A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, but a year ago, he cheated. I took him back after only a week of thinking on it and feeling sorry for myself. I just knew I couldn't handle life without him, but I still get images of them together (yes, I caught them). I'm starting to have panic-attacks and lose sleep because of this. But I'm completely and madly in love with him and I know he's the one. But I'm beginning to dread the night and I'm not sure if I thought this whole thing through.Basically, I've stopped trusting him all the way but I'm not like a crazy, jealous girlfriend checking every text and call he makes and receives. I've pushed a lot of negatives feelings down because I don't want to lose him. I also feel like it's my fault that he cheated. Did I not put out enough? Was I not sexy enough for him to want to be around? There has to be something wrong with me that made him betray me.I don't want to bring this up in an argument because it's old news and he's said he was sorry and would never do it again; that he's in love with me and never wants to lose me. It was a one time deal, you know? My question is: How do I get over such a horrible event once and for all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): You need to leave this guy! It is NOT your fault that he cheated. He knew he was in a relationship with you and HE chose to sleep with someone else. He broke your trust and that is hard, if not impossible, to get back. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Even if there were problems, he should have come to YOU to work it out instead of sleeping with someone else!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is no excuse for cheating.
You CAN handle life without him, and you WILL find someone so much better than him. If this guy really loved you and really wanted to be with you, he would NEVER have slept with someone else. He's not worth going through all this pain.
Break up with him and start fresh with someone new!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009):
Even though it is one year later you are entitled to feel this sense of helplessness, sense of untrustworthiness and also anxiousness. In fact you are still mourning the loss of what you have had with your bf. He betrayed you and you are just so afraid that he is going to do this again. In fact this untrustworthiness is making you an emotional basketcase. You cannot check up on him all the time. It will only drive you insane.
Cheated partners always question themselves ,just like you are doing. But sometimes no matter what we do the partners will still stray. They will shift the blame and you then think that it was all your fault. I think you are so scared of perhaps being alone that you have just accepted perhaps his b/s . is he remorseful, has he cut contact with this other woman, has he changed his ways and has he gone out of his way to show you that he is now different. What is he doing now that he did not do before he was caught. Does he re assure you or does he think that just because you took him back after 1 week that you are ok.
I think that you need an outlet, you need firstly some TLC & then you need personal counselling. You need to get these thoughts and these horrible images out of your head. You were in the worst position to catch them in the act so yes it kills you every time.
something needs to give. you need to work towards forgiving and towards letting it go. it may take you a while still to recover but one day you will.
i just want to know: is your bf worth all this pain, and turmoil in your life??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009):
Even though it is one year later you are entitled to feel this sense of helplessness, sense of untrustworthiness and also anxiousness. In fact you are still mourning the loss of what you have had with your bf. He betrayed you and you are just so afraid that he is going to do this again. In fact this untrustworthiness is making you an emotional basketcase. You cannot check up on him all the time. It will only drive you insane.
Cheated partners always question themselves ,just like you are doing. But sometimes no matter what we do the partners will still stray. They will shift the blame and you then think that it was all your fault. I think you are so scared of perhaps being alone that you have just accepted perhaps his b/s . is he remorseful, has he cut contact with this other woman, has he changed his ways and has he gone out of his way to show you that he is now different. What is he doing now that he did not do before he was caught. Does he re assure you or does he think that just because you took him back after 1 week that you are ok.
I think that you need an outlet, you need firstly some TLC & then you need personal counselling. You need to get these thoughts and these horrible images out of your head. You were in the worst position to catch them in the act so yes it kills you every time.
something needs to give. you need to work towards forgiving and towards letting it go. it may take you a while still to recover but one day you will.
i just want to know: is your bf worth all this pain, and turmoil in your life??
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): It is hard to take someone back, especially if you arent really over what happened. It sounds as if deep down you are still very hurt and angry with him. I also know that feeling. My partner let me down and we talked about what he had done and he said how sorry he was and we went out together again. It felt as if he stopped feeling bad as soon as he said he was sorry! He was happy to forget it and carry on as if nothing had happened, while i was still very upset. But i felt i couldnt keep harping to him as we were making a fresh start. So i kept quiet but it festered in my head. I was angry with him for spoiling things, taking away my feeling of confidence, security and while i still loved him, i wondered how he could have betrayed me if he had actually loved me. I had a bad time of things until it reached the point that i needed counselling. I told him i thought i needed help to get over some unhelpful thoughts i kept having about his misdeeds.
He was very sweet and said i should have counselling then because i really needed to get over it. I dont know why but that made my anger worse.
So i sat him down and explained that id never been able to feel the same about him since the trouble and at times i actually hated him. He was really shocked! I explained that i did love him and wanted us to work but he would have to see the real me as i couldnt go on pretending all was well for me when it wasnt. I warned him life wouldnt be easy if he stayed and i`d understand if he wanted to go. He elected to stay because he said he loved me. So i proceeded to tell him in graphic detail just what his dishonestly had done to me and our relationship and i became very honest with him about how i felt. It wasnt pretty but i soon began to feel better about things. That was 6 months ago. I think i was hell on whells for the first month. Some days he didnt know what to expect from me but hes still here and im feeling heaps better. It might be a good idea for you to tell your partner how you feel. If he really loves you he will want to help you get over this properly, once and for all. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (9 December 2009):
It worries me a lot that you haven't really forgiven him. You're just lying to him and yourself because you "can't handle life without him."
You are heading for a nervous breakdown because no one is that good an actress. You can't keep pretending to be happy when you are still so angry with him.
So you can either deal with this, or you can carry on and have a massive meltdown in the supermarket one day and have doctors become involved.
Your main problem is that you are putting your love for this guy ahead of your own happiness.
You think being with him will make you happy but it WON'T.
Being scared of being alone and having to get over someone is NOT a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.
So tell him that you've tried to act like things are fine but it's not. Leave / ask him to leave for another few weeks and this time really really think hard. Don't be ruled over by emotions.
I bet you'll find it's SUCH a relief to stop pretending and be able to scream into pillows and punch a teddy bear and rip up his favourite shirt.
Just let it out of your system before it kills you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I don't see how a man cheating could be your fault. Firstly you have to not blame yourself for this... Secondly, trust is never easy to rebuild because betrayal cuts deep beyond where most people can reach. You alone will know when you're fully ready to let it go and you will need alot of reassurance from your boyfriend. Personally, I took back my bf after he cheated and regretted it coz things just never got back to the way they were. BUT we are different people and forgiveness is a strength not a weakness and not all of us have it. If you are sure he is sorry and that he won't do it again then I hope that thru communication and ressurance you can let it go. Good Luck xx
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