A
female
age
36-40,
*newme2010
writes:hi therei thought i was the only woman who is involved with a married man but it seems there are out many out here and i wish someone can help me. we works for different companies, then texted, emailed, he sent me flowers, chocolate and we met. i was deeply in love with him. i thought he's the one. he promised with me so much, he went to meet my uncles and aunts, had dinner with them, and he planned for our wedding. I was so blind that i didn't know this is a trap. He cried when he told me that he loves me. he cries when the first time he went to church with me, thinking one day he'll be holding my hands as his wife in that church. so of course, for any girl, it was like a cinderrella story. but all is lying. he's 35 years old, married for 9 years with 2 kids. his wife was pregnant when he started with me. he's not 28 years old, single and living with parents. and i found out the truth when i went to his house.when i decided to go there, i just wanted to know whether his parents were so sick that they couldn't meet me for the first time. and all the truth came out. i was so socked, so hurt. it was like the whole world was pulled down under my feet. i'd never trusted and loved anyone like him, except my parents. but i was wise enough to know that i have to end this relationship. there won't be any future between us even he told me then he wants to divorce his wife and focus on us. i am his true love who only happens once in his life that he will never ever let me go. his wife found out, caught him texting me, asked me to leave him alone. i agreed. she just know slightly that he has another woman, she doesn't know that her husband is a con- man, a bastard. i told him, cried, asked him to let everything go, give up on us, and won't do anything harm to his family, this is disgusting, filthy for cheating on a wife of 9 years, who is raising his kids. i was in tears like everyday. all i asked from him is: honesty. just honest with me, that he still loves his family, and that things will never get right for us. but he isn't. he keeps lying to me and he keeps cheating on his wife. at home he's playing a good husband, a good father. with me, he lied that he will move out, leaves the house and everything to his wife and the kids, all he wants is ME. i told him, even he moves out, i maybe won't come to meet him, that there is great possibility that he will lose everything, and he won't have me. he sent me the rent receipt. but finally i caught him still lying because he keeps saying that the real estate let him down, they have to fix that, fix this. i told him again and again, that i didn't want him to move out, think for the young kids. all i want is honesty. if he can't and doesn't want to do that, don't promise, don't lie. but for him, it seems that he doesn't have a heart at all. his very last email to me he still wants to be with me. i was angry and contacted the wife. and she trusted him that i am the person who is lying and want to break his family because he now chose her, not me that made me upset. she thinks i am the person to blame. i told her i don't want to hurt her, i am not aiming at her, but she needs to know the true person of him so she will have a wise decision. if she wants the truth about him, i can send her the proof.and she did send me her email address but i was at work then that i couldn't talk, i will talk with her later. she told me that don't bother, that i have to follow her time, not her to follow my time. i guess that she somehow wants to know the truth, but because it will hurt, so she is a bit scared. sorry for writing too long, my question now is: should i let her know the whole truth about him? should i just let it go, let him continue to be a liar to her and maybe to many other girls like me? should i tell her and the kids will have a broken family? they are 2 years old and 2 months old. but then i think this is not my fault, why i have let her yell at me, insult me? i dont feel this is fair. please tell me what to do. and please none of this is my fault, i told him to stay with her, be good to her, go counselling if necessary, i'll be happy. i have never ever asked him to leave her for me. and so don't give me any angry advice. i am really really hurt now.
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at work, divorce, flowers, liar, married man, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): ok, so my posts have been blocked a second time by the MODS.
MY question is to the OP - are you the same person who has posted before about this? (approx 2 months +) - you are in a new country, you are originally from Asia, in a interacial relationship with this MM, and so forth. at that stage you posted Anony. You also deleted both your posts after a while.
what you have written here is almost identical to those earlier posts.
if you are the same person, what is different now. a few months later???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): cut all contact. run. if she contacts you and asks tell her. otherwise dont. find someone else. guys will say anything to get what they want, so be smart. You can do it babycakes, one step at a time. mal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I have been on DC and I have to say I am the wife on here who HATES all women who are the OW, but I have to say in your case, you sound sincere that you didn't know that he was married. But the issue I have with you here, is if his wife caught him, then why is he still able to communicate with you, if you are letting him, then you are as guilty as him....
Cut all ties with him, if he doesn't stop, get a restraining order. You owe it to yourself to do that, he is playing you, and his wife and children. He is heartless, but if you don't you are just the same as him.
I really don't think you deserve this, you are young, please walk away from this joke of a man, if he loved you, really truly loved you he would of left his wife..wow the fact that he met your family, he is a joke, and is making a mockery of you...
let him go, sweetie
God Bless :)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 Sorry but you haven't changed my mind on what you should do. You are seeking vengence at the expense of his wife. You think you will be teaching a lesson, that he will shape up because of you blabbing to the wife. Nonsense. If you want to show some class, vanish like smoke from their lives.
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A
female
reader, anewme2010 +, writes (10 December 2009):
anewme2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthere are a few things i have to clarify:
@ask oldsister: why did you get this info "the guy is sending you money for rent so you are no better than a paid prostitute" "You are having sex with a married man so you are no better than what you are accusing him of" ..."Stop taking his money like a prostitute and earn your own living". "If you don't want people appalled and angry at your actions, lead a more moral lifestyle and stop having sex with other women's husband"... i have no clue why and how did you get this?. he sent me flowers and gifts, but later on i asked him to stop, because what i want is the future together, and he should save money. i've never asked him to paid or by anything to me. he's not paying rent for me. i am living with family. we've never had sex. i didn't know he is married until i went to his house. and since then i stopped seeing him, tried to cut all contact but he kept calling me, giving him a chance that he's leaving his wife and moving out. i told him don't, that stop hurting his wife and his family but he kept lying to me. so please. do not make any assumptions because other readers when read your comment, they will have the wrong understanding too. you're here to help me, not to hurt,or insult me. is it right?
@Lys: i am sorry that you're in the opposite position. yes, i think the wife has the right to know. the truth will hurt, but it is the truth. she's now blaming the wrong person, him, not me because i didn't know he's married and as soon as i knew, i asked him to stop with me and stay with her, cut all contact but he kept hanging on to me, disturb me at work, etc. i don't want to hurt her, but i want her to wake up,like i did, and i want him to learn his lesson because till now, he seems no regret at all. that's why he keeps lying to me and cheating on his wife. he's playing 2 roles at the same time and he's playing really really well.
@all: thank you for caring. i really appreciate your advise. yes. he deserves that. he dared take his son to meet me, called me "aunty", and himself "uncle", he dared to kiss me, touch me infront of the 2 year old kid. so don't you think he should have a hard lesson?????he has no morals, so should he has some now?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 December 2009):
Cut all contact. That's what you have to do. It's not your problem anymore.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 December 2009):
I think you should just stop ALL communication with both of them. Don't take his calls, don't respond to his texts, and don't call his wife. You vanish from their lives completely. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and most importantly,realize you made a very bad mistake and make a vow never to be a sucker again.
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A
female
reader, Lys  +, writes (9 December 2009):
Its funny that tonite is the first time I am on this site and it was for the exact opposite reason. My husband cheated and i was looking for answers about how to deal with the pain. God is everywhere. I believe i was meant to be the first response to your question. Yes, i think you should absolutely tell his wife. Tell her all she asks and be honest. She deserves to know, has a right to know. Yes this is also your fault. You knew he was married and you started a relationship with an intention to one day be with this man exclusively. You have an opportunity to heal from this and move on but only if you change what is acceptable for you as a woman and decide what is not. It is extremely simple to understand his wifes position and its delicate nature. If you were the wife and she were you how do you think you would feel? Now of course you are not primarily to blame you are also tremendously responsible for what has gone on. Any woman that starts off as a mistress will always want to eventually become the wife which is mind bogling to me! The wife is the one in the dark but the mistress knows exactly what shes in for! Do the right thing and give her the info she wants and then move on. No matter how bad it hurts it cant be anything close to what she is feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): It's very difficult not to give you angry advice but I will try. I know you're hurting and that his lies made life very unpleasant for you. His behaviour says A LOT bout who he is. However your response to finding out the truth is not exactly role model behaviour. Quote: "How people treat you is their karma; how you respond is yours." The relationship you had with this man (yes based on lies) was between the two of you. You have to leave the wife out of this. It appears to me that you are trying to hurt him back thru his wife. Are you hoping she will leave him? If she has two kids with the guy then you should try to let them figure things out. Marriage is not easy and there are times where couples hit major obstacles...cheating, finance etc but its part of the "till death do us part.." give them a chance to figure things out and get out of there. Cut him out and do the right thing. If this was your husband ... how would you respond. Don't break up a home not when there are two innocent little ones. Please be stronger than him...do the right thing. Good Luck xx
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