A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been happily married for a few months after I'd been with my ex for a few years. Do you think I should tell my husband I cheated on my ex and had a six-month affair with a co-worker? Now I don't have any contacts with either my ex nor my former affair anymore- so it's all well locked in the past. I've been STD tested and I'm fine. So, should I tell him or should I just leave in the past what is in the past?Thank you!
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, my ex, std Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 January 2013):
 If you REALLY felt like he should know this about you, then WHY didn't you tell him BEFORE you married him?
Don't you think that would have been more "right" in that case?
You did something amoral. You regret it, you learned from it and you won't do it again because you know how it felt and what it did to people. There are TONS of people out there who do stupid stuff, hurtful stuff, downright SICK stuff and they never regret it.... YOU DO. SO STOP beating yourself up. What you did in the past doesn't define you as WHO you are as a woman or a wife. Let the time you have spend with your HUSBAND define that.
Chin up, no one is perfect.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 January 2013):
So he thinks you are perfect and that's something you need to fix? Let him think that, it's a great feeling to feel that way for someone.
If you care about him why plant any seed of doubt that you'll be faithful to him?
This whole idea that people should tell their SO everything is kind of weird. Lie? No. But did you tell him how bad your farts smelled after eating turkey on Thanksgiving?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2013):
I don't see why you would need to tell him. If this is something you regret and would NEVER do again, why bring it up?
Now if the SUBJECT of cheating came up and he asked you straight out, I would be honest.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight, I get your points. Thanks for the feedback!
But, shouldn't relationships be based on truth, mutual trust and communication? I feel that by hiding this from him I'm doing something wrong. He loves me so much and thinks I am so perfect and flawless... maybe he has the right to know what kind of an awful person I was for those six cheating months. I'm not that person anymore and I wouldn't dream of cheating on him, but some time ago I was capable of something I deeply regret and wish I'd never done: cheating and having sex with someone who was not my SO.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 January 2013):
Hell no!
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 I don't think you should tell him. I presume you didn't have a talk about this issue before you got married - the "have you ever been unfaithful" talk. So if he hasn't asked you certainly shouldn't tell him now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 January 2013):
I would say he most definitely should have had this information before you getting married. There is a reason your insurance rates go up if you have an accident, and its because as it applies to people, past performance is often a very good predictor of future events. Because this is the case, I think he had every right to know about this.
Now you are already married, so Im really not sure what the right call is. When in moral dilemmas, I try to reverse the roles and that usually gives me a pretty good idea of what to do. With that, if it was reversed, and instead your husband cheated for six months, is that something you think you would deserve to know? Therein lies your answer on what to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 January 2013):
 There's an expression "Let sleeping dogs lie". I see no reason to bring this up with your husband. The odds are nothing good will come out of it, its in the past, and thats where it should stay. Don't go looking for trouble. Focus on the here and now and the future. Leave the past in the past.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Why would you want your husband to know this? Whatever happened with the ex, stays with the ex. Your husband need not know anything as long as it isn't affecting your marriage in any way now. Leave the past behind. Retroactive jealousy is a terrible thing and you do not want to get caught up in that. Do you want your husband to keep doubting you even though there is no reason to? Because if you tell him what you did, that's exactly what might just happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Because of all the posts we get about retro jealousy I say leave it in the past and forget about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (11 January 2013):
 I don't really see the point in bringing up stuff that you did in the past, you are now happily married and i feel if you do it might cause unessessary complications. However if your fine with not telling him then just keep it to yourself, but if its eating away at you, playing on your mind to the point of keeping you awake then probally best to broach the subject. Each and everyone of us at some point in our lives has done something that we would rather forget, but now its precisely that, the past, where its best left.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): I say leave it in the past. Most people don't want to hear about your ex's in anyway, shape or form. Don't let it affect your relationship. It could seriously hurt your relationship and you don't want that. Just be sure that you learn from that mistake you made and realize that cheating is wrong and hurts everyone involved.If you tell your husband he may be fearful that you will do that to him and become insecure about your relationship. Don't say anything and don't cheat on him. His feelings would be hurt and he may feel that you have been dishonest with him before he committed himself to you.That's just my personal opinion. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't say anything. There is only one person in this world that knows that I cheated on my ex-husband when we were together (other then the person I cheated on him with) and I will never say anything to anyone about it. It was a mistake and I've learned from it. I leave it in the past were it belongs. My current boyfriend doesn't know about it and never will.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (11 January 2013):
 If your 100% sure this won't come out another way I don't see the need to ever tell him about it, it could only cause problems, it's in the past and it should stay there
...............................
|
