boyfriend is probably not the partner for you.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (11 June 2005):
 You need to realise that he has a daughter and the daughter will always come first. His ex is the mother of that child and always will be. He wants to get along with the ex for the sake of his child. Its only natural that you should feel awkward about it, but he is with you remember. He cant have contact with his daughter without the ex being involved, that is something that you will have to deal with. In time it will become easier, but if you really feel that you cant deal with this, then you need tothink long and hard whether you two should continue. Its hard enough for your partner to get used to being a part time dad, when his ideal would be to have a happy family, this wasnt to be so he has to back the best of a bad situation. Just be glad that he has found you and you make him happy. You will have to accept that its not possible for him not to get on with his ex, if he wants to continue to be a good father to his child. Relax a little and let it ride, in the end it wont matter, as you two are together and thats what matters, he wants you not her, its just for the sake of the child that he is in contact with her.
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